Support as a friend

my best friend (37) has been ill for the last 4 months. She has lost an immense amount of weight. Tests show that she has a high B12, low iron and a shadow on her lung. Of course the results for scan would have taken a week but she fot a call day after the scan (today) from her consultant to come in tomorrow to talk about it and it has been suggested to her to bring someone with her. Now it is me going with her. I have a bad feeling about this and as much as she is scared, I am too. But I need to be strong for her! So I am trying my best to write down questions to ask tomorrow at the appointment. Baring in mind she hasnt got a diagnosis as of today, I am thinking of general questions to ask. If anyone can help me I will note them down for tomorrow. Its difficult when you worry and are scared. So I try and do the best I can to make things a little easier and give her as much information as possible directly from her consultant and write it all down. Also if anyone has any advise on emotional support please do, I am not even sure what to say. She is my best friend, we are like sisters. 

Thank you

  • Hi there Cindy ... It's really hard but try not to over think things ... Best take a paper and pen so you can write everything down, including dates and any details, and if you don't understand any words they say , ask them to spell them ... My daughter in law came with me, and everything they said went over my head but my d in law stayed calm and when l was settled  she had wrote days and times and it was so helpful ... 

    I know you will be nervous too, but try and keep it together as she will need your strength ... Later you can let it all out ... But don't forget it just may be something that's o.k and treatable ... 

    Let us know how you go ... Maybe other will come along soon with more ideas on questions ...

    Wish we all had a friend like you .... Take care ... Chrisie xx

  • Hi Chriss. Thank you for your kind words. I wrote some questions down and asked them in the consultants office. She has been told she has cancer. They now need to take a biopsie to see which one and if it is treatable. Unfortunately she didnt give us any positive vibes, more likely to be a form of lung cancer, which is too big to operate with 8cm and pressing on the eating tube and breathing tube. When my friend waited for bloods to be taken, I went alone back in the consultants office to ask something else. That is when the consultant told me if it is untreatable, too advanced or not responding to treatment, she will only have a few months left. This crushed me and of course I couldnt tell her. My friend broke down. I hugged her tight and told her she is not alone! I will be with her every step of the way. On our way home we met her mum and son in the pharmacy. While she told her mum I occupied her son (8). Then her mum fell into my arms crying. I told her everything will be ok and she has my support too. When I was finally home I lost it! I was unconsolable and screamed! I am so angry because it was all visable a month ago on x ray but they sent her home. I will do everything I can! I just feel like I want to wrap her up, take her in my arms and never let go! I am crushed!
  • Hi there Sindy, A grim situation. I'm not a medic but I think all will hinge on it being operable (which has not been formally ruled out, if I understand correctly) and not having spread. Lung cancer statistics are dire, but this is because in many cases it has already spread at the moment of diagnosis. But at the moment no spread has been detected, which means there is still a great chance. So don't give up hope yet. xx Harry

  • Hi sindy  ... oh hunny, that's just heart breaking...  what an amazing friend you are ... but one thing worries me, is the Dr who told you she may have just few months left, was not supposed to give you info, before your friend ... and reading your post again, there's still a biopsy result to come, where they could find it's treatable, so hang on to that for the moment ... I expect your in a state now, as to what to say bout that information ... 

    Even the strongest of us, have a meltdown, when it feels just too much to handle ... that's normal... it's about getting things in proportion... it's about getting it all out, and getting back on track and being , like you were yesterday, and support your buddy ... there's no easy way around a diagnosis... you can let her talk, hold her hand, even cry together and it's no bad thing to admit your scared ... hopefully you, her mum, and son can all pull together to help her with whatever this horrible, cruel cancer brings .. 

