Jules,

I was so sad to read your post and all that you are going through.  You have been such a support to me on this site and I really wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.

I totally understand your frustration, anger and all your other feelings - perhaps the social workers who make these decisions should try going through it themselves!  On top of this of course you have hubby to think about.  I'm sure you are feeling really down, but have probably made the right decision in not going along to the flat visit while you feel like this and letting your Mum make her own decision if she is able. It is horrible to think she will have the incovenience of having to re-house after settling into her present care home, but hopefully she will settle well into the new flat and you never know maybe she'll like it better. It is annoying that it is going to be further for you to travel to, and that you may not be able to go as frequently, but try not to feel bad, you can only do what you can do (that is what everybody told me when I felt bad).  It sounds like you've been fighting long and hard for your Mum, so please don't feel guilty - I know that is easy to say, hard to do.  Keep posting on here, it is good to vent your anger and feelings, it's never good to bottle things up.  Thinking of you and hope things get a little easier for you.  Will speak again when you are able.   Hope x

Evening Hope

Thanks so much for your support when you have so much to deal with yourself. Can't tell you how good it feels to have online buddies support.  Of course hubby and my daughter have been tremendous too and have got me through today.  As I have just replied to others, things are really now out of my hands.  The social worker visited Mum today at the care home and Mum refused to even visit the sheltered housing and declined their offer on the spot.  She has told them she will carry on spending her own money to stay where she is until it runs out!

Social worker wanted me to spend 24hrs trying to get her to change her mind but I have told them its Mums life, her money and her decision should be respected.  Goodness know what the future holds but for now I am pleased Mum spoke up for herself without my influence and having spoken to the home late this afternoon to make sure she was okay I was told Mum had been 'on good form' since the visit so is perhaps relieved.

My emotions were shot to bits and I took myself for a walk via the bakers to lift my spirits and get rid of the headache  and as I have told Brian, tomorrow is another day (at work) and I will pop and visit Mum later in the week.  There really is nothing more I can do for the moment and I am not sure what Social Services can do now, probably very little but they certainly know Mum has her own opinions.

Hope your day has been okay and once again thanks for being there.  Look after yourself and hopefully chat soon.  Jules xx

Hi Jules,  Well done to your Mum for sticking up for what she wants!  She sounds like a strong lady.  I would say don't worry about the future, go with what she wants just now - if my experiences this year have taught me one thing it is to go with your gut instinct, and my bereavment counsellor has said that is what we should all do.  I think your Mum is going with her gut instinct on this and so it will be the right decision for her.  I can imagine your emotions are all over the place just now but perhaps you will feel a bit more at peace that she has made this decision herself.  I hope you get a good night's sleep.   Hope x

Hi Hope

I think you and my daughter have like minds and ways of thinking.  Once our grandson was in bed she phoned me to give me a talking to!!Says I have to get back to thinking and coping day by day otherwise the worrying about the future will have detrimental effect.I am trying but its often easier said than done as you well know.  As to sleeping,  I was asleep on the sofa by 10, woke at 11.30 dragged myself of to bed and slept till 4 somanaged a few hours at least. Hope you did too. Normal hours planned at work today and my colleague back from her annual leave so at least I will have some company.

My daughter had her whooping cough jab (hates needles so was very brave) yesterday which is being offered as a booster to pregnant mums to give extra protection to the new born - apparently there has been a rise in cases in babies.  She is back at the hospital for monitoring tomorrow and is hoping the blood tests show all is well though she is still having the itching that raised the 'liver' awareness.  Apparently if they feel there is a big enough problem then she could be induced a bit early so we will have to wait and see. Have a bag packed in readiness to go and look after grandson overnight if needs be. I am lucky its only 20mins walk to their place!!

Oh well best get moving and face the day.  Have a good one.   Jules

Hi Jules, I hope you are feeling a bit better today and glad you managed some sleep last night, also glad your daughter is supporting you.  I'm sure the way forward is to go day by day, but yes it is very hard to do and hard not to worry about the future.  I think since I've got older I seem to worry more about things, sometimes I have to give myself a telling off! It sounds like your Mum is fairly calm about things at the moment now that she has spoken her mind about what she wants, so hopefully that will make you feel a bit better.  Hope your daughter gets on OK at the hospital tomorrow, how exciting looking forward to another grandchild soon.  I've had an up and down day today, won't go into detail on your thread but will put something on mine later.  Take care.  Hope x

Hi Hope

Have replied on your thread too  and you are so right that the only way forward is to cope day by day.  I just think as we grow older we are more aware of time passing and todays way of living seems a lot more stressful that a few years ago even. I have never been particularly close to my Mum an d as an only child spent most of my childhood with childminders (which at least gave me others to play with).  Unfortunately with her long term mental health issues you never really know what to expect. She has one persona with 'authority' and another with family, many of whom she alienated years ago.  She has a sister and they have not seen each other for over 5 years.  I am the go-between now and just take it as it comes when I visit Mum, the length of my visits depending on her attitude.  Of course its difficult, as on the whole its the bipolar illness that makes her how she is, which I understand more now as an adult. My Dad had so much patience I can now truly admire how he dealt with her ways.  Her actual memory is brilliant and she still has full capacity to make her own decisions so I was not surprised she stood her ground with the social worker (we both have a stubborn streak) but I do fear what the future holds when the money runs out as I am not sure how she will be looked after then. My daughter just says we cannot plan our lives that far ahead and I suppose she is right. So for now we just carry on as before and hope for the best.  I will visit later in the week - it could be an interesting conversation or there could be none at all!

