Dear Sara, 

I am so so sorry to hear your very sad news. I just wanted to respond to say I know what an awful time you are going through. I lost my dad to bowel cancer 7 months ago (I am 33 years old). I understand what you mean when you say it seems like everyone else is getting on with their lives, when yours is crumbling around you. However, despite all the desperate worry and emotion, our bodies do find the strength from somewhere to cope and you will too. 

There is not much advice I can give you, except just be there for your mum when you can.  I wrote my dad a letter saying how much he meant to me and recalling happy childhood memories etc and I feel that this has helped me to cope knowing that he knew how I felt. 

It sounds like you have a supportive family around you and hopefully the wedding will give you all a happy focus and something to aim for. 

You really will find the strength to cope even though right now it seems such an unimaginable and massive thing to deal with. 

This forum is such a good place to keep in touch with people who really understand.

I will be thinking of you lots. Please keep in touch. Take care. 

Love Emma xx

Dear Sara, 

I am so so sorry to hear your very sad news. I just wanted to respond to say I know what an awful time you are going through. I lost my dad to bowel cancer 7 months ago (I am 33 years old). I understand what you mean when you say it seems like everyone else is getting on with their lives, when yours is crumbling around you. However, despite all the desperate worry and emotion, our bodies do find the strength from somewhere to cope and you will too. 

There is not much advice I can give you, except just be there for your mum when you can.  I wrote my dad a letter saying how much he meant to me and recalling happy childhood memories etc and I feel that this has helped me to cope knowing that he knew how I felt. 

It sounds like you have a supportive family around you and hopefully the wedding will give you all a happy focus and something to aim for. 

You really will find the strength to cope even though right now it seems such an unimaginable and massive thing to deal with. 

This forum is such a good place to keep in touch with people who really understand.

I will be thinking of you lots. Please keep in touch. Take care. 

Love Emma xx

Hi Emma

Thanks so much for getting in touch with me. It does sound like you have a similar situation :(how long was your dad ill for?  how are you feeling 7 months on? is your mum around?

I actually did a similar thing for my mum a few weeks ago while she was in hospital i gave her a lovely card and wrote in it i wanted to make sure she knows how i feel about her, it was hard for her to read and hard for me to write. I was in tears.

The wedding is 10 days away now and i pray to god she makes it, it is her dying wish although she is getting worse every day. I will be happy if she sees at least one of us girls get married even if it is not myself. I dont feel like i will cope, i have never been to a funeral and i cant accept the fact that one day i will never see her again, never hear her voice, never see her face i just find that hard to understand?

Do you have a supportive family around you? how do you feel about things now?

Look forward to hearing back from you. Sara xx

Hi Sara, 

Thank you for your reply. I am glad that you gave your mum a card, they are very difficult to write and read but I really feel looking back on it now that I am so glad I had the chance to say how I felt. I am sure your mum was very touched by it. 

My dad survived about 2 years after diagnosis, although he had symptons for a very long time before hand, he was typically stubborn and no matter how hard we all tried to get him to go to the doctors, he just refused until it was too advanced. That said however, the original plan was to cure him, but after treatment it continued to spread (liver and lungs in his case).

My mum is still with us and I have an older sister. We are very close and that has helped so much. I live about an hour from my mum but my sister is currently living with her.  Both of us are not married and I do feel very sad that my dad will not be there on those special occasions. I really hope that your mum gets to share such a happy occasion and although it sounds silly, the oncologist told my dad that staying positive really does help and I am sure that went on longer with a fighting spirit and positive attitude. 

Everything you say I can totally agree with, I felt just the same, the thought of losing a parent is just so awful and I too felt like I would never cope, or want to continue or even feel like myself ever again. But 7 months on and although I miss my dad still terribly and he is always not too far from my thoughts, you do start to feel more normal again, you just learn to live your life in a slightly different way. My mum, my sister and I laugh about the good times and still cry over the sad times. We keep ourselves busy by going for lunch or days out when we are altogether and we do find ourselves gradually enjoying life again.We look at photos lots and video clips of him, it is still hard but I enjoy the memories we have. I also feel grateful that we had time with him and could be there lots in his last few weeks. I often find myself saying, "oh dad would have said that or he would have laughed at this" etc and I feel that talking about him, somehow keeps him with us. 

I also couldn't imagine going to my dad's funeral, but I think we put ourselves in a 'different zone' to get through it and we did and despite how awfully tough it was we actually enjoyed meeting up with family and friends to talk about dad and remember his life. I can honestly say the day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But don't worry about any of that, enjoy being with your mum in the here and now.

I am not a confident person or one that has ever been strong with anything in life before my dad's illness, but in times like this it is amazing where we do get our strength from and I promise you, although it is a tough old journey, you will be ok. But equally you shouldn't worry about crying, shouting anything to cope with what you are going through. Talking to others also helps and like you I talked to my boyfriend lots, but again as supportive and lovely as he was, I dont think he really understood the amount of stress and worry and sadness that I felt. 

