Hi Brian

The small bowl looks great and am thinking that as Mrs B has the two small ones, the larger dish must be holding all those nuts you managed to get from your Nut shop!.  Its wonderful that you can 'turn' so much 'unwanted wood' into useful and decorative pieces - a real art in recycling.

Our daughter and family popped in on Saturday and the eldest grandson was straight out into the garden for a kick around and then we played board games and completed the inevitable jigsaw.  Little Zack happy to watch all that was going on and we had 'dug out' the 'first Thomas railway'  and they played with it together though the eldest still considers it his toy.  I am booked for babysitting in early October as the eldest is being taken to see local theatre performance of 'Seussical'.  He is very excited as loves Dr Seuss books.   I also went for my walk on Sunday which, as usual, took in the local Artisan/Farmers' Market.  It was a beautiful day and just a shame that hubby preferred to stay indoors.  Still, today he is being taken fishing by our son and is looking forward to it (though he is just gone back to sleep and has yet to have his breakfast.  Will give him half hour, then give him a nudge.    Its a lovely day here and have packed a 'litle bag of goodies' in the hope he will enjoy the day enough to share lunch (our son will probably have enough to feed an army (only three of them going!!) but then there are no facilities on site).

Hope Mrs B does not get too exhausted by all her appointments - its amazing how often they all seem to come at once and then it quietens down again.Best make sure that all your outings take you past the infamous 'nutty' outlet to keep your stamina up.

Have a peaceful and relaxing day and thanks for keeping me company on our journey so far.  Best wishes to you both and hope the rest of the family are keeping ok.Jules x

Hi Jules and Susananne,

Just a quick message to let you both know Beryl has posted last night under My Very Sad Loss. It good to have her come back

Take care both of you, will post more soon, Brian.

Thanks for the info Brian - have popped a post on Beryl's thread - good to see her name appear again. Jules x

Hi all

Just needed a small moan in frustration so apologies in advance.  Hubby had a good full day out with our son on Tuesday but was understandably very tired yesterday. This is not helped by once again his saying he is not hungry and I felt bad because I asked him about dinner last night, he said he would have it and then ate a couple of mouthfuls and pushed it away.Of course I then fold him he needed to eat as it seemed like he was starving himself (why of why did I open my mouth)    He is fading away in front of my eyes and I feel helpless to stop it.  His GP feels he is 'not trying' as he is 'lucky' to be in reasonable general health and we have appointment with her together next Tuesday and really do not know how to approach it.  In two and a half years since diagnosis and he has told the GP I am coping amazingly - what will she think of me - that I have no feelings.  This illness is not about me. He must be suffering terribly (though he never complains and says he is pain free!) but will not allow me to comfort him in any way and following a couple of really bad  nights I am going to work today feeling totally forlorn that I feel so useless.

To end on something a little more positive our daughter is holding a MacMillan Coffee morning on Friday(has so far around 50 due to call throughout) and I get to give support  to a worthwhile cause.

Hope all my forum buddies have a good day - I am off to work and feel guilty that I am 'escaping' - hey ho.  Jules  

Oh Jules Of course you should offer hubby food ,its the right thing to do and you do so much to encourage him ,you are doing a brilliant job not made easy by hubbys depression ..I hope you get help from your GP next week you must somehow get everything of your chest  I so wish hubby would accept help and take the advice it must be so hard for you ..I was lucky I suppose Tony was the easiest lovely caring man to care for and accepted all the help and advice given without complaint bless him so made our journey a little easier ..It is so hard watching the man you love going through the awful desease and you are realy doing all you can to make things good for hubby .. Dont feel guilty about work  you need the time out and as long as hubby is reasonably well and you are happy to go try to enjoy the time out  ...The weather is beautiful today and 20 degs I am looking my sons dog a jack russel called Freddie after Freddie Mecury  my son dosnt like leaving him alone all day while he is working so Rusty Freddie and I all went for a walk this morning I only look after him 2 days a week andmy daughter has him 3 days he is well behaved and Rusty has known him since he was a puppy so I dont mind ..Take care Jules and I hope you both have a nice weekend ...Susananne x

Dear Jules,  I was so sad to read your post as it is evident that you are feeling very sad yourself.  I totally sympathise in your efforts to try to encourage hubby to eat; it was the same with my Mum; at times I felt so frustrated that she didn't seem to want to try, and it felt that she was giving up.  Looking back I don't think she was, I think she was doing all she could to try to manage to eat and I'm sure hubby is doing the same.  But please don't beat yourself up for as you say "opening your mouth", it is a completely natural reaction, when we see somebody we love fading we want to do everything we can to help except in fact we feel helpless; we cannot eat for them so all we can do is try to encourage and when that doesn't seem to work well we are left frustrated.  All of your feelings are because you love hubby, so pleae don't feel bad.  I will PM you soon, but meanwhile take care and be assured you are doing your very best.  Hope xx

Hi Jules,

As Brian says, no need to apologise here.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so forlorn. 'Useless'  is certainly not an adjective anyone would use, to describe you. You are an amazingly supportive person, but I can understand that you may feel this way at the moment.

