Hi there ... oh my that's really sad ... and your heart must be braking ... maybe write them a letter, saying how much you care, and just want to help her through now ... but be prepaired they may just shut you out .. by the sound of things ... some parents think they know best and don't realise the harm they do ...

I'm so so sorry for you and her .., esp knowing how much that prom would mean to every young girl .. and that would be such a lovely memory they could have of her too ... so they are missing out ... they will never see their daughter in a prom dress looking beautifull ... I so wish l had the answer to help you ..

Hopefully someone else may have something to suggest ... take care ... Chrissie  ....

Hi

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Is there anyhting we can do to help?

A

Hi there,

So sorry for the situation you are in and what is happening to your girlfriend, it is heartbreaking.  (I'll apologise now, I have a lot to say that may help you. If it doesn't then sorry for the length, but I'd rather say it in case it does.)

I like Chriss' idea of writing them a letter, but agree they may just shut you out, still at least you will have tried.  I would just say be careful what you write, ensure it is about your girlfriend and what she wants and in no way judges her parents or suggests they are anything other than loving (whether that is true or not).  Given the important of the letter to you it would be a good idea to get someone separate from the situation to read it over and help you edit it to ensure the wording doesn't in any way come across as being about you and what you want.  Come to think of it if you wanted you could post it on here and I'm sure some of us would help you edit it.  I say that because when you write to people you don't know that well you have to remember they won't read it exactly as you intended it and they won't have tone of voice or facial expression to help them judge your meaning.

People do express love in different ways and you'll know there is no right or wrong way.  Her parents may be unable to express love in a way that is normal to you simply because they weren't raised with that type of expression.  My ex-boyfriend's parents were very matter of fact, non-tactile etc. in how they raised him, but I know they did and do love him very much.  It is only in his 30s that he was finally able to understand and appreciate how they show their love for him.

The majority of parents want what is best for their child, that is love.  The problem often stems from the fact that we all have differing ideas about what is best for our loved ones and you will have different ideas to them as to what is best for your girlfriend, your girlfriend will have ideas that differ from yours also.

With regard to the self-harm (I self-harmed for decades) obviously this is a, usually, mild form of mental illness.  My experience of founding a mental health charity was that we were very careful to speak to the local Muslim Council to be put in touch with people that could give us insight into where local Muslims currently are in their views on mental illness.  While everyone is individual there are still vast differences in the way mental illness is viewed across different nationalities and cultures.  Western cultures still have a long way to go in how they view mental illness, but some cultures with their roots in the east are still very much stuck in the past regarding mental illness (they are where western society once was, it's just a time difference).  We have to be very careful in how we reach out to the Muslim community here but we need to reach them as those within it are far less likely to approach us, this also means they are less likely to be receiving medical care for their illness.  

We know what we know about mental illness, but your girlfriend's parents may have grown up with and currently be surrounded by people with vastly different views, they may simply not be receiving the same message that you have because they aren't exposed to it.  Outwith the Muslim community there are lots of people that do not understand and think self-harmers are weird or stupid.  The reality is that most people I know cannot remotely comprehend why anyone would self-harm, because they have never felt the feelings that make you self-harm (they are lucky!)

While you're considering what to do, also please remember that what her parents will be expressing isn't just love (in their own way) but fear of losing their child.  Losing a child used to be far more common and society was better equipped to deal with it, but nowadays it is something that people just don't expect to ever have to face and people really do not cope at all.  It may be that part of their personal identity is being your girlfriend's parents and that is going to be taken away from them.  There will be all sorts of complex emotions caught up in what they are going through, not least there is likely to be some anger, as well as possibly denial.  They will undoubtedly worry about her coming to more harm (seems illogical when someone is terminal I know, but often the response is to wrap them in cotton wool to prevent more injury/illness) so consider how to ensure she is safe in anything you wish to do with her.

Try to get across that she is happy when she's with you, but without it coming across like you're suggesting she isn't happy with them (she may well be in a different way that you don't see).  And in terms of the prom if you are going to suggest she goes then involve her parents in it so it can be a positive memory for everyone, not just you and your girlfriend.  They need this every bit as much.

Whatever you do be careful to show the utmost respect for their views, their beliefs, their fears and their feelings, that is your best chance of getting your girlfriend to the prom and letting her have that one big experience in her life.

Again, sorry about the length, but I hope there's some insight and practical advice in there of use to you, if not, or if it's stuff you already knew, just ignore :-)

LJx