Personality changes

Hi I'm new to the site so I don't know if anyone will be able to help me or give me any advice but I really need to speak to someone who may know where I'm coming from.

my mum was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer of the bone in 2013, previous to this she had cancer in her whomb but had a historectomy and no other treatment.

after she was diagnosed in 2013 she had chemo, she was really ill the first time she had it but they reduced it and health wise (apart from the obvious) she was okay, after the chemo she was told she needed they aseptin (not sure on spelling) drug every 3 weeks for the rest of her life which she always has, she still goes to work and gets on with daily jobs, she helps with my son and life carries on as normal.

the thing I really need help and advice on is that my mum is a completely different person, I'm 25 and am an only child and still live at home, we've always had the best relationship, she was always so easy going and fun but the past few years have been hell living with her, she snaps for no reason, she's irritable all the time and it's not just with me it's everyone, it's as if she can't relax, she's constantly complaining she's tired yet when anyone tries to help with anything it's never done right, she makes so much fuss over the smallest thing and she turns the simplest of tasks into something stressful, I can't remember the last time we enjoyed a day out without her snapping or their being some kind of disagreement,  she says that I speak to her in a nasty tone or that my dad does but she doesn't realise it's her that is the snappy one, recently she's started to forget things aswel, like directions while she's driving the car to places she's been a million times, she'll ask me what lane she needs to be travelling in and when I tell her she starts getting really agitated and waving her arms around and shouting, I've tried lots of times to discuss this with her both calmly and whilst we've argued but she just ignores me or it's fine for a day and it's back to square 1 again, my dad works away Monday to Friday so most of the time it's just me, my boyfriend, mum and son but there's a constant atmosphere in the house including at the weekends when my dad is at home, I had such a good childhood and upbringing and I'm worried my son isn't going to have the same, there's never masses of shouting but a few weeks ago my mum and dad were away for the weekend and I told my son they were on their way back (he's 4) and he said "oh great that's the arguments starting again) I feel awful for my mum and what she's going through but I can't take any more of it, I work full time but even on my wage I can't afford the costs of moving out?so sorry for long post but I just don't know what to do anymore! 

  • Hi,

    Welcome to the forum. I hope you find the advice and support you need. 

    I get where you're coming from and also where your Mum is to a certain extent as I also have an advanced stage of cancer. 

    Maybe your Mum just needs some space, rather than having to share it with you, your son and your boyfriend? More and more children are staying at home with their parents way beyond what was normal a generation ago. It was highly unusual twenty years ago for anyone over the age of twenty to be still living with their parents. Soaring house prices and rents now prevent so many adults from moving on from their parent's home. To put this into context - my first house cost exactly twice my annual salary at the age of 21 and I was earning about an average wage. This causes a lot of frustration between parents who have looked forward for years to getting some freedom back when they become empty nesters and their offspring who feel trapped. Add grandchildren to the mix and things get yet more complicated. Parents (now also grandparents) are just expected to smile and make the best of a situation which isn't of their choosing, because that's what's expected.

    Your Mum's personality hasn't really changed but, unless you've suffered from advanced cancer yourself, you cannot understand the devastating impact it has both mentally and physically. Many of us find that the realisation that life is short and is likely to end soon, brings things into very sharp focus.

    Others may see this as us becoming intolerant or having a personality change, we tend to think that we're finally seeing things as they really are and we're no longer going to put up with things we don't like. Life is literally too short. No-one really discusses how the knowledge that your death is only weeks, months or a year or two away can become overwhelming.

    Many close family members live in denial and carry on with their lives as if they are unaware of the implications. This is their way of coping, but it can be incredibly frustrating for the person with cancer. My own Mum fought bowel, liver and breast cancer for several years and displayed many of the behaviours you have described when writing about your Mum. It could be annoying at times, but given the fear and pain she experienced it was understandable.

    The only useful advice I can give is to try to be tolerant of her behaviours, which I know from experience isn't easy. Try to give her some time alone if you can. Maybe arrange to stay the weekend with friends now and again to give her and your Dad some time alone together. Anything to ease the pressure on you all.

    Your Mum's behaviour is entirely normal and understandable for someone in her position and your concerns are just as normal and understandable.

    Whatever you do, try to create some new happy memories with your Mum especially for your son and yourself. We're all only human and having cancer in the family is never easy.

     

    Best wishes

    Dave

     

     

     

  • Hi Grace I cant add much to what Dave has said. Your mum has been through the worst trauma you can imagine and has put a brave face on it to spare your feelings. She is still working, looking after a home and helping to look after your son. Just doing any single one of those things is a massive effort for someone with cancer. She is absolutely worn out, no wonder she is snappy all the time. Plus both you and your mum need your own space. You really do have to make a big effort to get your own home, as a family you will be able to get help with your rent and council tax if you and your partner are on a low income. Contact your local housing department to find out how much. Maybe your mum and dad could lend you the deposit and first months rent. Hope you can work something out and get back your happy mum. Kim
  • Hi Cargrace, 

    It sounds like such a stressful situation you are going through. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. 

    As to your question, I would agree with the other posters. Is there a way that you would be able to find a place of your own? I only say this because although my dad is the one with an advanced stage of cancer, my mom and I have a very tense relationship sometimes. I moved out at the age of 20, and since I have moved out my mom and i have had a better realtionship. If we're near each other for too long, we start to fight. I don't have children myself, so I don't know the costs but is there a way for you to get help from the government? I'm 26 at the moment, and recently had to move back home when I came back from an exchange program, and just moved out this month again, but it was really tense for the 6 months I was back home. 

    I also understand that my parents need time for themselves, so they can talk about the things they need to talk about. Things that my dad wouldn't be entirely comfortable talking about when the kids are around. I hope some of this advice can help you. We're always here to chat! 

  • I'm new on here and I think I've joined looking for the same answers as you Cargrace :)  and just posted my own experience with my mother-in-law.
    https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cancer-chat/thread/how-does-cancer-influence-a-persons-character/personality

    I've never heard my MIL so much as raise her voice up until just over a year ago and her angry/raging outbursts have all been directed on her husband solely!  She had always been in good health, active and with a loving heart.  3 months ago she developed some flue like symptoms and suddenly (and I mean right before our very eyes) became jaundiced so we swiftly got her into the doctor and a week later diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

    Personally, I don't believe it is the emotional roller coaster ride of being diagnosed with cancer that has had such an adverse effect on her personality/temperament; I firmly believe it is the cancer creating this effect simply because it took root so long before she was ever diagnosed!  Just as women suffer pmt with their periods and mood swings/hot flushes going through the change, I think these mood swings in my MIL are due to the chemical imbalance brought on by the cancer.

    Unfortunately, I've no answers for you as we are still in the early stages of coming to terms with this and adapting to our new lifestyles.  Fortunately for my FIL, who has bared the brunt of her outbursts, he is in respite care for a few weeks as he suffers alzheimers along with diminished sight, hearing and mobility :/  Caring for them both has become quite a strain but these outbursts and mood swings don't help. :(