Emotional support when you hate your mother

My mother is an alcoholic who has suffered from depression for most of her life. She is emotionally and verbally abusive to my father and myself. We have never gotten along well and I deeply dislike her. She has regular outbursts when she screams abuse at us for hours/ days.

Recently she was diagnosed with breast cancer. At the beginning she said she told me alone and told my father she wanted him to have nothing to do with it. 

I sometimes attended appointments with her, but she usually went with a random friend. My father and I visited her in hospital. 

As she frequently changed her mind about what she wanted from us (she only wanted her friends at the appointments, then she was angry that we didn't turn up, and then decided we were not allowed to tell the rest of the family, and then was angry that no one asked how she was etc.) we only have very small amonts of information. 

For months I put in a lot of effort. I cooked and cleaned, made her breakfast every morning, called twice a day when I was at work, took time off to attend appointments and always listened to her, gave advice. But her outbursts are becomming more and more aggressive and voilent.

Becuase she is such a horrible person (has wished cancer on her friends who have not provided her with enough support etc.), she has few people to speak to about this. I have tried to always be supportive emotionally and physically but it is becoming increasingly hard. How can I 'emotionally support' my mother when I despise her?

 

  • Hi Sean forgive me if I’m wrong but I don’t think you hate/despise your mum. I think you hate her alcoholism & the way she treats you & your dad. I don’t think you’d be on here looking for help/advice on how to support someone you hate. Could you maybe contact a nurse or someone medical your mum has seen? Sometimes they will talk to you separately. If you can’t talk to her write her a letter explaining how you feel & that you want to support her. Depression & alcoholism are terrible illnesses she really needs help for this but I know you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Also we often “take it out” on the people we love the most. X

  • Oh bless ya ... What a sad situation ... I only know what you say and not knowing your mum can only go on what you said ...

    I know alcoholism and depression are really hard and they do act differently with them ... It's only my opinion but now you have tried everything you have , if it were me, I'd pull back ... You and your dad must be at your with end ... The reason she's angry is what she's going through , but it's no excuse to make those close to you suffer ... And I have worked in mental health along the way ... So know the down side .. but most feel sorry for those around them ... That l have empathy for ... 

    You need to look after you and dad now and wait to see if she reaches out for help ... I would walk away as soon as she starts verbally abusing you ... It's tough love ... You can't help anyone who doesn't want it .. l just hope she sees how lucky she is to have a son as caring as you ...

    But I do agree with last reply ... You hate what she's turned into ... But sending you and dad a vertual hug .. hold on together ... Chrissie x

  • Hi SeanDoc,

    If it were me in your shoes, I'd walk away, first telling her that, having been abusive to you for so long, you've had enough and she can wallow in the misery of her own making. That you've tried to be supportive and had it thrown back in your face. Goodbye.

    Having cancer is no excuse for being nasty and nasty people don't suddenly change into wonderful people, simply by being ill.

    Personally, I'd ignore those who tell you you don't hate her - who are they to deny you your emotions, valid as they are.

    Accept your emotions, they are valid and you're entitled to them. Who knows, maybe if you walk away your feelings might mellow. Maybe not. But you're the guardian of your own life and well-being. Do what's best for you.

     

    Best Regards

    Taff