Hi 

I am so sorry to hear your sad news. My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver.He has recently passed away on 21st may 2020 just 7 weeks after diagnosis. This is a cruel disease a aggressive cancer that is difficult to treat. We as a family are really struggling to live without him. He deteriorated so quickly and his journey wasent without its challenges.He was just 56 years old.

Hi Pam,

Welcome to our forum. I am so sorry to hear the sad news about your husband's passing. It is lways a shock when someone so young is taken so quickly. We lost my father-in-law just 5 days after diagnosis last year. We felt that we were only just coming to terms with his diagnosis when he was gone.

It is still all very new to you and, I can understand how you are finding it so hard to live without him. What ages are your family and, do you have family or friends to support you at this difficult time?

I am hoping and praying for better days for you all.

Kind regards,
Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine

I have 3 sons matthew 29, Lewis 24 and Rob 21. They are all still at home and are struggling with losing their dad.

I have a few friends that I meet up with. I go walking with them.  I try and make the effort even though I may not always feel like it.

Kind Regards

Pam

Hi Pam,

I am glad to hear that your sons are all still at home with you. I am sure that you are all struggling with your loss, but you are all there to support one another, which will be helpful for all of you.

I am glad to see that you ae still making the effort to meet up with friends and to continue walking with them. I am sure that you won't always feel like going out, but it is worth making the effort. We all take time to come to terms with a loss. Some of us take considerably longer than others.

I expect that, in time, your sons may want to flee the nest. If you rely totally on their support and centre your life totally around them, you will feel even more lost when this happens. Don't let your friendships slide, no matter how upset you feel. You will always have the love and support of your sons, but it can be different when they have partners.

Your friends will always be there for you, provided that you don't push them away now, so do keep making an effort. I expect that you will all still be seeing your husband as he was facing up to his final days. This is always so distressing. With the passage of time, you will look back on happier times and fonder memories. We are always here for you all.

Kind regards,
Jolamine xx

Thankyou Jolamine for your kind words.

My sons each have long term partners do I understand has you rightly say they will flee the nest and get on with their lives which I would want for them.

I really dont think it has hit me properly yet. We have the funeral on friday so planning this has been a focus for me. I feel so angry that this horrible disease has robbed us of our time together. We were talking about retiring earlier, selling the house so we could start to enjoy more holidays together. I really dont enjoy life anymore, there is nothing to look forward to. Really dont know how I will live without him. I miss him so much and it has only been 10days since he passed away at home.

Hi Pam,

I am sure that you would want your sons to flee the nest eventually. I wanted the same for mine when they were around these ages.

It won't have hit you properly yet. You have been busy planning his funeral. This must have been particularly hard with all the rules about social distancing. You are probably living on Adrenaline as you wait to get the funeral behind you. You may well find yourself at more of a loss after the funeral is over, as you will find that the focus which you have centred on since your beloved husband died, will have gone.

I can appreciate just how angry you feel about being robbed of the time that you had planned to spend together, enjoying holidays and early retirement. My hubby had a quadruple by-pass at 50 and had to retire then, without any financial support. I had intended to retire at 50 myself, but am still working in my 70'ies to support us both. He has since been diagnosed with heart failure, so we can no longer travel on holidays. Even staying in the UK is difficult, because he has such difficulty in walking now, so I too feel robbed of our dreams.

I can understand why you see nothing to look forward to at the moment. You will live without him, but you will always hold him in your heart. Have you got a nice photograph of him. Many people on this forum say that they find it helpful to put this in a prominent place and, then they are able to talk to their loved one. This can be hard at first, but it does get easier with time.

With 3 strapping sons who all have lifetime partners, I expect that it won't be long before you hear the pitter patter of tiny feet and, that you find that there is so much to look forward to once again.

Try not to look too far into the furure at the moment. Take things one day at a time and, if that's too much, take it hour by hour. You will find that it is easier to deal with life in bite sized chunks, rather than looking at the bigger picture - this will come with time.

You might find it helpful to read up on the seven stages of grief. This will assure you that all that you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Pam. So sorry for your loss. My husband passed away 11 weeks ago  age 58. We have no children.  He was my best friend and I miss him so much. I get everything you are saying and I hope for both our sakes and everyone else on this forum that it gets easier. I am finding it just unbearable. Friends are really great but they just arent him. 

Sue xx

I feel for you all in my case it's been just over two years and no it hasn't got easier, in fact it feels worse he wasn't just my husband he's my best friend and we have 30 wonderful years together, I also know I won't ever get over this, I could have 200 or more friends and family here with me every day, but he's not there so it don't help anyone who says otherwise hasn't been thr it and wouldn't understand, the only time I will be happy again is when I'm with him, so I'm not going to lie and say it gets better so my heart goes out to you all xx

I feel for you all in my case it's been just over two years and no it hasn't got easier, in fact it feels worse he wasn't just my husband he's my best friend and we have 30 wonderful years together, I also know I won't ever get over this, I could have 200 or more friends and family here with me every day, but he's not there so it don't help anyone who says otherwise hasn't been thr it and wouldn't understand, the only time I will be happy again is when I'm with him, so I'm not going to lie and say it gets better so my heart goes out to you all xx

Yes, my friend also in her 50's lost her husband 7 years ago (bone cancer not Pancreatic) and she is still struggling. Also like you and I - together over 30 years and now nothing. It is such an empty feeling isn't it. I am not suicidal or anything like that but it dawned on me yesterday when I was thinking it is only 11 weeks today - that it feels like Groundhog Day - you wake up, get up, do the chores all on your own, seeing anyone or doing the odd different thing in the day just seems irrelevant - every day is the same.  I know everyone says it will take your mind off a bit once Lockdown is over but the facts remain the same.A Hospice lady told me she asked one of her bereaved lady to draw how her grief felt. She drew a big circle and coloured it in black.  Months down the line she asked her to draw it again. She still drew the same black circle as she said the loss/grief hadn't changed but she drew a smaller lighter circle around the outside to show other things were occupying her  mind a bit more. I totally get this may happen but I think the lighter circle time will vary for all of us. 

Thinking of your all - we are all in the same boat

Sue x