so we have found out that my dad has lung cancer but the problem is me and him have never had a good relationship he has been in and out of my life and has alwasy blamed me for everything that is wrong with him life. 

we are not sure of what stage he is at, but when he found out he texted me to tell me about it, i had a cry and i have not been able to sleep since as i don't know what to feel, i feel upset but i also feel numb to it, i have always had my mum and if this was her i would be deversated but with him i don't know. 

i saw him yesterday and i broke down in tears when i got to my hotel room after, he was not the man i reconzied he has lost a lot of weight and he keep coughing to the point he is almost sick and he is in so much pain, i sturggled looking at him like that, and at wokr today i broke down in tears and was sent home, the thing is i don't know if i want to see him again, i have not got any good memorys with him but i don't know him like this being the memory i have. 

the doctors have already said it is not looking good and that even if he does have chemo it will never clear all of it.

i don't know what to do ro how to feel i am upset but i am also numb and angry