Take some time out, go for a drive or a walk and when you get back just say that you won't put up with this abusive any longer. 

Having cancer is a ***, but is no excuse for treating the people who care for you badly. 

Good luck

Dave

I really sympathise with everyone on this particular issue and I see that this sounds selfish! My husband has stage IV terminal lung cancer and councillors believe he is on the autistic spectrum. He has been controlling and abusive through most of our marriage with a lot of anger usually directed at myself and our children (now teenagers) who are struggling to know how to approach him and scared. In front of others he pretends everything is fine. Family don't see what he is like although we have tried to tell them - particularly his family, many of whom I feel have turned their backs on us. Despite the abuse we have a lot of compassion for his illness and have tried all we can to help but after three and half years we are worn out. I just keep taking a day at a time but any constructive advice would be gratefully received.

Many thanks

Hi June,

It sounds like you and your children have had a lot to put up with over the years. I have a theory that having a life-threatening illness can exagerrate someone's personality and behavioural problems. 

It is hard for non-specialists to diagnose an autistic spectrum disorder as many of the symptoms are shared with other long-term conditions such as a personality disorder, psychopathy or sociopathy but either way the chances are that his family are aware of this issue and have been in denial for decades.

Short of recording his abusive behaviour and threatening to share it with his family, I can't really suggest anything practical on that side of things.

On the care side, if you haven't already done so, ask his GP for a referral to MacMillan, Maggies, Marie Curie or whatever other services are available. Don't accept any nonsense that he wants only his wife and children to care for him, that's just another form of controlling behaviour. You and your children deserve a break and if help is available you should take it. His behaviour may be different in front of professional strangers. You might ask his GP or specialist nurse to review his pain control and anxiety medication - none of us behave ideally if we are in constant pain or feeling anxious all the time.

I wish I had more to suggest.

Best wishes

Dave

Hi there ...

Oh my .. I hope you've popped back and read Dave's advice ... it's really good ... 

I know it's harder said then done .. but no one should ever be controlled by bad behaviour... it's the reason, but nt an excuse to treat those trying to help, so badly they end up crying ... I've told my family if ever I get like that .., go ... till I calm down .. which hopefully will never come ... it's a bit like a spoiled child , screaming till they get their own way .. the more you give in, the worse the tantrums get ... if you go out or move away every time they are angry, 99% will change over time if they get nowhere from their actions ... and one thing I've learned through life is never ever scream back .. or yell .. it makes everything 10 times worse ... but get out somewhere safe and then scream and get it out ... just not in the middle of the supermarket ... and know, if you do it right it will get slowly more manageable... it's not overnight cure .. but sticking to the plan will get you through ...

And lastly don't let someone I'll dictate who does what ... otherwise you'll burn out ... accept help .. and give yourself a break .. do something different .. and be kind to your self .. get those children away to do something fun .. children should be protected from anger .. because that's what they will remember ..

Saying that .. I know how hard it is ... this cancer journey ... but it's hard on everyone ... 

May 2020 be kinder to you all ...  big hug to all carers ... Chrissie x 

Hi all - Dave and Chriss- it certainly helps being able to discuss these issues and realise we aren’t alone. 

Thank you

June

Hi,

I am reading this back and can see how much is so true. The situation deteriorated and my husband moved out once he found a leaflet from my domestic abuse group in my bedroom. His favourite saying was your dont help me' which came out while I cooked or cleaned and made him comfortable. We were terrorised in our own home. There was no way to win. His family moved him out and I realise now that they have been stabbing us in the back for years telling my husband that we aren't looking after him. The psychological and emotional abuse I and our children have endured for years has been excruciating but we couldn't walk away. He said we neglected him which hurt so much. It was his excuse to deflect the issue away from the abuse which he acknowledged but could not face.
He was terminally ill and we did our best. His brother, who has an aggressive form of Aspergers, threatened me, another brother who is an accountant harassed my 82 year old father, a police report was made and they are monitoring the case, we had no idea if my husband was being cared for and a safeguarding team were ready to investigate. When I finally had access to the flat, after his death, we found his belongings scattered in bin bags on the floor around a hospital bed! 
When he moved out we had carefully packed his belongings but he brought four strangers- thugs- to move his things and his brother. It was terrifying - my husband started charging around the house trying to take things. I had no idea how bad his condition was. There were further incidents when his brother tried to help him empty our bank account telling everyone I had left my husband and was after his money. They are all crooks. Now they have a trust which they refuse to return which was meant (after paying for the funeral) for our children. The bullying and deceit goes back so far and I have since realised that the Aspergers on top of the cancer on top of the family dynamics was responsible for this. It has been a lot to cope with.

