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Christmas tiredness - stupid self pity

traceyc
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I am really struggling right now with the concept of Christmas. It’s irrational as Daryl is my husband who is doing well with his treatment for the cancer control. I know I should be relishing every moment- but I am so scared again of the future and my lovely husband and I  have been arguing about Christmas today and he has walked off and now  I just can’t stop crying and hating myself.  

We are hosting his entire family and he is in constant discussion with them and I feel it’s all out of control and is overwhelming me. I am struggling with the organisation as it seems to have become complex and also I want it just right as well and I want him to be happy but I expect he thinks he needs to do big gestures and I am concerned about the financial impact of it all. I have said this to him but this causes further tension and he does not want me to share this concern with his family. Hence forth using this site to try and focus my feelings.

 I feel as alone as I am sat here and I fear my emotions about fear and upset is driving through us negatively. He does feel helpless when I cry and I know this must hurt him as I know he hates seeing me upset and has said he can’t cope with this – he is always putting on a positive spin and my overwhelmed feeling and selfish self-pity is hard for him. It’s only because he is my entire life and soul mate and living another 25 years or so without him there seems to terrible to comprehend.

 I was doing so well in living in the moment but I have been unable to do this over the last few days. I am aware we have new puppy and Daryl and my past few months’ time cuddling and late mornings is no longer on our agenda and I feel tired. I do love the puppy but as we have got him as companionship for the future I am resenting the time he is taking from me and Daryl now – and let’s face it I want Daryl not the dog in the future.

Sorry I am sounding so ungrateful and negative but I am sinking. I hate myself for this self-pity. I am getting counselling but this is not really helping as yet. I am scared as I plan to go back to work after Christmas so may be this is why I am getting into a state about Christmas and it’s not really the preparation and the fact we have lots of family descending. I usually love the planning but this year I am struggling to decide on carrots or parsnips!!! ( I know both!!)

I am sure in a few hours I will feel ok – and I will wake my husband and ask to start the day again – but I just wish for a few days the pain and fear would go away and I could live for now again.

I do hope you all are having better days and I wish you and your loved ones all the best. I am thankful for the forum to letting me share these horrible feelings- I guess posting us therapy in itself.

 Please take care love Tracey xxx

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    Hi Tracey,

    Welcome to the Christmas Club! The one time of the year when even without cancer in the mixture you can guarantee family discord and misery.

    Christmas in our house has the constant "will this be his last Christmas?" hanging over us too. 

    I can't offer any sage advice, apart from to keep the menu as simple as you can and buy in M&S Christmas pud and brandy sauce (other brands are available!

    Cheers

    Dave

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    Hello Tracey,

    As you say coming to the forum to share these feelings and just writing things down is as you say therapy in itself and I hope you feel a little better now. Christmas can be a very emotional time when you have cancer or when you are looking after a loved one who is going through cancer treatment and it is normal for you to feel a bit overwhelmed by it all at the moment. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself when it comes to preparing the Christmas meal - I am sure everyone will understand things are not easy for you at the moment. As you suggested, if you are hesitating between carrots or parsnips, well they are both very nice and I am sure they will go down very well ;)

    A little puppy can be hard work - I bet he is very cute though! We have some very interesting information on coping with Christmas when you have Cancer which you can read here. It can help you understand how Daryl may be feeling at the moment and also gives tips for coping with Christmas which may be useful for Daryl and some of it may be relevant to you too. I do like the tip that says 'just do as much as you feel like doing' - I know you may feel under pressure at this time of year to do more, but try not to overdo it and to have as good a time as possible with Daryl and his family.

    I hope you will get to talk to others on this forum who have been in a similar position to you and that they can offer support and simply share their experience with you. We're all there for you anytime you need to talk!

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

     

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    Hi there Tracey, welcome to the forum, but so sorry to hear your husband has cancer. I have been where you are now, and now I'm the one with cancer, so I can see the situation you're in from both sides. Neither side is a great place to be. First of all, I believe you are trying too hard to do too much. Keep it simple. As far as trying to make everything perfect for Christmas; it won't work! You have enough going on without trying to do the impossible. Step back and take a big breath. Would you have the same expectation of your husband if the situation was reversed, i.e. if you were the one with cancer instead of him? If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to help him through this challenging time. Take one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other, rather than jumping in with both feet at the same time. Further to that, your husband is already under a great deal of stress in coping with his illness. You need to take care of yourself so as not to add to his stress.

    You say you are seeing a counsellor. You need to ask that person how to reduce your stress and then do what that person tells you to do. I know this is a hard time for you, but you will get through it and will be stronger on the other end.

    Take care and come back on here to let us know how you are and to get support for yourself from other members of the forum, so that both you and your husband come out of this okay on the other end.

    Sending hugs to both of you.

    Lorraine

  • Offline in reply to davek

    thanks Dave made me laugh your post - thank you needed to turn the frown the other way take care xx

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Lucie

    thanks Lucie helpful words and links thank you x

  • Offline in reply to LorraineD

    lorraine thank you and i wish you well at christmas too xxx

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