Thank you,  and it goes without saying you have touched my heart too and I am sure that goes for many many people that have had the pleasure of your company and kind encouraging and advising words. 

I've gone to a write a post so many times all night but couldn't find the words, so left it short and sweet,  sorry to have announced it with short/ no context,  i just cant find many words right now xxxxx

Hi rainbowrains im so very sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I lost mine on friday and i am devastated. He had cancer for 3.5 yrs but had been going downhill since november. At the end of jan we took him to hospital as he could hardly walk and had stopped eating. We were told he had sepsis and that the cancer had spread to his stomach and that there was nothing more they could do. We bought him home 5 weeks ago and have been looking after him around the clock since then. He didnt know he was dying as he was so afraid of death and he so wanted to live. He fought so hard to get better every day he would say that he had to try and eat sth but most days he could only manage his complan. It was terribly hard. He was lucid right until the end but he was just a shell of the dad i knew all of his spark had gone. He was so embarrassed every time he had an accident the day he died even.

I am so relieved that he is no longer suffering but the sense of loss is huge. How do you start to comprehend that you will never see that person again? At the moment i am going through each day like a robot i dont know how i am putting one foot in front of the other. My heart aches at the thought of my dad. And my poor mum has retreated into a shell and sits in silence most of the time. I want to help her but dont know how. 

Im sorry my post has probably not been much help to you as i am lost too. But know that you are not alone there are many people on here who know what you are going through. I hope that you find some small memory to smile aboit each day and thst these smiles will come more often as the memory of your dads struggle begins to fade. Hold him in your heart and try to remember that he would have wanted you to carry on and would have hated for you to be sad. I know my dad would. They are at peace now no more pain no more fear no more suffering. 

So sorry to hear of your loss. It is so hard to lose our parents and your mum will be needing you more than ever now. I found it was best to just be there for my mum when we lost dad. She was in total shock and didn't cry fir ages. The funeral was delayed and it was like living in a bubble where mum was unable to break through. It has got better and your journey has just begun. Don't be afraid to show your grief, it may help your mum too. My mum sort of gave up but we gave her a nudge and told her, we have lost our dad but we need our mum right now. That helped her to see she was needed and her existence was valid. So hard, I feel for you.

Big hugs.

Cx