Hi there .. it's a real dilema .. 

Every child is different .. they may really need to see nanny poorly as otherwise may not understand when she goes .. they may be traumatised by seeing her so I'll. . I don't think there is no easy answer ..

All I can think of, is maybe wait for a day when your mum in law is not doing so bad .. and tell him nanny is very poorly .. if he asks is nanny going to die .. try to answer in gentle honesty .. even if you say .. we don't know, even at that young age will remember honesty .. but gently done ...

May say to him nanny is very very poorly... would you like to see her ... and let him lead the way ..

We were honest with my 5 year old granddaughter , about my cancer .. when she asked if I was going to die befor my op .. I explained the Drs were going to try to make me better .. but if I did die, I would be the star next to my mum's bright one .. so I could look down and see her every night from up there ..

She visited me in hosp after my masectomy and just hugged me very gently ... and she's been so fine since.. knowing I didn't have one boob as it was making me poorly .. she was fine with that ...

I was lied to when I lost my grandad when I was 6 .. I never forgot it .. and it hurts even now ... but what does your heart say ... you know your son .. talk to his mum ... then decide. . 

Hope that helps a tad ... Chrissie x

Thanks Chrissie, 

My heart says no but head says maybe . She isn't walking or talking and has not shed any tears since this all started so I'm not sure what she understands etc. I'm scared she wont react to him x

If she's that poorly , maybe not ... But answer your little one .. either say nanny is too poorly .. and she may just get a good day at one point ... It does happen occasionally... What does his mum say ...

I wish I had better advice .. hopefully someone else may have an idea to help ... Chrissie. X

I am not sure that my advice is any different or any better.  I have been involved in helping neighbours and friends with terminal illness within their families and most of them have involved their children of all ages at every stage of the illness.  I also still have a memory of my four year old self travelling with my parents to visit my Welsh grandad who was terminally ill with stomach cancer (by the way I am 66 now so it was all some time ago!).  I didn't really understand what was going on but nobody stopped me going into grandad's bedroom to see him whenever I wanted to do so.  I was there through him bringing up bloody vomit and other unfortunate manifestations of his illness and rather than it upsetting me it made me understand that he was ill.  Bless him, he answered my four-year old questions and I think it was all helpful to me.  Back to the present time, I think it is partly a cultural thing (though not necessarily always); when I was helping nurse my West Indian neighbour I loved the way his extended family all trooped in and out to see him even when he was distressingly ill and again when he died early one morning the whole family gradually arrived and went in to see him for a last time (well, the second last, as it was an open coffin funeral).  You know your 5 year old best and know if you think it would be more helpful than harmful  (or vice versa) then of course you should go with your decision.  I think children worry about things they don't understand and - all things being equal - it might be good if he has a chance to say goodbye to his gran and talk with her.  Don't know if this helps at all but my best wishes to you.  Annie

Thanks Chrissie x

What a tricky situation - really feel for you. Great advice from the other ladies here. 

Having lived overseas for some years, I do think  we struggle with death compared to other cultures. We tend to see it as something to be hidden away and to protect people from. But what are we actually protecting them from?

Now flip the perspective and see two people who love each other dearly. They both probably realise more about the situation than they are outwardly letting on. (Seeing my 5 year olds reaction to my BC news was certainly a revelation!).

I’d say let your son and nanny cuddle up and say their goodbyes. It may help them both come to terms with things, especially for your son once she’s gone xxx 

Well said mrsfingers ..

I think your very wise ...

Hi!

My mum was 58 and my son is 8. My mum was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer and lived only 6 months after diagnosis (we didn't know this until she passed on 1.5 weeks ago). My son and my mum were very very very close and I broke the news gently to him that nan is going through a cancer battle. So he has known this from the start.

About 4 weeks ago, my mum was hospitalized again and this time it looked extremely serious. She had suffered a stroke and it has robbed her from being able to speak and move. She was in a terrible state! I too was in your situation, should i allow my son to see his dear dear nan in this state? I didn't want my son's last memories of his vibrant, jolly and merry (his words) nan to be like this! But my son asked relentlessly to see nan and I first had to explain to him what happened so that it doesn't come as a shock to him. I remember, when i was 7 and when my grandad was hospitalized for pnemonia, he couldn't speak and i didn't know what was going on. I was so terribly upset that he didn't open his eyes or call my name. I think it came as such a shock because none of the adults told me anything. So i didn't want to make this mistake and I spoke to my son and explained what has happened.

That made such a difference! He arrived at the hospital and hugged his nan and helped massage her immobile hand with lots of love. I think he felt he was able to give his nan some support and love through these simple acts. He also volunteers to feed his nan via a feeding tube and i could see how much joy it brought him.

However, my mum progressed terribly a week after the stroke and she was hanging by a thread. She was in some form of semi-coma whereby she was asleep and could never wake up. She was gasping for air intermittently - now, for this situation, i didn't allow my son to be there. This visual image of my mum was too frightening, even for me, and i made the executive decision to not let him near his nan. I am glad about this.

After knowing where things were headed, we decided to bring my mum home. Once she was home, she looked so peaceful and serene. While her condition remained unchanged, she no longer gasped for air and was just sleeping peacefully. She didn't look like she was suffering at all. I then allowed my son to visit his nan and my mum passed on 2 days later. My son is sad that his nan passed on but having the visibility into what happened to nan and how she passed on brought my son a lot of comfort. 1.5 weeks have passed since, and my son said he feels less sad and is glad to have seen nan in her last days.

Wishing you clarity in your decision :) All the best!

Kind regards,

Iseult

Hi there  Iseult..

It always amazes me, that when things are done gently and with love and support .. just how young ones can cope far better then we imagine .. like on their cancer wards ... the strength and love comes through .. it's finding the right path ..

I was lied to when my graded passed .. they all said different stories .. away, gone to see his brother .. everything but the truth .. then another child just said "your grandad s  dead ... I was 6 or 7 .. it still hurts .. so you should be well proud of how you delt with that .. 

Chrissie  x