Morning Jules,

Was just wondering how you got on when you visited your Mum this week, and also how your daughter got on at hospital?  I do hope things are not too stressful for you and that you can try and have a relaxing weekend.

I'm waiting for my eldest to come home, he has spent somewhat of Freshers sleeping on fellow pupils floors after social events - latest was a toga party last night!  I'm off to my counsellor this morning, had originally been thinking I wouldn't need to see her for too much longer but have been so emotional this week so will talk things over with her.

The weather is forecast to be nice this weekend but is looking a bit gloomy at present.  Here's hoping it brightens up and the sun shines on us all.  Take care  Hope x

Hi Hope

Hope you visit to the counsellor was helpful and its good for you to be able to talk things through and this should last as long as you need it.

I have just returned from visiting Mum and she was ok though I am sure a little concerned at how long she will be able to stay where she.  She has amazed the staff at how forthright she was when social worker 'interviewed' her and they are left in no doubt as to what she wants. All the care staff came to see me whilst I was visiting to make sure I was okay too - very sweet.  I stayed until she was due to go into lunch and we even managed a bit of a laugh when I showed her latest photos of her great grandson.  He has really enjoyed his first week in Reception and keeps telling his mum that his teacher is the most beautiful one in the school!!

Hubby and I picked him up from school on Friday as my daughter had to return to hospital for a second day of tests and monitoring.  Specialist blood tests with regard to her liver function have been sent off and unless she hears otherwise she returns to clinic next Friday.  The last set of bloods were borderline but all readings for the baby were good.  If the new blood tests show certain 'rises' she may have to be taken in and possibly induced (she is now 37 weeks and would probably welcome is being over and done with!!).  Anyway so far so good.  I have an overnight bag ready and waiting and she has several friends on standby to get her to the hospital if her hubby is at work.  Mind you she is still driving herself at present!!

When we met our grandson at school (its only 10mins to his home) he told Grandad that he could meet us there as it was healthier to walk!!!  My hubby's face was a picture as he drove off and I walked the little tyke home!!

Life's stresses seem to come and go but having the forum to offload certainly helped me to see things in perspective this week though I think my mood swings are more due to hormones than current circumstances.

Sounds like your eldest having a great time during Freshers but will no doubt be looking forward to some home cooking.  Have a great weekend with the family and will catch up again soon.  All the best and look after yourself. Jules xx

Morning Brian

Well, I took your advice and had a peaceful NewYears Eve -we both fell asleep in front of the tv and it was approaching 1 a.m.when we wished each other Happy New Year!!  Will have to save my 'tipple'until after work today!!

Am sure you are right about your wife's worries regarding her brother.Thankfully you know her too well to let her bottle it for too long and it would of course be  best for her to share the emotional rollercoaster the family once again finds itself on.   She would have been your great support during your own fight and perhaps its having seen what you had to go through that in some ways 'she knows only too well' what her brother now faces. Hopefully she can also be reminded of the good recovery you have made and I wish you all well.Do keep us up to date on how he is doing.  Have been meaning to ask how your Dad and your Canadian spur of the family are doing too?

Hope the weather lets up a bit today; the roads round our way are littered with small branches and lots of our neighbours fences will need repairing/replacing.  It was a clear night and there were a few fireworks (before I fell asleep) but on the whole it seemed pretty low key.

Happy New Year - Wishing you good health and happiness in 2014.  Jules xx

To all my virtual friends I would like to wish you and your loved ones all the very best for the New Year and onwards through 2014.  Jules xxx

Morning Jules,

Thanks for your kind words. I spoke to my dad over Christmas and he seems quite perky. Hes has been told by his doctor that he has got over his bladder infection and is hopeful they will soon re-sheshedual his hip operation as he is only able to walk with the aid of a cane these days and is in constant pain while doing so. I spoke to my sister in Canada and she is keeping very busy as she has been doing a lot of home improvements.

