Hello, I've read many posts on here in the last hour or so and I felt I needed to reach out to you to let you know that whilst you may feel broken, I'm here and you're not alone. My dad has just been diagnosed today with Stage 4 Lung Cancer that's spread to the liver. He & my family are still trying to process the news. I just wanted to send you a big hug, you love your Dad so much so please don't feel bad or guilty about anything. We find it impossible to let go of people we love, it's too heart breaking, that's ok though, it's what makes us human it's natural to want to hold on and not let go forever. You're honestly not alone here, dark thoughts are horrid but also natural, you're going through some dark times, please be gentle with yourself and cut yourself some slack I don't mean to sound trite, apologies if I do. I'm just starting to understand the horror that this *** disease can inflict and I'm trying hard to wrap my head around it but you're living it everyday with someone you adore, that's got to tear your heart out, try not to feel bad about the decisions that you make because you love your Dad so much at this difficult time. We're never asked to make such huge decisions under so much duress at any other time of our life, take heart you wonderful person. Xx

Ahhh, Dear

I am so sad for you. It is a terrible time.

I am going through it too,but I am finding comfort from joining this forum, having people to share things with..

I am so truly sorry,but there is always somebody on here to 'speak' with.

Massive Massive hugs to you and your Dad.

Xxx

Hi N87

Huge ((((HUGS)))) xxx

I lost my Mum to cancer and so I have been where you are now. It is truly devastating to watch someone you love going through so much. In my profile, I state that I am glad my mum was taken soon after her diagnosis because I could not see her suffering and so I understand when you say you sometimes wish for your dad to go. Don’t feel bad about those thoughts...you have those thoughts because you love him XX 

As the others have said, you aren’t alone here and you can come back anytime you need xx sadly there are a fair few of us who have experience of this xx 

I am proof that it is possible to get through this....sometimes it was a case of taking it a minute at a time. You can do this.

We got you xxx

Hi there I’m so sorry to read your post. My dad was fit and well three weeks prior to Xmas and has since been diagnosed with lung cancer metastasis to spine and now querying the brain. He is 68 and I have just found out he has months to live. I too am terrified, angry and very apprehensive about what is in store not only for my dad but for us as a family. Share your anxiety and concerns taking each day or week as it comes as I am learning thinking about what is ahead in the coming months is too much to bear. Big hugs 

I’m so so sorry to hear about your dad. My heart hurts for you and anyone who has to deal with this. It’s just so unfair. Everyday I look at people with their perfect lives both parents healthy just living and yet complaining about the stupidest crap and I want to punch them. Is your dad getting treatment? Please talk to us about whatever it is you want. Let it out. I pour my heart out on this site. My sister and I don’t have a relationship anymore. When my dad got sick I left my house husband job to come to the state where my sister is and that was last January. And this whole thing has definitely broken us and I think all the frustration has ruined our relationship. So I can’t talk to her. My mom is trying to stay strong. And sometimes I open up to her but I have to protect her I can’t always show her how messed up I am so I come here and let it out. My husband is amazing but he will never understand the pain. Specially cause he’s religious and I’m not. I use to believe in god but I’ve lost faith. So please if you want to talk I’m here too. We all really need each other. Big hugs 

I’m so sorry. I often forget I’m not the only one facing this because I feel so alone and I think maybe we all feel that way. It’s the worse thing to watch. Please talk to me or anyone here about whatever you want. There’s no way anyone can do this alone. And shouldn’t. Sending hugs your way 

