Hi Northern

I'm so sorry that you are suffering with this alone. It sounds like you have been going through this for quite a while. I'm glad you are getting some help, but it's really unfortunate that the good feelings are so short lived.

I only went through anticipatory grief for a few months. I cried a lot during that time. It was worse during my mums last three weeks where every day was up and down. I remember one day coming home from the hospital, certain that she was going to die very soon and just bawling my eyes out for an hour. I was actually trying to make dinner at the time. One of my cats kept hovering around me...omg he was so incredibly distraught by it all. After an hour he actually just lay down completely exacerbated by the whole thing. I got on the floor with him and consoled him lol. He just wanted to make me feel better I think.

I remember another time when I was leaving the hospital, walking to the car, and again - thinking that my mother did not have very much time left at all and I was literally just holding it together by a thread. I was so completely ready to just burst as I walked down the street that the only way I was able to maintain a shred of sanity was by looking at every object I passed and saying in my head "black bin, blue bike, yellow basket..." whatever object I passed....just so I wouldn't burst out in tears.

When she passed away the grief did indeed feel like a bottomless pit. I would try to process it, and couldn't, and would just feel an enormous amount of pain. I have never cried with my whole body before, so much, and for long. The first few months it was several times a day. Full body sobbing. Incredible pain.

To be honest, 9 months later, I still haven't fully processed it. I have seemingly stopped crying...for now...I tear up daily, but not actual crying. That stopped sometime around Christmas I think.

It's basically like I've compartmentalized it somehow. It's a sad little box in my brain, in my heart, in my soul...I'm not sure I will ever be able to fully process it. It's bigger than me, and so incredibly difficult to understand.

What helps me get through it, is knowing that I was loved. She didn't walk out on me because she stopped loving me. She didn't want to leave me, and it was one of the last things she said to me on her death bed. She felt really bad about it. She had no choice in the matter. And so there was literally nothing I could do about it. And there is nothing I can do about it now either. So her love never died, it is still inside me. And that does help, in a small way. 

It changes you for sure, but I find ways to feel close to her. I now listen to the same radio station she used to listen to, and I imagine the conversations we'd have about the topics being discussed. 

I don't know if any of this helps you at all. I do understand how you feel. Sometimes it's better to just try and live in the moment. Try to enjoy the really small things as much as you can. Then tackle the bigger things when they come. We never know how we will finally cope with what is sent our way, and sometimes we discover that actually we are alot stronger than we could have ever imagined we were.

All the best.

Sarah