Hi Jules

I am so sorry to read what you are going through where has the humanity gone within our country, you only have one mother and in our life time we try to do the very best for our parents only to come up against social service panels who make these decisions have they not got parents themselves I am absolutlry horrified at the way the are treating you and your mum do they also not know about the turmoil you are having, ie hubby's illness can you not talk to you local MP.  The way you have been treated is absolutely horrendous, is this the future for many elderly people who cannot defend themselves.

What can I say my love only take it one step at a time.

I am thinking of you lovely Jules

Take cafe darling

Beryl xxxxx

Thanks for  your very kind words Beryl.  Life is certainly not meant to be straightforward these days!!  Having said that the positiveness of my Mum took us all by surprise given her recent moods so as they say there is life in the old dog yet. Not certain what the future holds regarding her Care so one day at a time is the only way to go for now.  The government view is that everyone should be looked after in 'own home' environment' with full residential care being a last resort and they do not feel Mum's needs require the current level of 'residency' at such a high cost. In the next breath they say its now about the money.  Hey ho.  By the way they are fully aware of our home situation and even offered us extra help (not required at present) - hard to understand their way of thinking but it does all come down to rules, regulations, guidelines, tick boxes etc etc.  Will visit Mum probably tomorrow now as thats my next day off and am sure it will be an interesting conversation if she is in the right mood.  Having spoken to her care team she is doing okay - stronger in  mind than in body perhaps!!

Hope you are managing the  day to day mantra we are all trying to cope by. Sending virtual hugs. Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Lovely to hear from you, and as others have said, you sound a little brighter (not that every sounded down, but quite stressed and worried).  I guess it goes to show that even if the outcome is not what you wanted, maybe the fact that things are a little more resolved has lifted some of the stress, I certainly hope so.  I do hope your visit to Mum went well.  I know it is a Mum's role (my Mum would always put everyone else first) but it does sound like you are kept very busy by your family, and I am sure you love doing it, but do remember to listen to the doctor and take care of yourself.  But loving the additional benefits of the healthier diet in terms of dress size.  Hope you are pleased with your purchases and good for you for treating yourself.

Things are ok here - I've not written on here for a while as have been feeling pretty low the last week or so.  I had a very bad time last weekend, after a visit by my dad and family - very hard to explain but it upset me being with them and Mum not being here, and I've not really been able to shake myself out  of this.  I feel worse than I have since Mum first died, and am questioning if I will ever feel truly happy again.  I know time is the only thing, but I've got into a bad way of thinking about it all, and am cross with myself as was starting to make some progress.  You were very kind to ask about Dad's cat in an earlier message, sadly he has not come back - yet, we are still trying to think positively.  but one of the other things I have been struggling with is worrying that my Dad is lonely - he has company a lot during the day, but with winter approaching, I worry about him going home to an empty house, and the fact that his cat has gone just makes this seem so much worse.

As we say, and others on here, I take so much comfort from time with my husband and daughter, but this last week, have struggled to hide my feelings in front of them, and have been breaking down in tears a lot.  My husband has always said that I should not try to rush feeling better, that it will happen as and when it does, so he is always prepared to deal with the blips along the way, but I worry that eventually he will not know what to say to me anymore.

Sorry, I didn't mean to turn this into an outpouring, so will try to be a bit more positive.  I did manage to have a bit of mum and daughter time with Elizabeth this weekend, she is absolutely mad on 'The Wheels on the Bus' so I thought I would put my creative skills to the test and make her a toy bus (just cardboard and lots of plastic pots very Blue Peter style in case you are picturing anything too impressive).  So when the sun made a small appearence yesterday, we put on our painting clothes and had a lovely time getting covered in red paint and glue!

I hope things are going ok for your daughter, I had not picked up before that there were perhaps some complications with her pregnancy, so really do hope all is well, and it sounds like she is being well looked after - both medically and by her Mum!  A lovely idea to get gifts for your grandson, it must be so exciting but also so confusing for little ones when another baby comes along that needs so much of the attention.  But he has a lovely family around him and this will make it so much easier for him.

Do take care and stay in touch,

Catherine x

P.S. sorry again for the rambling outpouring above, but know you will understand.

