Just to let you all know been told she has only a matter of weeks left

Hi Candy

Sorry I am only getting back to you now.  My hours at work have all been changed.  I am so sorry to hear the update on your mum Candy and my heart goes out to you and your family. You are all in my prayers.  Sometimes you wonder why but suppose we have to hold on to the power of prayer don't we.  I have asked myself that many times.

It is going to be a tough few weeks for you all.

I read you are worried about work.  Just explain to your employer what the consultant has told you and if he/she has any compassion they will understand fully how you feel.

Spend as much time as you can with your mum Candy because nobody knows the hold this cruel evil disease has on people.

Don't be worrying about having to reply Candy because I know you have enough to cope with at the moment.  I will be checking in to see how you are coping.

Constantly in my thoughts Candy

Take care and look after yourself (hugs)

Mickied

Hi Candy,

I don't think you are wrong at all for being at work, after all we hope that your Mum will be around for as long as possible and if your workplace is not as lenient as where your sister works then you have no alternative.  If you think your sister is having a dig at you then maybe just talk to her quietly as it may just seem that way.  She is after all as upset as you I have no doubt and so may be projecting a little of her anger and frustration onto you without realizing it.  Do you have a close relationship with her?

It's strange that you say your Mum laughs at herself when she talks nonsense which is great for you both because when Dad found it hard to communicate he would get very frustrated.

To go back to the work topic you have to try and find a balance between what you feel is right for you and what is practical.  I have no doubt your Mum would be upset with you if you put your job at risk when they are so hard to come by as it is.  If you are seeing her every day after work or evenings then I really wouldn't give it a second thought.

Garf.xxx

Hi Candy,

Sorry to but in on your conversation with Garf but I was reading your post and felt I had to comment about your work dilemma.  Cancer affects not only the patient but all who love them and it is very important that those caring still keep some balance to their lives, otherwise I think we wouldn't be able to carry on. My parents both died of cancer very quickly from diagnosis last year both within 5 months of each other; I work part-time and I took some time off during their illness but also went to work too.  For me it was a coping mechanism; work offered me some normality and kept me sane to face the things that lay ahead. You have to do what is right for you and it sounds to me that you are supporting your Mum very well.  Also nobody can ever really tell when it is the end, not even the professionals.  When my Mum died I knew we were coming to the end, but the question "how long" nobody could answer.  The fact was that she went into a hospice (who were wonderful) and even the Doctors there couldn't say. I stayed all day and left in the evening after they had told me they would start a new drug the following morning; then in the early hours I got a call to say she had passed away.  So what I'm trying to say to you is that you can only do your best, and you have to be kind to yourself and accept that you are doing your best.  Thinking of you.  Hope23 x

Hi Garf!

Thanks, i think im just worrying myself over it! Of course id like to spend all my time with her but sadly i have to keep the money coming in or the bills will pile up..I did say to her but she said she isn't having digs so who knows... Also my mum gets very tired if people are there all day and night, so me being at work does give her a bit of a break as well. Gives her a bit of rest in between and then i go vist from about 5 until 9 or earlier than 5 if i can get there...

I think she laughs it off so not to get annoyed or frustrated like you say.. Or maybe not to show us that she is ?

I find myself coping better if i keep my routine. And i dont want to be taking time off when its not 100% needed, whereas when i do need it off i can say look i came in and did my hours when most people would've taken it off so i am entitled to this time off now.. I will figure it out i guess

xxxx

Hi Hope

Don't be silly your more than welcome to have your input !

I do remember speaking to you before when i posted back in August about my mum, i remember your story well. Your right i do feel like i need to keep some balance and normallity otherwise i feel like i will go crazy thinking about when she is going to die. I like to come in to work, keep busy during the day and go visit her straight from my work. I am usually there by 5 at the latest. Which is only a couple of hours after visiting time really begins so i dont feel i am doing anything wrong by continuing my work. I feel i am doing the right thing by me & my boss, when i do need the time off at least it will look like i did make the effort to come in and work when i could've said i need time off

Your right i know the doctors cant give an exact time but the change in days and weeks were being told is confusing..Im sorry to hear that your mum passed away so quickly. Especially when they were going to try a new drug

How did you cope with such a big loss?

xxxx

Dear Candy,

Hun you can only do things as you think best both for yourself and others.

