Hi Jules,  hope you are well.  

Macmillan nurse did come and she is referring my son Will to Meercats, a group for children of ill parents through the hospice.  I think that will help enormously.  Felt rubbish yesterday, cried so much. Felt bad this morning too but pulled up my socks and dug deep. Ok 2 dogs ( one being a live wire lol) and a husband in a wheelchair for a walk.  Not the easiest thing ever but we did it.  Then went out for a bit too.  

Looking forward to my virtual cooker party But must tell Deano I want sausages on sticks too, and not rubbish sausages either.  Proper ones lol.  

We too have a new star for the tree if I ever manage to get it up.  It's a big old tree and heavy too but I'm sure we'll manage.  It'll be a strange Christmas, but I will try my best to make it good.  Even bought a Christmas t shirt, can't be doing jumpers, too hot.  

Oven in use as we speak, got some nice meat from the butchers.  Bit noisy haha but I like it.  

Well, take care and speak again soon I hope, hugs Mandy xx

Mandy I've just seen your request for good quality sausages on sticks. I've been to marks and Spencer's and bought their extra special cocktail sized Cumberland sausage lightly seasoned with black pepper. Was gonna nip to Harrods for some but had to go to work so didn't have time sorry. Keep your chin up hope this brought s smile to you X 

Hey Deano, yes indeed it did bring a smile to my face.  Posh sausages from M & S no less.  I found the ones from Harrods too salty, so I tend to buy them from John Lewis now, they do sausages did you know.  Now not being a fussy girl, I would like my extra special cocktail sized Cumberland sausages lightly seasoned with black pepper to be neither too hot or too cold but the perfect temperature. Now I realise timing may be an issue as I live way down south but I'm sure it's do-able.  And the cheese on those sticks? Not mild cheddar, good strong cheddar please .

Chris not so good today, I think the Dex makes him have the episodes I told you about.  Trying to think back as to how things were on different doses.  He is going fishing tomorrow with a friend, I don't think he's well enough but I get told off for following him and fussing over him all the time, so I'll just let him go and hope all goes well. He'll use a disabled swim to fish off and park next to it so it should be okay and his friend is sensible.  He's not allowed to drive obviously so his friend will. I think Chris finds that the hardest thing not being able to drive anymore.  Lost all his independence.  

Well if I think of any more party food I'll let you know. Sounds awesome so far. Kinda wish it was real haha.  Take care you, xx

Hi Mandy

Not doing too  bad thank you. 

Those 'posh sausages' sound rather tempting even when only virtual.   I am due to make vol au vents for Boxing Day (my son will not forgive me if they are missing off the buffet!!) - maybe I can 'teleport' some your way!!  We can have one big virtual party

I see from your post to Deano that Chris is due to go fishing with a buddy today.  This is something my hubby enjoyed and had to switch from sea fishing to freshwater/lake when his mobility/strength became tested.  He went several times with our son (using disabled bay too) and even though it was windy/cold (this was in March last year!!) he so enjoyed being able to do 'his thing' and I have wonderful photos of him smiling with his catch (now stored on computer).  Hope you  can find some me time/Will time whilst Chris is enjoying his break (mind you if you are anything like I was, I would go mad with the housework as difficult to do without disturbing them  - hubby would sleep a great deal on the medication).

Have been out and enjoyed a walk to local garden centre (excuse for festive coffee and cake at their cafe!!) plus visited local food and artisan fair locally,  before buying myself a gift  - little reindeer with planted primrose to place near the fireplace)  am now listening to a load of cds and trying to pick out music for Christmas Eve/Morning to keep me company before going out Christmas Day.  Rest assured you will manage the festive weekend somehow - was in the same position last year and you can always chat to us if you need to (my hubby knew I was on the forum and thought it a good idea but would not open up himself).

The new cooker sounds 'ace' and am imaging the delightful aromas you are producing.  Do take care and sending peace and hugs.  Jules x

As to the tree,mine is up (real one this year) but will need to chop it down piece by piece to move it back out ha ha) (plus a step ladder to reach the top).

Hi Mandy and Jules. Hope you both have had a good weekend. How did Chris fishing trip go. Hope he enjoyed it and was there a tale of the one that got away he he. I've had a busy weekend works outing Saturday and my brothers birthday yesterday. Was doing really well with keeping my emotions in check etc. Well until this morning was just in tesco getting wine etc for Christmas dinner table when all of a sudden I fill up and become an emotional wreck. Wether it's feeling of guilt as I've been out over the weekend or just the realisation Christmas is not gonna be the same ever again.  I don't know. Giving myself a good talking too to try and sort my head out but finding it difficult to. Had it confirmed last week my dads cancer has returned. We had suspected it for a while so after Christmas it's back to the radiotherapy unit where Ali had her treatment. So that is going to open a few old wounds probably. I accept my dad having it as he is in his seventies and not been in the best of health for a few years. He is an ex miner and suffers lung problems due to the coal dust. He has beat it once so hopefully will again.  Anyway sorry for going on a bit just needed to unload how I was feeling I think and you two are the only ones I feel understand   Thanks for listening take care X X

Hi Deano

Sorry to hear about your Dad and am not surprised your emotions caught up with you.  I cannot explain it either but it seems that just some of the so called 'normal stuff' hits a nerve and off we go.  You cannot be a brave soldier all the time and we have to accept the release we are offered.  Its hard though especially when you think you are 'managing well' and the time of year was always going to be emotional at times, I feel.. We would not have the grief if we had not have loved and in the better moments I do feel thankful to have been lucky enough to  have had hubby in my life.