    Just know , your not alone, there is so many on here going through this at the moment ... my heart is with you ... usually here most days ... l can't take the pain away, but l can listen ... take care ... sending you a big hug ... Chrissie  

  • Thank you Harry. At the moment its not possible to operate as its too big. But they are hoping to shrink it with chemo and then remove. But she also has fluid around her heart and very painful lymphnodes. We will have to wait and see what biopsy brings. Thank you for your kind words
  • Hi Chriss.

    thank you so much. My friend was supposed to have biopsy on Thursday but they couldnt do it as she was too sick! Just throwing up comstantly and they had to reschedule for Monday. I am worried out of my mind. Me and my partner have told her yesterday she shall call on us any time, come and stay, have a cry, a chat, a lie down, be looked after or whatever she needs. She is a feisty strong girl and we are holding on to the little hope we have, trying to stay positive and give her hope (within reason). She is in dispair. So am I. Yes perhaps the Doc shouldnt have told me but I asked her specifically for this. I wont tell my friend until the Doctor does. She has already enough to deal with without this aweful information. I need her to fight! Because I will make damn sure she doesnt need to lift a finger and has everything she needs. I cooked her a couple of dinners so she doesnt have to cook, which she was very grateful for. I looked into support and financial benefits for her and when it comes to it I told her I will help her. Its a set back that she couldnt have biopsy on thursday and it crushed her. But re take Monday, hopefully. And hopefully by Tuesday we know what exactly we are dealing with. I still find it very hard to cry, trying to keep going, holding everything together. She needs me to be strong. Even been thinking of getting her hair made into a wig and taking mine too. Told her I wear a bandanner with her together. Made her smile I will come back her once we know more. Thank you for the support, I appreciate it so much. Sometimes ppl dont know what to say but I am just trying to carry on being me. She is such a winderful woman. Xx

  • Hi sindy ... all l can say is, if we all had a friend like you, the world would be a kinder place ... I'm so sorry, it all sounds so heart breaking, but mirical do happen sometimes ... please look after your self .. I always remember the saying " who cares for the carers "  if you hold everything in ... it's like you have a drawer in your head, and when things get to painfull, you put it in your draw ... and carry on until one day you open the draw, and it all falls out ... then it's overwhelming and you won't cope .. it's all about balance .. caring for yourself, coz if you fall, everything falls ..

    don't hold back tears, it's the human way of realising tension, but don't cry all day... and don't be worried to admit your scared, and saying all the things in your heart, and your friend may open up to you too, some words are hard to hear, but keeping them in is worse in the long run ... you can't take this away from your friend, but like your doing, you can walk along side her ... believe me, your friendship is priceless to her .. 

    You can always private message me, if you need a shoulder to lean on .. as although I come on here most days, some replys are missed ... so brave lass .. you take care of your heart and be kind to yourself .. and don't forget to have a brake occasionally and do something nice, to take your mind off it all ... you'll be stronger for it ... big big hug ... Chrissie x

  • Hi Chriss, Thank you so much for your warm words. I do appreciate it. She had her biopsy done, finally. So its a waiting game now. But one thing... I had my car in the mechanics and when I picked it up I was all on my own, for the first time in a while. As my disabled son is Home Educated by me and always with me. But I was alone in the garage... The girl behind the counter asked me how I am.... And there it was... I finally broke down. I knew she had been through cancer treatment too and I knew she would understand. She took me in the office, held my hands and said "cry! Let it all oit and you are not alone"... And I cried and cried! She was the same, lung cancer stage 4 and got through it! Now, 2.5 years on she is still cancer free. She told me her story and gave me so much hope and strenghts. By the time I left, she told me to call her any time I need to (or my friend). I felt so overwhelmed but relieved. She did what I needed. And no doubt I will call on her if I need to. I came home feeling a little bit lighter. Thank you. And yes I told my friend, finally, that actually I am scared too and upset because I find it hard to show her. Xx
  • Hi there .. there's something I believe in, it's just my belief .. that we bump in to a special person when wer feeling a bit lost , that say something that stays in our hearts for ever ... l think there are angels on this earth, that come into your life for a reason ... to give us a gift, of comfort .... family, friend or a stranger we've never met ... so glad your got it out , bless ya ..

    Now fingers crossed for results ... always here if you need a shoulder... Chrissie