You take care of yourself so that you can be there for your Mum when she needs you.

hugs

Annabel. xx

Hi Candy,

I'm glad that you are coping the best you can and are able to visit your Mum often.  As I said ,you have to do what you think is right and it is important to strike a balance.  You asked how I coped with such a big loss, the answer is I really don't know.  It was very hard especially as I am an only child.  My Dad died 3 weeks after diagnosis in March and my Mum died 9 weeks after diagnosis in August.  I won't lie, the pain was and still is at times undescribable, but time has eased the severity of the pain a little.  Although it felt like my world had ended I am lucky to have a hubby and 2 wonderful sons to support me and they gave me a reason to look to the future.

There is no easy way to lose somebody we love and grief is such a roller-coaster of emotions.  I fully remember the time I joined this site and the pain I was feeling going through what you are currently experiencing so if I can offer help to anybody on here I am glad to.  I hope you get many more weeks to spend with your Mum, and by doing everything you can to keep yourself going hopefully it will be quality time that you spend together.  Wishing you strength going forward.  Hope xx

Hi Candy,

There really isn't much more that I can add to what Annabel and Hope have already said except that I too don't really know how I coped at the time and now almost two years later it is still difficult although losing Dad was the biggest loss in a series of losses that happened over a fairly short period of time and I still have problems I am trying to cope with so my grief timescale is probably not a good example.  What I think I'm trying to say is that Hope is right and that time does take the sting out of the pain especially with family around to support you and to receive support too.  Sorry Candy I don't think I have explained myself very well.

When the time comes you will grieve in your own way and in your own time and we will be here for you throughout.

I hope you have a good visit with your Mum and my thoughts are with you but you may not hear from me now until Sunday as I have to go to Birmingham for a big work do and will be away from a computer.

Take good care Candy.

Garf. xxx

Hi Candy

Hope you are are coping OK.  As you say Candy the bills still keep arriving and continuiing on at work tries to keep some normality in your life for the time being.  It helps if there is someone with your mum both during the day and at night.  You were saying your sister stays with her during the day and you call in after work - you must be exhausted Candy.  I hope you are getting some sleep at night but more than likely you're not.  I have been thinking about you all week and only got to check in today to see if there has been any further news.

Look after yourself Candy and keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.  Don't be worrying about an individual reply you have enough to deal with and your mum is your no. 1 priority.

Mickied

Hi everyone

Sorry I haven't had the time to reply to you all! Will just write a quick reply to you all

My mum is still with us and seems to be making such a big improvement. Of course I know she isn't going to be cured but nice to see her eating a lot and being bright and happy. Still been going to work and going to the hospice after work. Yes Mickied you are right I am pretty exhausted from it all finding myself so tired all the time but I'm not complaining. Had to take a night off recently as I was very sick and didn't want to pass it on.

Sorry for such a short reply I am just about to go to bed for an early night

Take care everyone xxx

Hi Candy,

Don't worry about apologising for a short reply; you and your mother has to be the main priority. So pleased to hear she is improving and hope this continues. Make the most of these times Candy for the memories will help in the future. Our mother are made of stern stuff and at times it make you wonder where they get their reserves of energy from. They can be right down one day and next day they bounce right back. You do however have to take care of yourself though Candy, for the strain that this evil disease puts on all of us takes it's toll both emotionally and physically. You need to stay strong for what is to come.

Wishing you and your mother all the best, Brian

Hi Candy,

Don't worry about apologising for a short reply; you and your mother has to be the main priority. So pleased to hear she is improving and hope this continues. Make the most of these times Candy for the memories will help in the future. Our mother are made of stern stuff and at times it make you wonder where they get their reserves of energy from. They can be right down one day and next day they bounce right back. You do however have to take care of yourself though Candy, for the strain that this evil disease puts on all of us takes it's toll both emotionally and physically. You need to stay strong for what is to come.

Wishing you and your mother all the best, Brian

Hi there Candy,

I am so pleased that yourt Mum seems to be doing so well since she went into the hospice although I am sorry you have been ill yourself recently.

I hope you slept well after your early night and that your Mum is still feeling good when you see her later.  As brian has said you must take care of yourself and keep your strength up and whenever you feel a slight lack of it we will see if we can pick you back up again.

Wishing you the best Candy,

Garf. x

Hi Brian! How have you been?

Yeah its amazing to see her transformation from what she was like in hospital to how she is now.. Just shows you what good care can do for people! And she seems to have more of an appetite at the hospice.. But i guess this is down to them actually making sure patients actually eat, whereas at the hospital they were just bringing her the food and leaving her to it. Most of the time she was in too much pain to eat! The more i think about it the more i get annoyed at the care she received at the hospital.. Thinking of making a complaint against them!

Your right it is draining dealing with all of it, but whenever i feel like its getting to me i just tell myself i can get through it and that how i feel is nothing compared to how my mum must feel. So i am plodding along for now and trying to  stay positive and make the most of the time i have left with her

xxxx

Hi Garf, how are you?