Our children have been diagnosed with PTSD and starting to receive help from a crisis team. All we ever did was try to look after him. My husband died in April. We have moments of disbelief, hurt, immense sadness that he died not understand how much we loved him. His family cut us out of the funeral to the disbelief of all our friends- everyone will know what has happened eventually. His extended family have also cut us off and his sister in law actually removed my son from the family group chat that day the day of my husband's funeral- no mother in their right mind would do that to a child whose Dad just died.

I know this is extreme. My husband was always a negative person but he had to cope with learning issues and because of the lack of empathy he grew up with, pretend to be ok. He always put on an act with everyone- we saw it constantly. He also hated the idea of living near his family- maybe he knew these issues would come back to haunt him.

We have been bullied by my husband, his family, the bank.... we are looking forward to finding further help for my children and somehow putting this behind us. Somewhere there are some happy memories of better times with my husband- we certainly can't see them now. 

Hi there ..

Oh my hunny ... even a saint could have done no more ... what you and your kids was and is being put through, is beond crule... you should be so proud of yourself for how long you tried ... I'm proud of you for all you did, and all your kids did ..,  

I'm sure your right, with his whole family with mentle health issues ... it looks like he never had a chance to be "normal" if I were you now, I'd ask those helping councilling your children, if there was a way you could do a little service in a chapple or spiecial place , where they can say a good bye to their dad ... who although didn't deserve it, was I recon still loved by them ... and they have a right to say what's in their heart .. you don't need his family to know, coz it's just for you and them .. and the one good thing he did was give you those children .. so in looking for something positive... there it is ...

Please cut his family out of your families life now .. or they will drag you down , just like they have been doing .. at the end of the day , they want to hurt you all too ... don't let them .. I stops here .. your kids and you need a new start , together ... you cant change the past, but you can change the future ..

Now it's time to heal the hurt ... it's time time to move on emotionally...  if you don't get any money for them , you'll still manage ... they have something far more precious...YOU ... baby steps to getting past this nightmare ..an slowly , i wish you piece and laughter... my heart goes out to you and lil ones ..  now looking back, you can see you had a mountain to climb ... but your amazing bravery got you away from him and safety for your children ...  sendin you a vertual hug.... Chrissie...  

Hi there ..

Oh my hunny ... even a saint could have done no more ... what you and your kids was and is being put through, is beond crule... you should be so proud of yourself for how long you tried ... I'm proud of you for all you did, and all your kids did ..,  

I'm sure your right, with his whole family with mentle health issues ... it looks like he never had a chance to be "normal" if I were you now, I'd ask those helping councilling your children, if there was a way you could do a little service in a chapple or spiecial place , where they can say a good bye to their dad ... who although didn't deserve it, was I recon still loved by them ... and they have a right to say what's in their heart .. you don't need his family to know, coz it's just for you and them .. and the one good thing he did was give you those children .. so in looking for something positive... there it is ...

Please cut his family out of your families life now .. or they will drag you down , just like they have been doing .. at the end of the day , they want to hurt you all too ... don't let them .. I stops here .. your kids and you need a new start , together ... you cant change the past, but you can change the future ..

Now it's time to heal the hurt ... it's time time to move on emotionally...  if you don't get any money for them , you'll still manage ... they have something far more precious...YOU ... baby steps to getting past this nightmare ..an slowly , i wish you piece and laughter... my heart goes out to you and lil ones ..  now looking back, you can see you had a mountain to climb ... but your amazing bravery got you away from him and safety for your children ...  sendin you a vertual hug.... Chrissie...  

Thank you Chrissie for your kind words. I wish you strength and love for the future. This experience has made me realise even more that we just have to do what we can with the every minute e we have, to live, love and help our neighbours.

Take care, you sound like a remarkable woman.

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