Not sure of next steps

Hi my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer nearly a year ago, we were ready to fight and he got through chemo he was caring for my mum who has Alzheimer’s and was bedridden so to concentrate on beating cancer mum went into a home, and he fought it had all the treatment in June we were told it was shrunk but there was another treatment he could move onto seemed to be more chemo dad started the treatment after a couple of months he started losing weight and had diarrhoea issues so stopped treatment then this escalated he suddenly lost a lot of weight last month at the oncology appointment he was admitted to hospital due to loss of weight and high blood pressure that’s when we noticed a difference he had changed wanted to lie in bed in the dark a bit confused and saying odd things, we were told not the cancer but he had an infection after antibiotics a few days later sent home then the confusion got worse not going out wearing multiple layers of trousers not eating not visiting my mum which prior he did daily no interest in anything, drs said could be infection after effects so really were not worried he would bounce back so concentrated on making sure he ate etc, yesterday next oncology appointment and they are now suddenly saying he hasn’t got long to go that the confusion is a sign the end is near and not worth making another appointment and we need to get him in a home, how have we got here? I have no idea was a total shock I work 70 miles away and can’t be with him 24/7 he doesn’t want to go into a home and the doctor said he can’t organise palliative care as he is not in pain. We need someone to sit with him during the day but who? He could be taken advantage of so scared in case we get the wrong person and he doesn’t seem any worse looks like if we feed him up he would be ok so is it true? How can we tell? What if they are wrong? If it’s the cancer why did they say everything is fine a month ago? Who can help us do I just give up work and make the most of the next couple of months that would mean not giving any notice as I am on 3 months notice and they are saying he has 2 months. What are the signs if we he is still getting up and getting his tea etc can he really be dying? Sorry so many questions but so confused there is only questions in my head

  • Hello Amandadand welcome.  What a difficult situation.  I have tried to run through possibilities in my head but doubt whether I have thought up anything you have not considered yourself.  Is it a possibility to bring y our dad to where you live yourself?  If it is not could you perhaps take advice fromt he Adult Services (Social Services) team at the local council.  This could work if your dad has good neighbours who would be kind enough to keep an eye on what was happening?  Or, depending on how reliable your dad's neighbours are, they could take a leading role in keeping an eye on your dad (I have done this myself but I have lived here a long time and all our neighbours know each other well).  Also, one of the neighbours knew of a student who was totally reliable and would be happy to move in with the terminally-ill neighbour so that someone was there at night; it suited them both and the three of us worked together well.  I of course have no idea of  your dad's situation vis-a-vis the neighbours or any for instance clubs he attends where someone might know a suitable candidate.  There has to be reliable students who would be glad of this kind of situation - it is just a case of finding someone who is suitable.    I am  just throwing out ideas which may or may not have relevance to your dad's situation but if you know your dad's neighbours then it may be worth talking to them.  I cannot really comment in your dad's medical condition other than to say things can change frighteningly fast with cancer.   I would say that you don't really want to leave yourself in a desperate situation having given up your job so it would be worth having a go at finding the right somebody.  Best wishes.  Annie

  • Thank you very much for replying, I only have one bedroom so dad can’t live with me, but your right perhaps paying someone to stay with him is a good idea been with him all day and he is definitely brighter so I think he does need someone there all day but not really got the right neighbours either but that has helped thank you