Well this will probably be my last update here... My dad passed away holding my hand on exactly the same day he was diagnosed the year before. 

After the discovery of several tumours this summer, and although he was on oral chemo he began to change. First it was the things he would say, the confusion, the forgetfulness, the mood changes and then one day his legs just gave up. My mum and I had gone back to the UK for a few days to say goodbye to my grandad who passed away from vascular dementia. My brother was looking after my dad when he had a fall and from then just could not walk really and no control over his bowels. It was so quick it happened over a weekend, my brother was extremely worried and rung for the doctor, my dad  was taken into hospital and was put into a room in A&E and left there for 24 hours without seeing any of his doctors, we arrived the next day and managed to bring him home and have the hospital equipment set up at home. But still had not seen a doctor, we didn't know why my dad had has this downfall within days his face was droopy we thought he could have had a stroke or seizure and that caused the fall. We didn't know nothing.

So the hospital nurses visited everyday to care for him and administer his oral chemo he was still taking.. We tried and tried calling all of his doctors, the radiotherapy the chemo the GP just to have some clarification.. Finally they gave us a date for an MRI scan in three weeks time. Now three weeks seemed so far away, my dad was getting worse everyday. Our family were asking us so many questions and all we could tell them was we have to wait for the results of the scan... We waited and waited and the day of scan arrived. We were told an taxi / ambulance would arrive to collect my dad to transport him, as the hospital for this particular scan was about 45 minutes away and my dad had to be laid flat has he couldn't walk or sit up. We waited and waited for the ambulance. So I called and they told me they were so sorry they had forgotten. I was fuming, I rung the the scan hospital and told them what had happened she said the next available appointment would be in 15 days, my mum and me were in tears. We managed to move my dad using a wheelchair into our car with difficulty and drive him only to be stuck in the biggest road work traffic jam and by the time we had arrived they were closed. It was so uncomfortable for him.

The next morning i made a huge complaint to the taxi / ambulance department. And to our local GP, who managed to reschedule a scan appointment within a few days. By the time he had this scan he had stopped talking pretty much and would wave his arms around. Anyway, he had the scan we got the results with his chemo doctor  and he ripped us apart for allowing my dad to still be given oral chemo. I had no idea, I am 26 I don't know anything about cancer or chemo and the nurses from the chemotherapy hospital were administering them and their notes were available for this chemo doctor to see. He told us the chemotherapy could be adding to his behaviour changes and sickness. We were so angry we had been left to care for my dad without any information on what we should be doing or preparing ourselves for. 

He told us that day we should expect to see my dad with the same symptoms of a dementia patient. Seeing my grandad go through dementia it was so true, my dad became my grandad. Although he became more like a zombie towards the last two months. 

He would hold my hand, I would play all his favourite music, we would sing to him and bring the dog on his bed for a cuddle.. But even that stopped after a while and he slept more. We could no longer feed him and my mum took it hard as she knew that as soon as he stopped swallowing and eating, things wouldn't go on for long. He had lost so much weight it was absolutely terrifying to see. His face had changed, he had swollen parts on his face and his mouth was open and he suffered from dry mouth etc. It was awful, he had such difficulty swallowing any liquid that had been gelified to stop any coughing or choking and it going down the wrong hole.. I would sleep on the sofa by his bed and his coughing just got so much worse he didn't have strength to cough up what was sitting on his chest. They tried to use a suction but it was too far down. He was put on morphine and a relaxant.. His breathing was just so heartbreaking to see, we were by his side all day and then he took his last breath. Within 24 hours of the syringe driver in place. 

I have always had a fear of death. I cried and cried when I thought my dad would die, how would he die, what would he look like, would he be in pain, how will I react. It was peaceful but I was broken. I can't explain how I felt that night... But I suppose I feel like I'm in some sort of shock. I'm in a bubble of shock if that makes any sense. I have moments where a voice in my head is screaming and crying and I am completely silent and other moments I just can't cope. I truly feel half the person I was, I have changed over the past year, I feel angry I feel scared I feel lonely. 

I know it's a cliche but, tell your loved ones you love them talk about things. Say the things you feel and think, say it, no matter what is it just say all the things you want before it's too late. 

I love you dad x