Hi Catherine

Never need to apologise for rambling on here and much better out than storing it inside.  Your husband is so right that you cannot rush how you would want to feel.  You are perfectly normal daughter who is missing her Mum (both her presence and probably supportive words too).  When I lost my Dad I worried more about  my Mum than my loss, as my Dad was 'ready to let go of life' if that makes sense and I suppose I expected that after nearly 60 years of marriage my Mum would not be able to cope.  Well she has proved me wrong somewhat in that the only reason she is not coping now is  because of the fall that started it all about 18 months ago.  My Dad would have been very proud of her and I am too though we have never enjoyed a close bond (probably due to her long history of mental bi-polar illness but have no intention of bothering with past history as you cannot change what has been).

It is lovely that you managed to see Dad and family and please do not beat yourself up about feeling down because all your memories of your paprents will be as a 'twosome' and its hard to see the survivor alone and wishing things could be different.  Have you told your Dad how you feel?  Has he admitted he feels lonely or do you feel his is hiding his real feelings (no doubt you are both busy protecting each other).  Such a shame about the cat and maybe in time, if the puss does not return, he may want another but sometimes they need time to accept the life now.  My Mum bought a budgie but decided it was too much bother and found it another good home.  So much depends on personal feelings and what is right for one is not necessarily right for all.

Most of all, Elizabeth will love Mummy come what may - children are very reslilient when so young. My hubby's Dad never saw our children but we still used to visit the memory rose bush and explained thats where their other grandad lived and my daughter has passed this on to our grandson who talks very matter of factly about the relatives who are no longer with us and he is not 5  till November.  Just remember, memories cannot ever be taken away from you and emotional fallout (especially crying) is very natural.  Now you can accuse me of having a ramble in return.

I am so grateful we have this forum to share our thoughts whether they  be good or bad because there is always someone like you and many others who really understand.

Well my hubby is dozing on and off and is planning to go to work tomorrow and the time has come for me to stop nattering and start preparing dinner so for now just keep chatting when you feel its needed and take care of you!!  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

My computer came home last night but husband kept me busy. have been working today and haven't had much time to catch up. So will be back tomoroow afternoon to catch up with everybody's posts and have a chat. 2 unusual( I thought) names of my grandaughter. Ava Isabel.  Evidently Ava is 9th most popular this year!!!!!! I am not up with these things. Definately grandmotherly!!!!

Hope you and all your family are good right now and chat tomorrow.

best

Annabel. xx

Morning Annabel

Pretty names for your new grandaughter and hope Mum and baby are continuing to do well.  Have come across a few new'Isabel's' this year but only one Ava (nice and easy for the little one to write in years to come.

Mum has another meeting with the social services later today so watch this space to see whether I am  , or.or just still in limbo!!

Hubby a bit sniffly but is off to work today having had a four day break.

Nice to see  you back and chat again later.   Jules xx

Sorry Jules,

With 7 male guests/friends arriving today didn't get a chance to come on line and chat. Tomorrow I am out all day and out for dinner in the evening. Thursday will probably be my best time to really catch up with you. I am glad to see your daughters last bloods were okay. I have been summoned to meet my grandaughter next Monday. I will be coming back on the Thursday as I have an appointment with my GP on the Friday, but a few days away will be like a little holiday.

Speak soon, on Thursday Annabel. xx

Hi Annabel

No apologies needed.  Keeping busy helps the time pass so it wont be long before you see your new granddaughter, Ava. Bet you cant wait for that first cuddle. Chat again soon. Jules x

Hi Jules,

Can't bellieve how much time has passed again since I last wrote.  I will write a longer reply soon, but just wanted to say thank you as always for your kind words, they really do always make me feel better and help me think about things differently.

Dad and I have said we will bth need to be more open with each other about how we are feeling, and not hold back because we are worried about upsetting the other one.  My brother is not such a 'talker' but I know he would happily listen to both of us if we needed it.

I've been thinking about your daughter as well, and the imminent birth of her new child, and your new grandchild, and hoping all goes well there.  Do let us know the news!

