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please help me

Dd74
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My mum was diagnosed 6 weeks ago with metastatic stomach cancer an has been given months to live . Im at the hospital from morning till night and give my mum any care I can an support , im the eldest of 6 , my brothers and sisters come most days when they finish work . My mum has on a fair few occasions asked me to tell her family and friends not too visit as she is too unwell .... this evening I left her sleeping as deeply as I've seen her sleep in the 9 weeks of her being so ill , her partner does the night shift .... I called him this evening to check mum , he told me her friend was there , I asked if she had spoke with my mum an he said no she just turned up .... Mum isn't herself an so was sitting up chatting with her "friend" , must of felt like she had too ses her .... im angry , im hurt people would be so selfish as to put her on the spot like that..... This sounds so stupid but when its time for my mum to go I want to be with her with my brothers and sisters , I don't want to have to grieve with people other than my family there , stupid I know but I'm so upset about it ive had a panic attack an started to think maybe I want to go away now ....away from my siblings , I even thought about not going to my mums funeral for fear of exploding an loosing control .... all these feelings have come from being pestered for people to visit .... I just hate them all right now

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    Hi,

    The names Dan & I have stage IV Bowel cancer - so far have been dealing with it with ease, but I feel exactly where you come from - certain people can be unbelievably selfish in times like these -and will only think of themselves - usually thus is what they are like all the time, but hardship amps up their self centered behaviours - my advice to you would be to lay down the law!! SCREW THEM! If they have such little respect for yourself & your mother believe me, you don't want them around - if it happens again "politely" export there *** out the way - this would relieve a lot of stress too...  He heee 

     

  • Offline in reply to DanNorth

    Thanks Dan , firstly I'm sorry that your living with this vile disease , your sense of humour an caring nature shine right through , I'm deeply touched you gave your time to reply to my selfish snivelling lol The problem is my mother I think , at the best of times ( even before cancer ) she has never had a problem expressing what she wants an needs , she stirs up arguments , lies and exaggerates when she is caught out , this is just pre cancer good old mum .She tells me to message her family and friends Telling them she feels too unwell, she tells me to answer her mobile calls an texts , which I of course do ... As gently as I can .....she sleeps as much as she can in the day when we are there ( her kids) . last night her "best friend" just walks in , an mum was sitting up all animated chatting too her .... I keep her mates/family up to date with tests/symptoms ect this particular friend I'd messaged the day b4 with an update an mums wishes .I'm pretty sure they think its me stopping them seeing my mum....I would love to wrap mum up an keep her all too ourselves but I'm just not that incensetive or selfish..... If my mum wants this then why the hell is she telling me to do different ?  

  • Offline in reply to Dd74

    Hi

    my mum is the same. She been in hospital now with non Hodgkin's lymphoma since the start of February and we've had everything from her not wanting to see anyone, and then when people stay away as she wants, I get "no one comes to see me, nobody cares" routine, where she tells the staff on the ward all sorts of stuff. We can't win either way. I just put it down to her way of coping with what's going on. She has a terrible fear of the unknown and we are having major issues with parts of her care which doesn't help, and now we are at the stage where we don't know whether to believe anything she says which is an awful feeling and is not how i want to remember her, if they end up telling us that this is it. 

    I think ultimately we just need to try and accommodate their requests and wishes to the best of our abilities. It may not be how we would want it, but I just cannot impose my wishes on her, if these are to be the last months I get with her. Do you think your mums friends could coordinate themselves to visit on just one or two particular days each week? That way you would not get any surprises with unexpected or unplanned visitors and you could get a little time to yourself which is as vitally important for your own well being. I have found that out the hard way, where I have made myself ill running around, being all things to all people but now I take a couple of evenings a week out of it and don't visit. Mum feels less guilty that way about all the time we spend with her and I retain a little sanity. Four months of constant visiting and worry takes its toll which is not good for anyone, and doesn't make my mums time in hospital any easier for her. 

    This is the hardest thing I have EVER had the deal with, and we've been through the same thing with my father in law through December 2015 and January this year but sadly he didn't make it through his cancer. These are only my thoughts and although they work for us, we are all different, but it could be worth a go. 

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep your chin up and don't have any regrets.

    Beth x

  • Offline in reply to Dd74

    Please don't apologise for venting, it is perfectly natural, sane and healthy for you to do so - I'm very lucky as 95% of my family are backing me with this in the best ways I could imagine - but there will always be that 5% - and you will find they don't just come in the form of family and friends but staff at hospitals, outsiders in general public who are to wrapped up in their own little lives to even acknowledge what you may be going through and this will test your nerves - regarding your mum it does sound you are fighting a fruitless battle, maybe try letting her give the news to friends & well wishers, make it a benine statement and say something along the lines of "it was great to see you interacting with friends, mum, have them up as much as you want if it does you good, anything I can do to expediate that or assist I'm here" I find with the people who get on my wick I put the ball in their court and then when they put obstacles in the way I just retort with simple facts such as they had the opportunity and turned it down, or did everything in their power to sabotage it - in some cases this can open their eyes a bit and they may become a bit more lenient  in others it just fans the flames of problems - it will be doubly hard as it is your mother, but at the same time that doesn't give her a free pass to treat you so badly when you are clearly very involved, and the way you come across here you are very devoted.

     

    Hey if all else fails - you can come look after me!! I love having people in my corner treating me like a V.I.P hah hahaha!!

     

    But if this is a place when you can vent in peace and hopefully ascertain some support & maybe advice at the same time then it works

     

    Best of luck 

    Dan!

  • Offline in reply to BFG321

    Hope she is nt in Bkackburn C7 as i thought my partner was lying and he turned out it was true.I know how u feel question the nurses for ex on what was eaten that day pain relief and if they've no answer then ni handover therfor no concern for patients 

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