My wife was diagnosed with kidney cancer in 2010 and had an operation to remove it a few weeks later. For nealy a year scans were clear but then it returned.  A clinical trial was started early in 2012 but failed and she was then given Pazopanib starting in December 2102.  This has held the cancer stable ever since.  There are horrible side effects but essentially she knows that these are part of keeping her alive.

However our lives have been wrecked.  It has not been possible ever to think more than a few weeks or months ahead.  We live our lives from day to day.  It would be wrong to say we do not have a laugh or some fun any more - but the best is still tainted - and nothing can take it away.

My wife broke off all contact with all the friends we ever had and we moved to a totally new place as she cannot stand being reminded of her past and times when she was truly happy.  She found that she was having to comfort friends rather than be comforted by them so living in an "anonymous" area means she is just a person not the shell of one.

The difficult thing though is the response of our children - we have five.  They have shown token sympathy but since day one have preferred to move the conversation away from the big C whenever they can.  They would be the only ones my wife could really speak to and confide her feelings and fears with - but it is almost as if theyare just embarrassed.  Where is the rushing to visit us, to bring the grandchildren to visit; any form of commitment.  It is not as if we bore them with tales of woe - quite the opposite - we try to be positive and talk of thingswe can still do.  One thing I find incredible is that in six years not one person has thought to ask me how I am.  I know I am the lucky one - as if - but living day after day year after year with the person you love most in your life and fearing for the day when they leave you is not pleasant.

Are we the exception in all of this - we seem to be when we see other famiies running marathons and supporting cancer charities - as well as spending as much time as they can with their loved one.  Perhaps it is because it has gone on so long it has become "normal".  It is not normal for us.

I realise that for a first real post this comes across as totally negative - but I can go down the shops to chat with people for fake emotions.