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I feel so ungrateful

fussy01
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It's taken me a few attempts to pluck up the courage to write this as I feel so ungrateful as a wife and mother for having the feelings I have. 

My husband was diagnosed with a blood cancer later last year, at first we were very hopeful and positive and then struck with the news that it was in terminal stages and may come back at anytime more aggressive. This has been alot to taken in, to look at him, he doesn't look sick maybe a few pounds lighter but healthy looking. We said we would enjoy what we have and take each day at a time. 

He has been off work from christmas and when he can play eats and sleeps golf. His bucket list contains all the places he can play golf and if it's a good day he takes himself to the golf club for 9 or 18 holes whatever he can manage. 

My moan is, I feel like he has forgotten me almost takes me for granted. I find myself doing everything at home from looking after our small baby to all the household chores, shopping and walking the dogs. It has definitely taken it's tole on me as I look and feel awful right now. He suggested I have 'time to myself' when the baby goes for his afternoon sleep and I can go and get the shopping. Understandably I was fuming.  We have not been intimate with each other from way before he was diagnosed and sometimes I feel like he gives me a patronizing pat on the shoulder, I assume he thinks because im here beside him that that is enough. I've got to the stage where I resent him almost, every breath and I know that's not right. 

I just want to run away, well that's how I feel most days. But then I would be the woman who left her dying husband. It's  like he has the cancer but he forgets how much it has affected me also. I feel like he is being selfish and just sitting back while I hold everything together but inside fall apart. I have tried to talk to him but that was met with not a very pleasant response so I just gave up. In existing here everyday trying to keep all normal for our baby. 

Has anyone else experience like this, someone please help me to understand this stranger I am now married to. 

 

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    Hi there and welcome ...

    What a heartbraking situation for you ... it must feel very lonely .. my heart goes out to you ...

    I know a terminal diagnosis effects everyone differently .. but you say the loving part of your relationship stopped before .. would you still be together with out the cancer ... what a dilema ...

    If I were in your shoes, I'd try and fill my time with your baby who needs you, and just do the best you can do ... there's no easy answer, but it must help just writhing it down and putting it in words .. l don't know how or why your husband is shutting you out .. sometimes people with cancer do that to loved ones because they think they will make it easier .. but only he knows that ..

    Try calling McMillan free phone, or the nurses on here have one, and I'm sure they would help with feelings and would listen .. don't hold it all in .. your brain is trying to make sense of it all, where there is none ... hold on and I'm sending you a big hug .. think you need one ... chrissie 

  • Offline

    Evening, 

    Pretty new to all of this and only recently started posting here but I’m sorry to hear of your situation and how you’re feeling. 

    Its a a tough situation to be in, clearly you’ve just brought something special in to the world but at the same time you’re losing someone just as important & have no control over it. I had my first child just under 2 years ago and unfortunately a month later my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer & secondary cancer, thankfully she is still here and I cherish that everyday but reality is one day it’s going to come to an end, unfortunately way before her time so I can slightly relate to your situation.

    I guess everyone handles it differently and he is likely just trying to do all the things he wants to before his time comes but ultimately you will be the one left here on your own with your baby looking back at all the things you wish you’d done together - with that in mind, why don’t you suggest that you take some time out together? Just the two of you, maybe some family could help out with the little one so you can enjoy some final memories to cherish, but most importantly spending time together doing some family activies & take lots of photos and videos so the baby has something to look back at and remember his dad as he gets older. 

     

    C x

     

     

  • Offline

    Hi fussy01

    im in a similar position with my husband. He was diagnosed at the end of April and has been undergoing radiotherapy and chemotherapy. It’s been a really tough road for him physically but for me mentally and emotionally. 

    Like you, I have been doing everything at home with little or no input which in itself is exhausting. We also have not been intimate for a long time and he doesn’t seem to take on board how I’m feeling - he tells me that I can’t talk about how I feel because I have to be strong for him and there is no point in looking to the future and live for the moment. 

    Ive recently been having increasing anxiety attacks about what the future holds. I would say go to your GP. They are there to support you as much as they are your husband. I’ve been signed off work and on antidepressants. I go to counselling and have fortnightly reviews with my GP. It makes things slightly more bareable. 

    Please try to take time to look after yourself. I found that very hard at first but you can’t do anything running on empty. 

    Xx

  • Offline in reply to Tiredbunny

    Thank you for your response guys I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. 

    Most days I just want to run away, I was my old life back, i was to feel good about myself again instead of feeling the way I do. Cancer affects all aspects of our life I just wish he would see that.

    Stef

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