My dad has lung cancer and we’ve known it was terminal since August last year. He has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember (I am now in my forties), and he was aggressive and verbally abusive (occasionally physically towards my mum). I don’t think he had the best upbringing with his dad so I have some understanding and empathy for he fact he is an angry man who has felt he needed alcohol to feel better, but it has created anger and resentment for me and my 2 sisters.
My mum stuck with him through it all and she says he is her best friend and she is very very upset. We are also upset at the situation but we can’t shake off the feeling of resentment. I have a child now and I will always put her first.
He went into hospital a week and a half ago and went downhill quickly. He said he wanted home and mum said she wanted that too so we pushed to make that happen then realised it was going to be too traumatic for my mum so we decided he should go to the hospice. We’re told he has dayz He has been angry with us all ever since. Yesterday I got really angry and had to leave the room. Logically I know he’s not rational and it’s not personal but it just feels like a continuation of what he was like when he was drunk. He only stopped drinking because the cancer stopped him doing so. He says as much.
Despite saying all this, I don’t believe my dad is a bad man. I think he’s a human being who was dealt a *** hand growing up and hasn’t had the emotional tools to deal with it and it’s impacted his wife and family. But it doesn’t stop me feeling angry at times.
I’m fed up being angry but it stops the real sense of sadness setting in, I guess that’s what anger is, a defence mechanism and my dad is using it just now, this time to fight against his death.
I feel best when I feel nothing, but logically I know I’m going to feel all sorts of *** ways as this progresses and he dies and I’m tired at the thought. My mum and dad have taken up so much emotional energy for my sisters and I all our lives and we just want to have happy lives. Im lucky to have them both.
is it normal to feel this way and is there any advice on how things might feel when he dies and how to get through it? I need to be there for my mum, my baby daughter, and my husband (his dad has also been diagnosed with cancer so he’s seeing all this and it’s frightening him). But I also need to look after myself or I’ll be no good to anyone.
any advice welcome. Thanks.
