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Feelings of guilt

MandyM74
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Hey everyone

I just wondered if anyone else who has a relative with cancer has extreme feelings of guilt when they try to do "normal" things? It's my mum that has recurrent/advanced bladder cancer, she's doing ok at the moment and in her 2nd cycle of chemo & she urges me to have some time to myself when I can.  But it's more about the fact that I don't even want to really go out or do anything - i usually do it to keep people happy. When I don't spend my weekends with her I just end up with anxiety about receiving a phone call that something's happened or she needs to go to hospital (this has happened a few times in the past).

So I guess I'm just wondering how other people cope in these situations. We don't know how long we have. It could be (hopefully) 1+ years so I know I can't put my life on hold for that long but I also don't want to miss out on precious moments with my mum.

It's such a horrible time as even special moments are tarnished with the thought of "my mum has terminal cancer how can I possibly be happy right now".

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just to get it off my chest but thanks for listening.

Mandy x

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    Hi Mandy,

     

    It's good to talk.  My mum has been diagnosed with terminal secondary liver cancer and I feel guilty I'm not there for her every second of the day. (Which is impossible). I have a husband and family, who at the moment seem to be coming second best, but when I do spend time with them, all I think about is mum.  It's only natural for us to feel like this, so we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves.  My mum has been stopped all treatment now and is refusing to eat, I feel guilty everyday that I leave her as this maybe the last time I do.  She also is getting confused and paranoid now and saying we don't love her, which breaks my heart as mum would never say those things.

    We are only human, and guilt is a natural emotion but you are definitely not alone.  Make lovely memories whilst you can.

    Jenny xxx

  • Offline in reply to Jen06

    Thank you so much for your reply Jenny. Yes it's an impossible situation isn't. I try every day to "keep going" & be as positive as I can be but at the end of the day you only lose your mum once and it's always going to be a traumatic experience. Unfortunately with cancer you can end up in this limbo for quite some time. 

    I hope things go as well as they can do for you. This forum is good for realising you're not alone which I find comforting especially when I can't sleep. 

    Take care

    mandy  

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    A friend of mine sent this to me.  She has no idea my struggles with myself over my daughter being diagnosed with Stage IV BC.

    If you're depressed, you're living in the past,

    If you're anxious, you're living in the future,

    If you are at peace, you are living in the present.

    I printed this and pasted it in every room in my house as a reminder.

    Judy

     

  • Offline in reply to pgjudy

    Hi Judy

    this is beautiful & so true. I have been trying lots of meditation and mindfulness lately and this fits very well with this.  I wrote this down one day in my diary and might get it made into a print:

    "don't spoil the beauty of today with the worries of tomorrow" 

    I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. Sending you best wishes & hope everything is ok right now (as that is all we can think of right now) 

    mandy 

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