I am back on to my story writing now and have five stories on the go at the moment. My computer seems to have sorted itself out, touch wood. As I write this the rain is still falling quite heavily and it's almost at the point of having to put the lights on.

I saw a question someone asked on facebook:- What do pickled onions, sprouts and New Years eve all have in common, the asnwer was fireworks.

Take care Jules, and I hope this year is a better one for you, your husband and family. Hope you dont get to wet on your way home from work.

Thanks again for all the support you have give me, Brian

Hello Brian,

Just want to take a quick oppotunity here to say Happy New Year to you and Mrs B.

I also hope unlike our red squirrels that your nuts are not frozen. !!!!!!!!!! LOL.

Hugs

Annabel.xx

Hi Annabel,

Thank your as I wish the same to you and your family. I have got some nuts which are frozen but I bought them from Waitrose as frozen chestnuts!!!!!!!!

Do take care and thanks for the friendship you have extended to me and others during the pasy year, Brian.

Hi Jules, Happy New Year. Have just returned from Spain where the weather was a lot better than here! Hope you havent been hit too hard by the wind and floods. Thanks so much for your kind words, I'm sure in time the pain of my grief will gradually ease, just difficult when it does jump up at me. Going away was good, the day before I went I didnt think I would even be able to go out New Year, but in fact had a relaxing day in sunshine and a drink in the evening. Hope your New Years eve went well and that you didnt work too hard New Years day. How was your Mum when you visited? Its good that the home make a big effort for the residents to enjoy the festivities. I hope 2014 will bring you some special times, some happiness and much love. I know everybody on here has difficult times one way and I just hope that we can all continue to support each other through 2014 .Hope xx

Hi Hope

I am wishing I was somewhere warm and dry!!  Thankfully we have not been too badly hit so far (just branches and fence panels littering a few streets round here) though our dustbin did take flight and end up down the road last night!!  Dodged the showers this morning and got the washing down.  Just waiting for hubby to take me to do the weekly shop (he napping at present as has cough following on from his Christmas cold) which he still insists on doing (I worry its too much for him but only he knows how he really feels so am being guided by him (advising him to stay indoors or call doc was met with icy stare!!).

We did not venture out for New Year (have not done so for several years now) so it was very quiet.  Working onNew Years Day was fine though not very busy.Managed to do the jobs its been hard to do over the festivities and now trying to get back to normal routines/staffing (only 4 in for New Year).Glad you were able to escape the hustle and bustle and enjoy some family relaxation time.  No doubt your sons are getting ready to return to their studies.   Our elder grandson goes back on Monday and has been doing a little homework each day this week in readiness.  I am having baby Zack for a couple of hours tomorrow as my daughter and son in law are going to pick up replacement car (for the one scrapped just before Christmas) andmy Hubby is driving them to collect it.

All the very best for 2014 and look forward to virtually chatting.  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

I hope you have not been affected by the weather. Quite unexpectedly, Mrs B told me she wanted to chat about her brothers cancer, and we were able to have a long chat where she told me she had been very concerned for him. I hope I have been able to calm her fears by assuring her there are several options regarding treatment. Since then she has thankfully been more her old self.

As I type this I have been watching the news and have to say I do feel so sorry for those whose homes have been flooded.

I did manage to get two more packs of chestnuts yesterday so have about a weeks supply left before I have to resort to my frozen ones.

I do hope your husbands cough is getting better and he is okay when driving your daughter to get her replacement car.

Take care and I wish you a peaceful but enjoyable weekend, Brian.

Hi Brian

Being kept indoors by rotten weather again = grrrrrr!!

So good that your wife was able to discuss her brothers situation openly with you - its all about timing and when you feel its right to discuss things. Funnily enough hubby was in that kind of mood when he finally got up this morning and for the first time in ages was able to talk (albeit for just a few moments) about how he is currently feeling (thankfully no worse despite having cough lingering after Christmas cold). His GP has put forward a possible change to how he takes his pain relief (when the current prescription is finished) but it looks as though his next consultation with the hospital oncologist will take place first so he will discuss it with them further before changing.  More of an issue at present is how much he is able to eat before he feels full (less than my grandson at times) which makes mealtimes  harder to plan but I have now told him he needs to be honest with me about what and how much he would like so that I can adjust accordingly. Fingers crossed this helps.

