Hi all - Dave and Chriss- it certainly helps being able to discuss these issues and realise we aren’t alone. 

Thank you

June

Hi,

I am reading this back and can see how much is so true. The situation deteriorated and my husband moved out once he found a leaflet from my domestic abuse group in my bedroom. His favourite saying was your dont help me' which came out while I cooked or cleaned and made him comfortable. We were terrorised in our own home. There was no way to win. His family moved him out and I realise now that they have been stabbing us in the back for years telling my husband that we aren't looking after him. The psychological and emotional abuse I and our children have endured for years has been excruciating but we couldn't walk away. He said we neglected him which hurt so much. It was his excuse to deflect the issue away from the abuse which he acknowledged but could not face.
He was terminally ill and we did our best. His brother, who has an aggressive form of Aspergers, threatened me, another brother who is an accountant harassed my 82 year old father, a police report was made and they are monitoring the case, we had no idea if my husband was being cared for and a safeguarding team were ready to investigate. When I finally had access to the flat, after his death, we found his belongings scattered in bin bags on the floor around a hospital bed! 
When he moved out we had carefully packed his belongings but he brought four strangers- thugs- to move his things and his brother. It was terrifying - my husband started charging around the house trying to take things. I had no idea how bad his condition was. There were further incidents when his brother tried to help him empty our bank account telling everyone I had left my husband and was after his money. They are all crooks. Now they have a trust which they refuse to return which was meant (after paying for the funeral) for our children. The bullying and deceit goes back so far and I have since realised that the Aspergers on top of the cancer on top of the family dynamics was responsible for this. It has been a lot to cope with.

Our children have been diagnosed with PTSD and starting to receive help from a crisis team. All we ever did was try to look after him. My husband died in April. We have moments of disbelief, hurt, immense sadness that he died not understand how much we loved him. His family cut us out of the funeral to the disbelief of all our friends- everyone will know what has happened eventually. His extended family have also cut us off and his sister in law actually removed my son from the family group chat that day the day of my husband's funeral- no mother in their right mind would do that to a child whose Dad just died.

I know this is extreme. My husband was always a negative person but he had to cope with learning issues and because of the lack of empathy he grew up with, pretend to be ok. He always put on an act with everyone- we saw it constantly. He also hated the idea of living near his family- maybe he knew these issues would come back to haunt him.

We have been bullied by my husband, his family, the bank.... we are looking forward to finding further help for my children and somehow putting this behind us. Somewhere there are some happy memories of better times with my husband- we certainly can't see them now. 

Hi there ..

Oh my hunny ... even a saint could have done no more ... what you and your kids was and is being put through, is beond crule... you should be so proud of yourself for how long you tried ... I'm proud of you for all you did, and all your kids did ..,  

I'm sure your right, with his whole family with mentle health issues ... it looks like he never had a chance to be "normal" if I were you now, I'd ask those helping councilling your children, if there was a way you could do a little service in a chapple or spiecial place , where they can say a good bye to their dad ... who although didn't deserve it, was I recon still loved by them ... and they have a right to say what's in their heart .. you don't need his family to know, coz it's just for you and them .. and the one good thing he did was give you those children .. so in looking for something positive... there it is ...

Please cut his family out of your families life now .. or they will drag you down , just like they have been doing .. at the end of the day , they want to hurt you all too ... don't let them .. I stops here .. your kids and you need a new start , together ... you cant change the past, but you can change the future ..

Now it's time to heal the hurt ... it's time time to move on emotionally...  if you don't get any money for them , you'll still manage ... they have something far more precious...YOU ... baby steps to getting past this nightmare ..an slowly , i wish you piece and laughter... my heart goes out to you and lil ones ..  now looking back, you can see you had a mountain to climb ... but your amazing bravery got you away from him and safety for your children ...  sendin you a vertual hug.... Chrissie...  

Thank you Chrissie for your kind words. I wish you strength and love for the future. This experience has made me realise even more that we just have to do what we can with the every minute e we have, to live, love and help our neighbours.

Take care, you sound like a remarkable woman.

X

I am here to listen as my husband is doing the same thing. Stage 4 melanoma, most treatments have failured--surgery issues, he is bitter, angry and delibrately tries to push me away.