LIke I say, just a short message for now as work is calling, but I just wanted to get in touch,

Wishing you all the best,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

Thanks for your kind words. As always support works both ways which is why you, like so many others on the forum, both give and receive comfort from the words that flow.  I am pleased that you and your Dad can now begin the journey of 'talking openly'.  In  both your heads you really know that you are there for each other and whether its spoken out loud or not love has a way of getting through. Worrying about a lone parent is something I have been doing for over 5 years which now that Mum is in care, seems to give me some respite from the 'worrying' side because  know she is not alone (even though her mental illness throws us some rocky moments as she still wishes she could join Dad).  I went to visit her yesterday and filled her in with the family news for the last week and had to deal with the comment ' dont you wish you were dead so you did not have to face what you have at home' - referring to my hubby of course!!!  Think the shock must have shown on my face but  I took time to reply and then calmly said (inner turmoil was something else), to me life is precious and I do not wish to have it taken away just yet!!!  Its so sad that her mind thinks this way as though she is lacking mobility her physical health is not too bad at present.  Hey ho, something I have little control over (seems a recurrent phrase in my head recently).

Strange its very quiet here at the moment (hubby still asleep) and I am sitting with the laptop listening to the birds in the garden and have scented candles calming my mood.  Reality will no doubt when I get on with the housework though have already done the ironing (getting up early has its bonuses).

Have a peaceful weekend. virtual hugs to  you and the family.  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Well another week is almost over. I still haven't done the porch floor mainly due to the fact we have had rain here for the past few days and I need a dry day (at least that's my excuse )  When we went shopping on Tuesday my wife bought three comics for our grandchildren. Not something we do very often as they are so expensive with all the so called free toys. She gave two of them to the oldest two when they came to tea with us on Wednesday. The other one I hid inside my jacket when I took them home. The youngest one on seeing the older ones had got comics, came up to me to see where his was. He saw the corner of his one as I opened my jacket and when he found it was the Marvel comic with Iron Man in it, he went mad. He started shaking my hand until I thought it was going to fall off. Where upon I told him it was nanny who bought it for him, I just had to pay for it. He then proceeded to tell me when I got home I was to thank nanny very much and that I had to give her a great big kiss and a hug from him. But I told her he had told me to give her three hugs and kisses when I got home. It's no good getting older if you don't get craftier is it??????????  He also severely told me off when he found out she pushes the trolley round the store. He told me I was very lazy and I should help nanny more. We also went In to W H Smiths on Thursday and have bought all three children some Christmas annuals but there was one we couldn't find for our granddaughter so will have to try next week.

It is surprising how heavy these annuals are so if you have been lifting these all week, I hope you try to have a good rest during the weekend. But knowing you, that wont happen as you always seem to keep so busy with so many things to do. Having had to do the ironing when my wife was laid up the other week, I have more appreciation of what is involved. When it came to folding the sheets I got into a real tangle. I don't know how you ladies manage to do it, I really don't.

Anyway I have rambled on for long enough Jules, Hope you get at lest some quiet moments to recharge batteries ready for next week.

Talk again soon, Brian.

Hi Brian

IT is truly lovely to bring smiles to the faces of the young! It gives me so much pleasure to see the delight even the smallest gift can bring.  At the moment we are getting 'planes' stickers for our grandson. I have many packs at readiness but he does not get one every time we see him, just did not want them to run out before he had filled the book.  So far he is doing quite well and also 'swaps' his doubles with a friend at school (brings back memories).  Magazines are expensive (for children and adults alike) and we rarely buy them now but as you say an occasional treat never does any harm and they are better than sweets.

Don't envy you the forthcoming task re the porch and can see the need for a 'very dry day' before being able to get the job done. Maybe a few more bags of chestnuts will work their magic!!

Not sure I enjoy being busybut the doc did say I needed to do more exercise (don't do gyms!! or exercise routines) so extra housework/walking helps!!!  Trouble with more exercise it makes you  more hungary and its difficult avoiding hubby's chocolate box as I am en route to the fruit bowl .

No real plans for the weekend so having returned from the local shops (carrying a new dustbin along with some cyclamen for my 'ironwork tricycle' in the garden), I am soon off outside to re-fill bird feeding station ready for the autumn and then will join hubby to watch F1 qualifying highlights (not having Sky).  Of course, if my daughter goes into labour we will be otherwise engaged!!

Keep meaning to ask how your Dad is doing, okay I hope?