I’m so sorry about your dads diagnoses. I’m sorry for it all. Life is just so unfair.  Idk how I’ve managed to stay alive for the past year. Ever since I was little I feared the death of my mom and dad. It has always been something ok my mind for some reason and I kept telling myself all these years my parents will live to be in their 90s. And last year when it happened I was just shocked. To be honest the day I found out is a blur. All the months in the hospital are somewhat forgotten unless I force myself to remember them and I think it’s because they’re so shockingly terrible and scary that my brain used and still uses forgetfulness to keep me going or else I’d probably die. Some days I’m in complete denial. Some says I want to die. I’m all over the place. With my dads cancer he was given 2 weeks last January and they didn’t want to do chemo. My family is all in the medical field so we said NO! We want a gene mutation test to see if a specific chemo works. Luckily he has the mutation we wanted and we found the only doctor that uses this chemo. He didn’t want to give it to my dad but I fought hard for it. I said you’re saying he’s going to die well why not try this chemo then at least. Here we are a year later. Compared to the first 6 months of this year he has improved significantly. My dad was basically dead. He didn’t talk. He didn’t remember anything. He couldn’t sit on the edge of the bed. At least now he talks. Not like before the cancer but he talks. His memory is 70% better. He can sit at the edge of the bed. He can walk if 2 people hold him. So compared to what it was like it’s a lot better. But life is not the same. Even on great days they still suck so bad because I want him to walk on his own. I want him to lecture me the way he use to. I want him to be that cardiologist he was beforecancer but that will never happen again. And it breaks me. I go back and forth between wanting him to go because some days are just so bad to most days I can’t imagine life without him and I get my hopes up. But at the end of the day we just never know. Maybe he will be here for a few more years. Same with your dad... is there treatment plan for your dad? Please feel free to pour your heart you 

I’m so sorry about your mum. I honestly can’t even imagine how you felt and how you feel now. Sometimes I think I’m not like others.  Not strong. I feel like I’m dying watching my dad. I use to be so happy my whole life and I don’t even who I am anymore. I haven’t smiled or laughed In a year. I don’t enjoy anything. My mind is winding 24 hours a day. And if he dies I’ll die. But my mom needs me. Some days I’m in complete denial thinking everything will be ok. Some days I think about what I want to do when I start working again and getting back to training and shopping and doing fun things again and then I immediately feel guilty and hate myself for even thinking about them because why do I get the chance to do things I love if he never gets to do what he loves. My dad was so advantageous. He still is. Even though he gets chemo he still wants to go out multiple times a week. He’s not fully aware of what he has because I made the decision to not tell him everything specially because he doesn’t remember the first few months of it. I thought why stress him out maybe he will be stronger and have more hope and that will help him. He has no idea what a big mess I am. I’ve cried maybe 3 times in front of himbut I just pretend everything is ok and he will be ok and I’m not sure if it’s right but I feel like it’s the only way. I also haven’t worked in a year. I haven’t seen my husband because he’s on the other side of the country taking care of our home. Idk how I’m ever suppose to go back. My mom and sister are with me too. If I go they’re here to take care of him because we’re all staying at my sisters house but what kind of a monster will I be if I leave. I just don’t know how long My dad has. Last year they said two weeks it’s beem a year. They didn’t want to give him chemo but we fought hard for it and it has been working somewhat and somehow. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like if I don’t start working I might loose myself completely. I’m definitely the weak one in the family.  I’m taking it harder. Ive always been so obsessed with my dad my whole life. How do I go back home to my husband and job. I just don’t know anymore 

Hi N87

This is so heartbreaking for you. I can really see just how much you love your Dad through your words. 

Watching someone you love go through cancer is just horrid. You say you’re not like the others (not strong) but I disagree with you. To hold it together as you have been for so long indicates you are an exceptionally strong person.

I understand your dilemma in that you are disconnected from everything...your husband, work, home....I was wondering how you would feel about taking a break so that you can go and see your husband and be in your home....even if it’s just for a short time. You could still remain in close contact with your Dad by phone or message and put some arrangements in place to return as soon as possible if it was crucial for you to be there. 

