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lung cancer how to deal with

bluescarfgirl
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so we have found out that my dad has lung cancer but the problem is me and him have never had a good relationship he has been in and out of my life and has alwasy blamed me for everything that is wrong with him life. 

we are not sure of what stage he is at, but when he found out he texted me to tell me about it, i had a cry and i have not been able to sleep since as i don't know what to feel, i feel upset but i also feel numb to it, i have always had my mum and if this was her i would be deversated but with him i don't know. 

i saw him yesterday and i broke down in tears when i got to my hotel room after, he was not the man i reconzied he has lost a lot of weight and he keep coughing to the point he is almost sick and he is in so much pain, i sturggled looking at him like that, and at wokr today i broke down in tears and was sent home, the thing is i don't know if i want to see him again, i have not got any good memorys with him but i don't know him like this being the memory i have. 

the doctors have already said it is not looking good and that even if he does have chemo it will never clear all of it.

i don't know what to do ro how to feel i am upset but i am also numb and angry 

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    Dear bluescarfgirl, Of course you are! You sound surprised that your experiencing such normal feelings.  What ever happens he is your father, the little girl inside you wants a loving relationship or at least good memories, unfortunately your not feeling that yet.  However, you will you will remember moments when he has loving  That's the way the brain works! 

    Stop being hard on yourself! Your mourning the loss of a loving father while looking at a father obviously in pain suffering, but your mind is replaying the lack of affection he gave you. A part of you is resentful and a part f you is feeling guilty. What is done is done, but you have time to make something now, stop over thinking it, go with it be there for him, you will be glad you were. Hope it helps! 

  • Offline in reply to maof4

    thank you for your reply

    so we have found out that he cant have a opertation as the cancer is to big and also in the middle of his chest near his hear, he has a choose to make and that is he takes treatment and he will have a year maybe 2 or no treatment and it is months. 

    i have had depression 3 times in my life and i am not starting to fall back to that dark place, i am trying to remain strong but i cant keep up and i feel selfish as i should be able to stay strong but the little girl in me wants her dad to be there but the adult in me is struggling as i know he will not be here much longer. 

    i just dont know who to talk to as i cant tell him how i feel it is not fair, my mum and him dont get on so i dont want to upset her with me being upset, and my friends dont know what to say to help me out and they are trying to support but they don't want to 

     

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