Hope you and your wife have a peaceful weekend - its very dry and humid here and can't believe I am still in summer clothes - must make the most of it.  chat again soon.  Jules x

Hi Brian

IT is truly lovely to bring smiles to the faces of the young! It gives me so much pleasure to see the delight even the smallest gift can bring.  At the moment we are getting 'planes' stickers for our grandson. I have many packs at readiness but he does not get one every time we see him, just did not want them to run out before he had filled the book.  So far he is doing quite well and also 'swaps' his doubles with a friend at school (brings back memories).  Magazines are expensive (for children and adults alike) and we rarely buy them now but as you say an occasional treat never does any harm and they are better than sweets.

Don't envy you the forthcoming task re the porch and can see the need for a 'very dry day' before being able to get the job done. Maybe a few more bags of chestnuts will work their magic!!

Not sure I enjoy being busybut the doc did say I needed to do more exercise (don't do gyms!! or exercise routines) so extra housework/walking helps!!!  Trouble with more exercise it makes you  more hungary and its difficult avoiding hubby's chocolate box as I am en route to the fruit bowl .

No real plans for the weekend so having returned from the local shops (carrying a new dustbin along with some cyclamen for my 'ironwork tricycle' in the garden), I am soon off outside to re-fill bird feeding station ready for the autumn and then will join hubby to watch F1 qualifying highlights (not having Sky).  Of course, if my daughter goes into labour we will be otherwise engaged!!

Keep meaning to ask how your Dad is doing, okay I hope?

Hope you and your wife have a peaceful weekend - its very dry and humid here and can't believe I am still in summer clothes - must make the most of it.  chat again soon.  Jules x

Good morning Jules,

Rather foggy here at the moment and doesn't feel all that warm. Have a good excuse not to do the porch floor today as our son has invited us to dinner at their place. My wife is pleased as she doesn't now have to cook dinner. She slipped in the bath the other night and fell over on her side and has now got a nasty bruise which is very painful and she finds it painful when getting up or down in her chair.

I do feel for you and your husband in the situation you are in and I do understand how you must feel. I liked my job but when I retired, me and my wife managed to get out and about and enjoyed our retirement for the first year or so. We weren't able to travel long distances as she got tired so quickly but we are lucky in that we have several nice places to visit locally. But now it's rare that I can persuade her to go out in the car or go for a walk, apart from shopping. So much like you, we don't get out and do things as a couple like I had hoped we would. My wife tells me to go on my own but it's not the same as I expect you find. We cant blame our partners but it does mean we cant get to do the things we would like to do at times. I love walking round gardens just like you do, especially when the leaves are changing colour and we have some very nice ones near to where I live, but if I were to go on my own, I feel I am in a way being disloyal to my wife, if that makes sense.

I think I have deveoped a touch of ramblingitus Jules. Hope you are able to get out into the garden later, take care and best wishes to you, Brian

Hi Brian

Hope you have a lovely meal with your son and family.  (sure you did not arrange this to avoid the DIY (dont blame you).  My daughter and family popped in late morning and brought in some lovely warm rolls for everyone's lunch (unplanned so nice surprise).  Our grandson was full of his first full week at school especially the PE lesson on Friday which was great fun apparently.  Still full of energy but going to bed earlier (6.45), asleep by 7 and she is having to wake him in the mornings for school!!!  He is getting a little impatient as to when his new brother is being delivered as wants to take him to show the teacher and his friends but as my daughter says you can't arrange this to suit!!!  She is finding it a  bit strange as first time round she was 8 days before due date and did not know what it was like to be hanging around (mind you still has 5 days till due date so who knows!!).Have enjoyed being in the garden this afternoon. We have had a beautiful day - no fog here thankfully and 18deg whilst I was mowing the lawn so still in summer clothes - amazing for early October but great as not had to turn the heating on yet! Think most of my neighbours also chose today to be outside as could hear quite a few mowers during the day.  The sun is now on the front garden so will be nipping out there for a bit of tidying (hubby dozing pre dinner!!) as the  green waste will be collected on Tuesday and I like to give them something to collect.

Hope you have a peaceful week (and I am sure the grandchildren have been giving you and your wife much pleasure). Take care. Jules x