Have spent some time this morning getting lounge back to pre-Christmas 'normal' and is looks so much less cluttered so feeling pretty pleased thats out of the way.  No luck at the bingo last night but just a nice social chat with my friend (plus a glass of wine and slice of Christmas cake - yummy).  Our 'boys' enjoyed a trip the their local and we were home by 10.30.

Hope you and your wife enjoy a peaceful weekend and you are not suffering from 'writers cramp' with all the stories on the go. Take care Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Well the weather here continues to be awful eh!  Have just returned from the cemetery where the wind seemed even stronger.  Am waiting for youngest to return from football training no doubt looking like a drown rat!  Eldest going back tomorrow ready for Uni Mon, has still been studying during the holidays - no peace for medial students!  Glad your work wasn't too busy on New Years Day, hope hubby is OK and that you enjoy your time with Zack today. Hope x

Hi Brian,  Happy New Year to you, have been reading through some of your posts and am so glad that Mrs B spoke to you about her anxieties before you had to force the issue.  In my experience it's never good to bottle things up, although I know many do choose that way.  I just end up exploding anyway so much better to share feelings. I'm sure she feels much better now having talked things through with you, and  I do hope your brother-in-law gets speedy treatment.  Wishing you health and happiness for 2014.  Hope x

Hi Jules,

Well the weather here continues to be awful eh!  Have just returned from the cemetery where the wind seemed even stronger.  Am waiting for youngest to return from football training no doubt looking like a drown rat!  Eldest going back tomorrow ready for Uni Mon, has still been studying during the holidays - no peace for medial students!  Glad your work wasn't too busy on New Years Day, hope hubby is OK and that you enjoy your time with Zack today. Hope x

Hi Brian,  Happy New Year to you, have been reading through some of your posts and am so glad that Mrs B spoke to you about her anxieties before you had to force the issue.  In my experience it's never good to bottle things up, although I know many do choose that way.  I just end up exploding anyway so much better to share feelings. I'm sure she feels much better now having talked things through with you, and  I do hope your brother-in-law gets speedy treatment.  Wishing you health and happiness for 2014.  Hope x

Hi Hope,

Well the morning started bright and frosty and it was a real pleasure to see the sun for a change!  Hubby did not show his face downstairs until 11 by which time it was clouding over and now its pouring again.  Hubby is a bit low just now and has been struggling with cold and cough since Christmas but suggestions by me to get checked out falling in deaf ears as usual.  He is spending longer in bed and sleeping more and more during the day so suspect there are changes ahead when we see his consultant at end of themonth (at least he does not opt to miss those appointments and I get to know whats going on!).

Yesterday afternoon went okay and our daughter and family now have a family car again. In the end I was only babysitting for just about 2hrs but he was fine, fed, changed and dozing when they returned.  Of course when it came to the time for us to have our fish and chips for dinner he was not amused and let us know he had a good pair of lungs.  I read him a story which quietened him down for long enough for the rest of the family to eat undisturbed and then had mine afterwards.  I remember well (even though its many moons ago) what its like to eat cold meals!!  Once he had his evening feed at 6 he soon nodded off and then they went home so that eldest could be in bed for 7.30 (extra half hour as it was Saturday).

Hope you enjoying a peaceful weekend and will chat again soon.  Jules xx

Hi Hope,

Happy new year to you too. I can understand it being very emotional going back to your parents house with all the memories it must hold for you. All I can say is to try and remember the good times you shared with them there but it's easier said than done. Like many others I am pleased in some ways that Christmas is done and dusted for another year and life can get back to some sort of normality. I've not know which day is which recently so hope this week we can resume our normal routine.