A break away may do you some good and may put you in a better position to manage everything that’s going on. You come across as a lovely, selfless person.....but taking time out for yourself is OK. In fact, it is - I think - necessary xx

After having some time away, you might be in a much better position to determine what happens going forward (I.E do you return and continue as you have been....or do you do something else?) One thing is for sure, if you continue the way you have been, you will continue to feel like this xx is change needed? Can there be a compromise in terms of you living your life and also caring for your Dad? Maybe if you have some time away you’ll be in a better place to know xx 

Another thought is.....unfortunately life sometimes has to go on around a cancer diagnosis. Me, for example - when my Mum was diagnosed - I still had to work, I still had to be away from her (work was a few hundred miles from home, where she was)....this meant that I couldn’t be with her at the hospital or assist my siblings to care for her. Sadly....it’s just the way it is. Also, not being the strongest person emotionally, I needed to return home after seeing her to ground myself before going back again to see her feeling stronger. I didn’t have any guilt over this...it is what I had to do to cope. 

You will also see people on this forum who are still working, taking care of their husbands and families whilst also caring for someone else who has cancer. People may do this for a variety of reasons.....financial....a way to cope.....needing the stability of ‘normal’ life in difficult circumstances. All of this is OK. 

How do you feel about this, N87? 

I undersrand why you put on a brave face around your dad. I remember doing the same to my Mum. I found out about my mums cancer over the telephone (not in the best way either...my cousin dropped the bomb brutally...not her fault, she was devastated) and I remember saying to my cousin, “don’t put mum on the phone...I need to get myself together...she needs to hear me being strong”....and that’s what I tried to do thereafter. Looking back...I realise how exhausting and hard that was....putting on a brave face is incredibly stressful and puts so much pressure on. I don’t know what the moral of the story is with this one....perhaps to understand that putting on a brave face isn’t sustainable 24/7 and that it was OK not to xx 

Be great to hear how you are doing. Take good care xxxxx

hi starcatone,

thank you for talking to me. It really helps. You’re so kind and understanding. I’m so sorry you went through all this. I hope you’re mentally and emotionally in a better place? I mean the feeling never goes away but I guess you learn to cope with it it? My dad finishes his last cycle of chemo in 2 weeks. He’s been on it since April. A very aggressive chemo. He’s also has MRI next week and my husband is coming for it. I know there’s no cure for his cancer   There are tumors floating in his spinal fluid around brain and spine but his last two mri showed one tumor gone and others shrinking. However this can change at any moment. If his mri show the cancer is stable or there’s improvement I might go back home and start working because I have bills and student loan. It sucks so bad that he’s not in the state where I live. Because I would love to come home from work and take care of him and see him but I’m a 7 hour flight away from him. Other reason why I feel like I need to get away is because my mind is going crazy. I’m the younger one and I’m the one that has been extremely emotionally attached to dad my whole life and sometimes I just can’t bare to watch him. We’re all staying at my sisters house. My dad mum sister and her husband. I feel like my sister at least has her husband job and home so maybe it’s not mentally as draining for her?? I don’t have anything here. No car no friends nothing. Same with my poor mom. All our friends and family are in California where I live. My parents are from California as well. But my mum is so much stronger than I am. She’s a mum... she cries and I know she’s hurting so bad but she’s such a strong woman. It will be hard to leave my parents. I love them so much. I’m just so attached to them and I feel like I’ve forgotten how to live on my own. I know exactly what my dad would tell me if he was 100% with it but the brain cancer changes you and he’s forgotten some stuff. He use to always say your parents will die one day and that’s the reality. Don’t be so emotionally attached because it will destroy you. My dad use to always worry about me and what would happen to me if he got sick or died and he was so right. But I know exactly what he would say. It’s just hard to do what he wanted me to do. Am I a bad daughter if I leave? Selfish? I do plan on flying back and forth every 2-3 weeks but he needs me. How am I supposed to do this? I know he’s in good hands with mum and sister. We take him out we cook for him we do everything for him. Meals are always homemade and ready for him. Sheets clean all the time. Clothes clean. We shower him. I mean for the last year my dad never got a bed sore. I sleep really late and I set my alarm for every hour to wake up and check on him at night. I really try to do everything for him and I’m afraid my mum and sister will get tired. Gosh I just don’t want to loose him. I would give my life for my dad if it really would save his.