Yeah its great to see her now, looking so much better! Like i said to Brian it is mostly down to the care she is receiving! They have eased up on the pain medication and stopped giving it to her by a pump in her arm and she is now being given them in tablet form. And she is eating a lot more which is good! Seems to be hungry a lot more often now.. Guess cause she isnt in as much pain!

Yeah unfortunately i hadnt been feeling well recently. But got a good night sleep last night and am feeling much better today! Hopefully a quick day in work then off to visit!

How did you work night go?

xxx

Hi Candy,

Apart from some of us being left on the street in the freezing cold waiting for a coach that never turned up the evening went pretty well.  The hotel I work at won one award and we were nominated for three others which out of a group of over sixty hotels is not bad going.  We were pleased anyway and so are the others at work now that we have had a chance to tell them.

How was your Mum last night?  Does she have anymore hair do's or pampering to look forward to?

Garf. xx

Hi Candy,

I am very well, thank you for asking. Hospice's are very good at controlling pain and this must have made such a difference to your mother. The fact she that she is eating better now also has a bearing on how she is feeling. I hope this continues. With regard to you continuing working, I think you are doing exactly the right thing. I too had to work when my mother was in hospital/ hospice and like you helped to take my mine off her suffering if only for a short while.

Sending best wishes to you both, Brian.

Hi Garf! Oh dear that isn't very good! How did you all get home!! Oh congratulations that's amazing :)!

She was good, a little tired but we caught up on some soaps and had a look through some of my childhood photos and had a laugh at them! The hairdresser was due round either today or tomorrow my mum couldn't remember for sure which day, so hopefully she will have had a nice wash and blowdry! I painted her nails the other week so they are still ok not needing re done just yet!

I am feeling a little sad today not sure why! Maybe cause I am tired and having a rubbish day at work !

Are you upto much over the weekend?

xx

Afternoon Brian, that's good I'm glad you are well!

Yeah it's amazing the difference proper treatment can make to a person!

I find it easier keeping routine and coming to work for now. And although I'd love to be at the hospice all the time I don't feel I need time off just now since she is doing ok and would rather keep my time for when it's really needed. She has loads of visitors during the day anyway my aunt and her friends etc so she's never alone.. Although sometimes I think she finds all the visitors a bit much and it tires her out.

Feeling a bit down today.. Must be having an off day lol

xxx

Hi Candy,

Sorry to hear you are feeling a little sad although that is to be expected sometimes especially if you are having a bad day at work.  That plus being tired in general is bound to make you feel low occasionally.  Maybe we could start a "having a bad day at work" club together as I have had a couple of difficult days in my job too.  At least my boss from head office is coming down for a visit in three weeks which means a meal and a few drinks so I am looking forward to that.

I am hoping to get a round of golf in this weekend but this hideous weather we are having to put up with may put an end to those plans.  Whatever happens I can guarantee that I will be sharing a small part of the weekend with my good friend Mr Boddingtons.  He doesn't talk much but is good company none-the-less.

I hope you can have a good weekend yourself but whatever happens try and find some time to relax and wind down.  Maybe watch a favourite film or listen to some music.  Whatever you can do it is important to charge your batteries.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Garf. xx

Hi again Garf

Awk I am feeling ok now , think it was just me being tired and having a long day at work. Visited mum tonight and she wasn't so good, they think she has taken a dip, back on painkillers via pump in her am and she was very sleepy so I only stayed a few hours and left her to get an early night, she looks so frail and thin laying there, breaks my heart everytime I see her! Yes I am all for creating this club, I'm sure people would be queueing up to join! That's good that will give you something to look forward to and give yourself a wee break

Oh dear are you in amongst all these floods and storms? I see them on the news but luckily up in scotland we aren't so bad.. Yet! This weekend I have a night out with my friends.. Well I hope anyway! I feel bad going out but I will be going to visit after work as usual and up the next day.. I guess I can't put the rest of my life on hold.. Just not sure I will enjoy myself but I shall try

xxxx

Hi Candy

Sorry for only getting back to you now.  Pity you couldn't finish work a few hours before you are supposed to just to give yourself a wee break - time to wind down a bit.

I always found music helped me to wind down but everyone is different.  I see you are from Scotland across the way from me in a wee town called Belfast.

I read your mum has taken another dip in her wellbeing but remember Candy she is in the best place and they can't do enough for the patients in the hospices so she is in very good hands.

I know it may reassure you but it must be so hard looking at her almost feeling helpless.

Still in my thoughts and prayers Candy and I will keep checking in to see how you are doing.

Mickied