Cancer Research UK main site

Lonely

Merge
Offline

...it has been a long time since I last posted/engaged with the forum, thinking I could do this by myself pretty much but my husband is now in the last few months of life with bowel cancer and I am very tired. It is lonely, having to be strong, with the public face on for so much of the time and not wanting to show how distressed I am to him. I do have very supportive friends who are there for me but breaking down with them is just not what I can do. I have been reading about the Gold Standard Framework that talks about support for carers as being a key component but over the 3 years that my husband has been receiving treatment and now palliative care, never have I been asked how I am or offered support by any care professional that we have come into contact with. I would like to talk confidentially to his palliative care consultant about what to expect etc but he writes quite detailed letters re.what was discussed at appointments to my husband's GP and sends copies to my husband - my husband has only recently allowed me to go to appointments with this consulant so there is an issue of trust too. Thanks for being there.

  • Offline

    Hello Merge.  I have not been posting on this forum for very long and took a few minutes to read your previous posts before coming here to say hello.  I note you like dancing the Argentine tango (you are not Debbie McGee in disguise by any chance?).  But seriously, you come across as worn out and that is not surprising if you are holding in your feelings.  If one of your friends was in a similar position would you not be happy for them to pour out their worries and problems to you?  You do need somewhere to vent.  Did you ever speak with MacMillan Cancer Care as discussed in an earlier post?  If you hold everything in something has to give.  You need a good hug and somewhere to channel your worries. Is there any reason why you cannot talk confidentially with the palliative care consultant given that you are attending the appointments with your husband - I am not conversant with all the niceties of consent in these circumstances.  It is good that you have returned here to post and I hope you will continue to do this - take advantage of as many sources of help and strength that you can use.

    Your cat looks very cosy; my little dog is similarly ensconced on a cushion at the moment; he is the latest Battersea dog we have had and like all of them has taken over at home.

     

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Many thanks for your kind and caring response Annieliz, very much appreciated and a 'virtual' hug. Unfortunately I have never been able to do the splits like Debbie McGee! I'm not sure about consent either but will ask and post what I find out. 

    My cat is a rescue animal too and took over 7 years ago!

  • Offline in reply to Merge

    Hi again; it was nice to hear from you.  My little bichon frise, Muffin, has been a source of anxiety this week.  First of all he was having trouble doing his poos whilst out on a walk one day.  I took him to our vet (fortunately it is nearby) and they were able to see him straight away and said he was all bunged up - the poor vet had to clear out his backside.  Muffin was quite enraged about the indignity but today he sems very frisky and happier than he has been for a few days.  Too happy.  Whilst in the park he was racing around having a great time when he took himself out of the entrance and ran over the road,  He has never done that before and I need to make sure he doesn't do it again.  I was terrified as there were cars around.  I'll have to get some advice from the dog owners I see in the park. 

    No, I realise that this is not a forum for dog owners with problems.  You come across as a nice lady who is carrying too much of a burden (if that is not too dramatic) and I hope you will continue to post here even if you don't feel up to baring your soul to either your friends or someone like MacMillan.   It sound as though the next few months are going to be hard and you need to know what is happening and have some support; look after yourself.

  • Offline

    Hi,

    I can really relate to your feeling of loneliness, despite wonderful support from friends, family, consultant and palliative care nurse, it is very tiring trying to be cheerful. My husband is terminally ill(diagnosed end August 2017), and just about to start palliative radiotherapy, ad possibly chemo. It is all a bit overwhelming, especially when hubby is so poorly. Now that your husband is allowing you to go to appointments with him, there is no reason why all of his medical matter should not be disccussed with you. If you have a Mcmillan nurse, they should chat with you, and offer counselling.

    Best wishes and hugs xx

     

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.