Gosh, you are describing nearly exactly how my not so dear husband's behaviour has been over the years. He has now been diagnosed with endo-cancer and although he has not got too much worse physically, his emotional abuse and Jackyl and Hyde behaviour has def. got worse. Like you, I suspect he has always been on the Autistic spectrum, but has never been diagnosed and he refuses to contemplate getting a diagnosis. He behave like a doting husband around my now grown up children, but he manipulates them and tries to make out his is a victim of a bossy wife. I do everything for him, he has no organizational skills, never been interested in the house, only football and politics. I wanted to leave him years ago when I found out what he was really like, but was trapped financially and he refused to leave. My children were too young at the time and he controlled me via been the main bread winner. I am seriously now looking at leaving him, cancer or not, I feel he is destroying both my physical and mental well being and I can no longer put up with it. My children are now grown up, so I only have to rehouse myself, of course he won't leave the house, so I am slowly working on an  escape plan. I suggest you do the same. No money or guilt tripping is worth enduring the destructive behaviour of a partner. Good good luck to you. x

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through Annofgreen.

Whilst cancer impacts everyone differently, no-one should experience controlling behaviour in their relationship, or domestic abuse. I know this can be quite a scary term to hear but it encompasses a wide range of behaviours including psychological or emotional abuse.

I know you've mentioned you're working on a way to leave your husband but if you would like to talk to someone about this you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or through their live chat services that are available Monday - Friday between 3p.m - 10p.m. They are free to contact and offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support.

You can also seek support and advice from Refuge and Woman's Aid, the latter of which have a survivor's handbook that provides practical support and information for women experiencing domestic abuse, including guidance on how to leave your relationship safely. 

If you feel comfortable mentioning this to your GP, they can signpost you to local domestic abuse services in your area and offer emotional support to you as well.

We're thinking of you Ann and really hope this information can help.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you so much for your advice. Unfortunately my husband is very charming to my now grown up children and uses his cancer as a way of gaining sympathy, so I try not to complain about him to them. Unfortunately I am now permanantly disabled and a permanent user of 2 elbow crutchers. No woman's refuge would allow me to stay there, because they are not adapted or insured for people with mobility issues. Can you beleive it! Horrifying. I will  slowly find a way and am going to seek legal advice. I do not think I want to spend the rest of my life being treated so badly. My husband is retired and 10 years older than me and although I have tried my very best to be kind and considerate and cook him healthy food and try my best to be a good wife, he does not value me and I really do not like him and where once I loved him, after only a few years, gradually he revealed himself to be a totally self-centred, self-serving, narcistic and manipulative person. I respect myself too much to continue in this way, so will have to think very carefully how to escape and at the same time not lose the otherwise wonderful relationship I have with my children. Thanks for caring enough to reply.

Dear Annofgreen,

It is a scary situation and it does help to know there are others on this forum who understand and virtually'have your back'. I have thought long and hard how to reply and I know it does help but can only do so from my own perspective. 
My husband passed three years ago and myself and my sons are at different stages of processing this with the help from therapists and counsellors. Admittedly my husband's behaviour has clouded all our best memories and there were some.It is very sad that this is how it ended. At the start my husband called me his Angel and I did what I could regarding his care, we were a team.
As soon as we returned to the UK and his family became involved it was a disaster.  I have come to realise retrospectively the level at which his family manipulated and tried to control the situation to their financial gain. It became aggressive and violent resulting in intervention from police and a safe guarding team at my request. When my husband's cancer spread to his brain the flight or fight mode became increasingly evident, twisted by his toxic family. I tried to help him and did everything I could but in the end we were just too scared whenever he came home. He basically took his illness out on me. He was constantly angry. The day he passed his family cut all ties with myself and our children. They harassed my family and even his parents had been involved in the plan. We didn't get chance to say goodbye, his brothers tried to change the will right up until the day he died and remove me as executor. I have proof and will prosecute them. The funeral was online (lockdown) and bizarre with little understanding of his life with us and hardly any mention of his children. A month later I was forced to hire a lawyer. Four months later I was determined that they would not win and set up my own business with the aim to help people who have been through difficult times. 
I chose to stay but my children were younger than yours. It feels wrong to discuss this here as there are so many incredible people living with cancer on this forum. Ours was an extreme situation and I am glad I stayed if only that I could try to control the situation as much as possible and my aim was to protect my children and my husband although he didn't seem to care.
We are in a much stronger position now and I am relieved to say that we  won in the end. I can now focus on helping our children find their way in life and support them.
Your situation is very different, talk to experts- MacMillan Cancer Support were great and very supportive. I wish you so much luck and courage. 
X