Do take care and look forward to talking again soon, Brian.

Hi Jules,

Sorry to hear hubby is low at the moment, it must be so difficult for you unyet you always seem to remain so calm.  I do hope things improve in the coming days.  I am back to work tomorrow so back to some sort of normality, whatever that is now. I'm trying to be positive for the New Year but afraid I am still having my very sad moments.  Took eldest back to Uni tonight in the torrential rain!  Do hope the weather improves a bit soon - still at least no snow yet.  Glad your daughter now has a car, always essential when there are little ones to transport about.  Typical that Zack waited until your teatime to show off his lung capacity - mind you I'm sure you can forgive him for anything, babies have that ability!  Hope you have a good week and that hubby's cold and cough improve.  Hope x

Hi Brian,

Thanks for your post.  I'm trying to be positive for New Year and I always remember the wise words you have told me on my time on this site.  I do have treasured memories for which I am grateful, unfortunately in turn they do also make me sad at times but I know that things will ease in time.  Well Christmas and New Year are done and I hope that 2014 begins well for you and Mrs B.  So glad to read that she is much more back to her normal self after your talk.  Take care.  Hope x

Morning Hope

Just wanted to wish you all the best with the return to work following your Christmas break.  Being busy with 'normal life' gives us all something to keep our minds on and helping the next generation is a very worthwhile cause. I returned to my part time work last week and the festivities seem  a distant memory already.

I am doing my best to keep as calm as I can (my insides do churn a great deal)  I of course worry about what the future journey holds, my Dad's best legacy to me was to remind me that worrying about something you have no control over just wastes energy.  He dealt with his own illness with so much dignity and strength and I find that helps me now (though to be fair we have not yet faced a major crisis when I will probably be in bits!). Emotional upsets tend to take me unawares (almost like they build without my realising it) and often its the happy memories we are making that will suddenly remind me of what the family will ultimately lose.  In truth, I never really know how I am going to react to a given situation and most of my stressful times seem to revolve around not coping with everyday things which once upon a time I took in my stride.  This forum has enabled me to talk through so many aspects of our cancer journey that I never feel I am coping alone and day to day life will continue whatever happens to me personally (and my Dad always told me that his life was a privelege after he survived the war when so many of his pals fell) and I feel so very lucky to have our children/grandchildren to help fill my head with the good things in life.  As hubby spends so much more time sleeping(this is apparently his way of not dealing with his enforced retirement according to the chat with his doctor) my house has never been tidied so much and I do find it hard watching him unable to enjoy things around him  whilst he still could be. Frustration is my biggest enemy (and my biggest guilt) but then moaning about it does not solve the problem so its onwards and upwards.

Take care Hope and remember our emotional outbursts are, as Brian has always said so well, our safety valve. Sending you hugs for a peaceful (though no doubt busy) week..  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Thanks for your post.  Returning to work today was actually a positive for me; as you so rightly say doing "normal" things keeps my mind busy and makes me feel relatively "normal" again (whatever normal is now).  Your Dad's advice certainly was sound advice, we all probably waste too much time worrying over things that we  have no control over, I could really do with taking a leaf out of the Buddist way of thinking which is to live for the moment.  Usually we are so busy worrying about what has happened or what might happen that we forget we are living this moment now.  Listen to me getting all philosophical now!!  Anyway I hope you are coping OK, Brian is quite right about our emotional outbursts being a safety valve, I always feel better after a good cry once I have got to the point of bursting!  Thank goodness for this forum eh.  Take care and wishing you a good week ahead.  Hope x