Your hubby's GP certainly won't think you have no feelings - she will be experienced enough (and know your hubby well enough) to know that you have tailored the way you are dealing with your hubby's illness, to meet the needs of your hubby - he doesn't wish to talk about his illness, so you respect this.

You say that this illness is not about you - maybe not the physical aspects of the illness, but the psychological effects of this b***y disease affect all those around the sufferer, so in many ways, it is about you, too.

I hope Tuesday's appointment really helps you both to find some solutions to this current situation.

Don't feel guilty about 'escaping' to work. Everyone of us needs to take ourselves away from a stressful situation for a while to enable us to process, think and recharge.

Take care, lovely lady. I hope your daughter's Macmillan coffee morning goes well (and that you get to enjoy some cake and cuddles with Zack.)

Sending hugs to you and your hubby, Jo xx

Good morning Jules,

Sorry I missed this post of yours yesterday as I was out all day and not back until the evening.

I am sorry to see you were feeling so low yesterday.

You are a most caring person and have no reason to apologise or berate yourself.

Your forum buddies know exactly what kind of person you are.

It must be very worrying and waring to watch your husband fading away in front of you when all you want to do is build him up and look after him and love him.

His response is also difficult for you but also for him.

This journey has no doubt changed both of you as you have gone along.

One thing for sure is that you are not useless.

I hope you and your daughter have a great time with the coffee morning and great success.

Sending many supportive forum buddy hugs

Annabel xx.

Hi Everyone

Thanks for all your supportive replies.  Seems some days everything hits home more than others!!  I am just having to get used to the fact that I cannot change what is happening (and that it's not my cooking bearing in mind the takeaway he got for himself on his return from his day out also ended up being composted!!).  The change in brand for his morphine medication does not appear to have changed his reactions/fatigue or vivid dreaming.  I lugged home two carrier bags full of Fortsips shakes on Thursday and he has had 1 so far though he had fruit and custard for dinner last night.  I am continuing to offer food little and often and though it feels like I am nagging (I am at a loss as to what else to do), he shows no anger so suppose thats good.  He did go out yesterday afternoon to get some cash(and a haircut (again had to be prompted) and then again last night with his mate so  a little plus moment.  His manner has all the things I connect to depression (which he is on tablets for).  Whilst he was out yesterday afternoon his specialist palliative nurse rang to arrange an appointment and I did have a short conversation with her and we are both in agreement that he has taken not being able to work really badly and this seems to be the reason behind him not being interested in anything.  At least she is aware of it and will be calling in soon.  Will have to see what the appointment with the GP next week.

Our daughter's coffee morning went really well and so far has raised near £190 (she still has raffle ticket books to sell) for MacMillan.  Not only did she have her table covered with wonderul home made cakes (she had  been busy all the previous day and had been up since 5 am with Zack who is teething!) but people also brought others goodies.  Needless to say I came home with cake too - her home made coffee cake and ouy son's girlfriend's chocolate cake were soooooooooooo  good (could take a week or two to get back to 'being good'.

Hope everyone is keeping okay and once again thanks for your support - not sure where I would be  now without having my forum buddies to chat to (plus our daughter who continues to be a  godsend even though the whole situation is terribly emotive for us all.)  One thing is for sure is, that during this enforced Cancer journey you realise who your real friends/family are

Brian

Hope you have a lovely time at the 'Wood' Event and that Mrs B is recovering from all her various appointments this past week.

Susannane

Lovely that we are continuing to have good weather so that you and the dogs can enjoy those Cornish walks (I have so many wonderful memories of that part of the world as we spent many a holiday in the area (my old Manager now runs a B&B in Mevagissey and we were there 4yrs ago for a visit).

Annabel

Hope all is well with you and you have been able to enjoy some time on the seat that used to be your parents.  Is your season slowing a little now that the children have returned to school.  Hope little Ava gave Nanny some big cuddles when you visited.  Its only a couple of weeks or so now till Zack's 1st birthday and he is now walking round the furniture and has begun to crawl backwards!!

Jo

How are you doing?  Hope the puppy is keeping you company and that work is not too demanding.

Hope

Thanks again for your Pm - I will update again once have been to GP (still feeling a bit nervous about this but will adopt 'stiff upper lip' and try and take it all in).

Wishing you all a peaceful weekend (I feel the need for coffee and cake break though my waistline will not benefit.

Heartfelt thanks to you all once again for just  being 'you' - virtual buddies 'rock'.  Hugs to all  Jules xxx