I do recognise that guilty feeling as often when I am able to 'get on with it', it then hits home that I would prefer hubby to be  leading the way.  Hey ho, it is what it is and as I am nearing the anniversary of his death, I find I am more reflective but in equal measure I am also more tolerant.

I had quite a good weekend and had children and grandchildren pop in for a while yesterday (dropping off some of the heavy soft drinks in readiness for Christmas entertaining (Boxing Day).  My 7 year old grandson did give us 'lumps in the throat' when he asked if he could send a present to grandad by balloon (to reach to the stars where he believes grandad now resides) - shows the power of advertising  as very similar to the John Lewis ad!!! He then drew a Christmas picture for grandad (in case he can send that up too) so for now that is on my wall and will probably go into his memory box in due time. I do marvel at how the young see things. Two minutes later he was back to playing happily with his 2yr old  brother having no idea as to how the adults emotions were being tested!

Hope that your Dad copes well again with his treatment plan and come an offload anytime - sometimes it just helps to get it out and mutual understanding is how this forum works. Just try not to beat yourself up too much and your Dad will understand your own emotions as regarding re-visiting where Ali had her treatment as I am sure he misses her presence too. Take care. Jules 

Hi Deano,

I am so sorry about your dad.  I lost my dad to lung cancer in 2002. He was 67.  But to go back to the radiotherapy unit so soon must be daunting.  I can't imagine how it will make you feel.  But I am sending you lots of strength and support.  You've sent me plenty in the last month.  

Well Chris did go fishing and actually caught a fish! Not a big one and not his favourite species but a fish no less.  He just sat there basically but at least he did it.  I had melt down Saturday and so my brother came and sat and talked to me.  I just couldn't stop crying.  He then helped me get the Xmas tree out the loft and even put the lights on it for me.  So I am now festive, and it looks pretty good this year.  

Please try not to feel guilty, I am sure Ali would want you to be happy and more at peace.  It doesn't mean you miss her any less, or love her any less.  Sadly life does go on and you have to live.  A good line I heard once in a Harry Potter film shortly after my dad died and I was missing him so much "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live". I wanted him back so much I was stopping myself doing stuff. I wasn't living in his memory.  I always tell myself I am my father's daughter and that gives me strength and the ability to fight on. And no you're right, Christmas will never be the same again, nothing will.  From the moment the Dr utters that word, nothing is ever the same again. But that doesn't mean that there is not good things ahead for you.  Things will be different but still can be good, and enjoyable.  You have a good family support network by the sounds of it.  You will have bad days, bad moments.  So ride them til the good days and good moments come around again.

Well, all my presents wrapped, tree up, collecting turkey and ham () on Wednesday.  Got to ice cake, mustn't forget haha.  Got to get new frock for my virtual cooker party. Thinking sparkle, do like sparkle lol.

On a serious note, Chris is full of fluid, think due to steroids.  I have a suspicion he'll be back in hospital soon, for IV diuretics to get ride of this fluid.  He fell yesterday, I tried to stop him but failed. We're due to see consultant on Wednesday  so see what he says. He really is struggling at the moment.  So upsetting.

Well, off to bed now, didn't realise so late.

Take lots of care my friend, xxx

Hi Deano

Am sporting a Christmas jumper with Xmas Pud on it (last visit to gym was very seasonal!!).  As to the vol au vents you had best let me know  your virtual requirements so I can make sure the filling suits!! Currently on the list are prawn, egg mayo and tuna!!

You have a nice break from work and am sure you will manage to fill it.  I have my usual three day break so no different.

Yes, not being able to 'make a difference' to the terminal diagnosis we travelled for nearly three years was the hardest and most frustrating period of my life.  It was like a deep physical pain.  Nearly a year has passed and the good memories are helping me cope better now though I do not doubt that emotions will always be tested (usually when I least expect it).  Hubby would want me to make the most of what I have left so I try to be strong in his memory and am lucky to have a close and supportive network of family plus a couple of great friends. Mutual support is a great help.

My normal day off today so have been cramming in as much prep as I can and have visited my Mum taking family gifts to the care home in readiness for Christmas Day and also had my last visit to the gym until next week.  I expect the next two days at the shop will continue to be manic but being only part time is a help. Take care. Jules x

Hi Deano and Jules,  

Just a quick note to wish you both a good Christmas.  I hope there are many happy moments among the reflective ones.  I shall think of you both, Merry Christmas my forum bubbles