Hi Pam,

I am glad to hear that your sons are all still at home with you. I am sure that you are all struggling with your loss, but you are all there to support one another, which will be helpful for all of you.

I am glad to see that you ae still making the effort to meet up with friends and to continue walking with them. I am sure that you won't always feel like going out, but it is worth making the effort. We all take time to come to terms with a loss. Some of us take considerably longer than others.

I expect that, in time, your sons may want to flee the nest. If you rely totally on their support and centre your life totally around them, you will feel even more lost when this happens. Don't let your friendships slide, no matter how upset you feel. You will always have the love and support of your sons, but it can be different when they have partners.

Your friends will always be there for you, provided that you don't push them away now, so do keep making an effort. I expect that you will all still be seeing your husband as he was facing up to his final days. This is always so distressing. With the passage of time, you will look back on happier times and fonder memories. We are always here for you all.

Kind regards,
Jolamine xx

Thankyou Jolamine for your kind words.

My sons each have long term partners do I understand has you rightly say they will flee the nest and get on with their lives which I would want for them.

I really dont think it has hit me properly yet. We have the funeral on friday so planning this has been a focus for me. I feel so angry that this horrible disease has robbed us of our time together. We were talking about retiring earlier, selling the house so we could start to enjoy more holidays together. I really dont enjoy life anymore, there is nothing to look forward to. Really dont know how I will live without him. I miss him so much and it has only been 10days since he passed away at home.

Hi Pam. So sorry for your loss. My husband passed away 11 weeks ago  age 58. We have no children.  He was my best friend and I miss him so much. I get everything you are saying and I hope for both our sakes and everyone else on this forum that it gets easier. I am finding it just unbearable. Friends are really great but they just arent him. 

Sue xx

I feel for you all in my case it's been just over two years and no it hasn't got easier, in fact it feels worse he wasn't just my husband he's my best friend and we have 30 wonderful years together, I also know I won't ever get over this, I could have 200 or more friends and family here with me every day, but he's not there so it don't help anyone who says otherwise hasn't been thr it and wouldn't understand, the only time I will be happy again is when I'm with him, so I'm not going to lie and say it gets better so my heart goes out to you all xx

Yes, my friend also in her 50's lost her husband 7 years ago (bone cancer not Pancreatic) and she is still struggling. Also like you and I - together over 30 years and now nothing. It is such an empty feeling isn't it. I am not suicidal or anything like that but it dawned on me yesterday when I was thinking it is only 11 weeks today - that it feels like Groundhog Day - you wake up, get up, do the chores all on your own, seeing anyone or doing the odd different thing in the day just seems irrelevant - every day is the same.  I know everyone says it will take your mind off a bit once Lockdown is over but the facts remain the same.A Hospice lady told me she asked one of her bereaved lady to draw how her grief felt. She drew a big circle and coloured it in black.  Months down the line she asked her to draw it again. She still drew the same black circle as she said the loss/grief hadn't changed but she drew a smaller lighter circle around the outside to show other things were occupying her  mind a bit more. I totally get this may happen but I think the lighter circle time will vary for all of us. 

Thinking of your all - we are all in the same boat

Sue x

Hi Sue

I totally understand what you are going through. Everyday is a struggle for me living without him. It is early days for us both. I have had mixed emotions and I look at other couples out an about some the same age or older still have each other. Life is cruel, so unfair we had things planned that we were going to do and I feel we have been robbed of all of that. Our boys are devastated my youngest is 21, so sad for them all that they have list their dad.

They say time helps, my life will never be the same without him. I know what you mean you have your friends but they are not him. 

take care

Hi Dolly, so sorry to hear of your loss. Please can I ask what your husband's symptoms were prior to diagnosis and how was his cancer discovered.?  I am waiting for some tests myself and fearing the worst?  

hi didn't really have any until it went to his liver, but how it started was he kept feeling bloated and a few pains when they said was probably acid, but they gave him a ultra scan and they phoned the same day said can we go straight to the doctors, when we got there the doctors said they found a mass on his pancreas, you could have floored me my Tommy is never ill they also took a poo sample said he also got a infection, anyway I said to the doctor do you think it's cancer he said he didn't know it could be just a cyst and that they going to give him a ct, scan we waited two weeks for that scan with me phoning every day to see if there was a cancellation when the appointment came few he had it done than there was the waiting again it was a nightmare, about four days later he started getting alot of pain I was begging the doctors to give him something for it but they said they can't yet because they didn't know what the mass was, two days later I noticed he was yellow so I phoned my brother in law and we took him to the hospital where thank god they gave him pain relief than they phoned thr to the other hospital for the results of ct scan that's when they told us it was pancreatic cancer which we knew nothing about,

I lost it completely when I calmed down I thought OK maybe they will remove it bit of chemo he will be fine, they took him to a ward that night we had a doctor come round said the pain isn't from the cancer he had a duck bile blocked they took him down to unblock it, they said it's very common with pancreatic cancer, we had the mcmillion, there that's when they told us he had less than a year I was so shocked I nearly fell up the floor can't imagine what my husband was going thr I said in the hospital with him for the whole two weeks he was there than he come home on my birthday 2nd March two days later in hospital again with a lot of pain but that was because he had no bowel movements, than the last time he came home he was in our bed 3 nights and 4 "days, but what I do remember in, 2014,he woke me up in a lot of pain in his belly to be blunt it was coming from both ends than one year later it happened again, 2 o'clock in the morning like the year before so I said OK now your going to the doctors we did just to be told its just one of those things he never had no scans or anything

I do think to this day if they gave him a scan in, 2014,they would have found it than so over four years it got a lot bigger and I lost my soul mate, I than waited till after the Christmas he passed and wrote to the doctor telling her that by not doing anything she killed him, she asked if I wanted to make a complaint I said what's the point it won't bring him back,, anyway hope this helped it did start with his belly and the stool sample oh and a couple weeks before that he couldn't urinate, if your going thr this now I will pray for you and please god it's not something serious god bless x

Hi Dolly,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for providing so much useful information.  I am awaiting tests to determine what is wrong but I fear that it will be PC because of the symptoms I am experiencing. Your prayers will be very much appreciated at this difficult time.

Jo