Hi Hope

Thanks for chatting once again.  It does help to know there are others on the forum that understand because of their own life experiences.  'Coping' is a word that seems to be the new 'normal' and personally feel thats all I do day to day.  My most frustrating times are usually because I am trying to 'read' hubby rather than actually than him 'sharing'.  Yesterday was one of those days and I feel so selfish for wanting it to be different (even though Iknow it cant be).  It was not helped by me slipping on the stairs (trying to avoid switching on the light and missed last two steps!!) at 6 in the morning as  I got up early to go do the launderette (wanted to get it done before visiting Mum). Now sporting  'black and blue' leg/arm/back so a bit stiff!!  Carried on regardless, got back did ironing and was just about to setoff for visit to Mum as hubby got up so got his breakfast first.  Got half way to home when the heavens opened so waited for bus and arrived a bit earlier than normal. Sadly Mum was not really wanting company and after usual hello it was a one way conversation for around 40mins. I feel really sorry for her but know she is being looked after which is my main concern.  After that I spent virtually the whole day in silence at home as hubby slept through a lot of it except amazingly when an old fishing buddy phoned.  He chatted away to him and I learnt that apparently he feels 'much the same' since they last spoke early last year!!!I also learnt that the physio was very pleased with the progress made and he has now been discharged from this area unless he feels the need to go back.  His conversation with his 'once a year' catch up friend left me feeling strangely lonely and out of sorts.I think this is because I can see a completely different picture of my other half in front of me but dont know how to tackle the frustration that it brings.  When I comment about things I get a grunt if I am lucky.  This cancer journey throws up so many questions but having to cope is the only answer there is. 

Sorry this is a miserable ramble (put it down to one of those days!!).  Off to work soon so had best get on with things.

Take care Hope and sending hugs your way.  Jules xx  

Dear Jules,

You sound so low today.  Firstly let me start by saying I really hope you are feeling OK after slipping on the stairs. These things are so easy to do and can cause us a lot of injury; at the very least I expect you are a little shook up which in turn will make however you are feeling even worse.  I can imagine that it was difficult to listen to hubby being more upbeat on the phone with his friend than he is with you.  Trouble is we are always more likely to show how we really feel to our closest, even if that means him not speaking because he is feeling bad.  When friends call we always feel we have to make more effor; it must be very hard for you and I do sympathise.  It is only natural to feel frustrated and even angry, but try not to.  I know I used to sometimes get frustrated with things my Mum did and now she is gone I feel quite bad about certain things; nothing very much and I know we are only human and can't always have the patience of a saint, but what I'm trying to say is "hang on in there" the feelings of frustration will pass and be taken over by love.  Also sorry that your Mum wasn't really wanting company either, that must make you feel worse.  I know like me you are an only child and sometimes that makes us very vulnerable to feeling alone.  I hope you had an OK day at work today and that you can find something to make you a little happier - just think of your wonderful grandsons, that is sure to make you smile.  Take care Jules and speak soon.  Hope x

Thanks so much for responding Hope. In the light of day (it was still dark when I ranted this morning) my moaning sounds awful but you are right, the fall not only hurt (big bruises to prove it)  but got my day off to a rotten start and then it just seemed everything was magnified.  Did not mean to sound sorry for myself but you know how it is when you feel you are stuck in every decreasing circles.  Anyhow, managed to get through my shift at work and bought myself a new umbrella (wind took its toll on the last one!!).  Hubby had his lunch order ready when I got in so we have now eaten and I am sitting down till dinner needs to be readied!!

Tonight my daughter has a BodyShop party (sale night) she is hostessing so I am going to drag myself round there and spend a bit of my Christmas money (it will go further with the sale being on).  The grandchildren will be in bed but you are right about making us smile (oh to be young again!!).The eldest was really pleased to be back at school and moving onto learning more 'three letter' phonics (he is now helping to read his bedtime stories when he recognised words he knows).Baby is thriving and starting to go longer at night.  Am looking after him for a while on Friday morning as daughter has to take the eldest one for hearing test in a 'quiet room' so having a baby with her would not work!!

Thanks for talking some sense into me, I know you are right in all that you say but we would not be human if it got to us from time to time. Hope being back at work is going okay - its good to keep busy and cuts out that thinking time.

Look after yourself. Jules xx

Big hug Jules ... xxx