My heart goes out to you. Keep the wedding as a really happy target for you all to get to. Keep talking to your mum about happy things and enjoy being together. 

Keep in touch, I will be thinking of you lots. 

Big hugs 

Emma xxx

Hi emma

thank you for your wonderful reply you sound like an amazing person and im sure your dad was lucky to have you.  It's so nice to speak with people who totally understand! Your message made me smile. How is your mum now? Did it bring you all closer together? Was your boyfriend able to support you afterwards? I'm very scared of pushing mine away or being  nasty to him after, I just don't know how I will react? Do you feel like you have become a different person because of your loss? Thanks so much for all your messages they mean so much to me.  Sara xx

Hi Sara = you have so many wonderful replies. All I want to add is prayers for you all. I do well know how aweful it is and difficult it is to cope. 

I am so happy you have a good relationship  = lets hope Mum makes it to the wedding and she enjoy it. 

All the best to your brave mum and to you all = I think you are all amazing

steven xxx

Dear Sara,

Thank you so much for your very kind words, especially when you are going through such an awful time. I think you are amazing person too and likewise your mum must be very proud of you.

I hope you are as ok as you can be today and that your family is coping, how are your sisters/mums husband/your dad getting on?

I think losing my dad has made my family and I closer, I think I realised just how precious loved ones are. My mum is ok thank you, obviously she misses him terribly but she is keeping herself busy with friends and is planning on making improvements to the house etc and I have been so amazed with how she has coped. My boyfriend was very supportive, he is not an emotional one and doesn't overly like to talk about feelings etc, but he was very understanding in his own way! I think I was quite hard work for him at times and I think with all the stress I probably was a bit nasty too and maybe did push him away a little as I had so many other things going on in head! I am sure your boyfriend will be there for you and understand that you will be finding things difficult. I don't think anyone really knows how we will react, we just have to go with the flow really.

Before my dad died I felt that I would become a different person after he had gone. I think for the first few weeks/months initially afterwards I felt dumb and in disbelief, I also felt guilty aswell as jealous of others who still have both of their parents and it is a really tough journey. But very gradually I have started to feel more like me again (but I still have 'wobbles!').  Although a masssive part of my life has changed, I think we start to find a 'new normal'. I think work, friends and my boyfriend have all helped in that too. There is no time scale for grief and it is a bit of a rollercoaster and will be for a long time. Sometimes it is good to start a new hobby/interest that can occupy your mind in a different way. It may sound silly but I do still feel like my dad is still with us, not in a religious way, but keeping him in our thoughts and relating everyday things to him, keeps his memory alive. Remember that you will always have a part of your mum with you, it is in your memories, in the way she has brought you up and made you the person that you are today. She will be there in that way for the rest of your life and nothing can change that.

This forum is amazing, full of wonderful people, I haven't often posted on here, but I read it frequently and I really think it helps knowing that you are not alone and that others have been through/going through the same thing.

Nobody can be prepared for having to deal with this, but you are not alone.

Are you having to busy yourself with last minute wedding preperations? Are you a bridesmaid?

I hope you have a restful weekend, remember you need to look after yourself too.

Lots of love.

Emma xx

Hi Steven

Thank you for your kind words they mean a lot to me, hope to chat to you soon.

Saraxx

Hi Steven

Thankyou for your lovely words they mean alot to me.

Take care

Sarax

Our hearts are open to you Sara = its truly dreadful - I know = but there is goodness in it somehow = a bit of light in your darkness. 

xxxxx take good care and we will keep you in our hearts

steven

Hi Emma

Sorry about the late reply i typed a long reply this morning and my lap top crashed and i lost it all!

How are you?im glad loosing your dad made your family closer that is a really good thing i hope it is the same for my family when my mum passes, i do speak to my sister more often now and that makes me happy.Im also glad ur boyfriend was so good how long have you been together? ive been with mine 3 years in June, did you do anything for valentines?

I think when it does happen i will feel hugely guilty! i already do, i feel like i havent been there enough for my mum and i dont feel like i have done all i can i think i always knew she had the cancer but i didnt think she would ever die from it? i always thought she would get better! as things like this dont happen to me. So i was indenial, so yes i do feel guilty now and i will feel 100% worse when she is gone. I also think i will feel much worse seeing those who have 2 parents and it doesnt help with mothers day coming up soon.I really like your idea about a new hobby, what did you take up?

2nd reply other response should be above?

When i read your latest post it made my cry, but kind of happy tears because of what you said about your mum being a huge part of you, i feel the same i look exactly like my mum and i have all her manerisms and i will always be like that no matter what that will never change.Thank you for saying im not alone that really means a lot to me you are very sweet. I am a bridesmaid yes i have never been before, i feel like i cant get excited about the wedding with all this going on, its such a shame. I havent really helped my siter with anything she has done it all herself she kind of likes it like that.

Hope you had a good wknd. Hope to hear from you soon. xx