Today I have booked an appointment to get my hair done next week so that will give me something to look forward to.

Thanks for you for continued support - its good to chat.  Take care Jules xx

Hi Hope

Have replied on your thread too  and you are so right that the only way forward is to cope day by day.  I just think as we grow older we are more aware of time passing and todays way of living seems a lot more stressful that a few years ago even. I have never been particularly close to my Mum an d as an only child spent most of my childhood with childminders (which at least gave me others to play with).  Unfortunately with her long term mental health issues you never really know what to expect. She has one persona with 'authority' and another with family, many of whom she alienated years ago.  She has a sister and they have not seen each other for over 5 years.  I am the go-between now and just take it as it comes when I visit Mum, the length of my visits depending on her attitude.  Of course its difficult, as on the whole its the bipolar illness that makes her how she is, which I understand more now as an adult. My Dad had so much patience I can now truly admire how he dealt with her ways.  Her actual memory is brilliant and she still has full capacity to make her own decisions so I was not surprised she stood her ground with the social worker (we both have a stubborn streak) but I do fear what the future holds when the money runs out as I am not sure how she will be looked after then. My daughter just says we cannot plan our lives that far ahead and I suppose she is right. So for now we just carry on as before and hope for the best.  I will visit later in the week - it could be an interesting conversation or there could be none at all!

Today I have booked an appointment to get my hair done next week so that will give me something to look forward to.

Thanks for you for continued support - its good to chat.  Take care Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Hope when you meet with your mother it all goes as well as can be expected. I have this afternoon ordered a new washing machine as ours is about twenty two years old and when it starts to spin, It sounds like concord taking off at full power.  We were told two years ago the sub frame was nearly rusted through and couldn't be repaired again. The bearings have finally given out so I am just hoping it will last until the new one is delivered. It is so noisy now I have had to bring my ear defenders in from the garage. But I have got into trouble as I cant hear my wife talking to me now!!!!!!!!!!!.  Think even when the new machine is in and installed may just forget to take them back to the gararge. Hope my wife doesnt read this

Take care Jules. will talk again soon, Brian

Hi Jules,

How right you and Hope are for saying that we can only take one day at a time. It's true for all of us but we don't all realise it. I think you have hit on another good point which is that as we get older we are aware of time passing, and that life is more stressful as it gets faster and more sophisticated. I also think if you are a natural worrier( and I am,) then things can soon get even more stressful. 

Your daughter sounds as old and sensible as mine, indeed there have been moments when I have wondered who is the parent.

I won't mention parents tonight, I am having a difficult time with mine as they get older, and I don't know whether it's me being a grumpy getting older woman or them being ever demanding second childhood parents. (Sorry I said I wouldn't go there!!!!!!)

Jules I really came on tonight to say I won't be on the forum until Sunday night now as am lending my laptop to husband who is off to Wales for 3 nights, so he can answer business emails whilst away.

Will catch up with everyone on Sunday eve. Hope you all have a lovely weekend.

Annabelxx.

Hi Jules,

Sorry to read that you have been having so much hassle with your mums situation whilst having to deal with your husband's illness.  At least your Mum made the decision to stay herself.  Hopefully something comes up closer to home soon.  Take care.xxx

Thanks so much Beaker to responding on my thread when dealing with your own sadness.  I will be visiting Mum later this week and it really is a case of taking things day by day now as it looks as though by Mum refusing to even look at an alternative solution to her care arrangements, there may well be no financial support from social services as they do not recognise the need for full residential care and say this was a luxury whilst she could afford it (and they cannot support that!!).  In the next breath they say its not about the cost, just that the 'service user' can be managed just as well in what they are offering. They might as well just issue my Mum with a number. Very frustrating but with Mum having chosen to make a stand she will have to use what little money she has now to stay where she is for as long as she can. After that, well who knows!

Hubby is plodding along and is managing to still do a few days a week at work in a consultancy/teaching role at present. It leaves him pretty tired the rest of the time but work is where he is happiest so we are coping like so many others in this situation.

Take care of yourself. Jules x

Hi Jules,  Have just realised that I've sort of replied to your last post on my thread but wanted to touch base anyway and say that I hope you are feeling a bit better today.  Mental health issues are always difficult as is dealing with elderly parents and all that that entails, I hope your inner strength comes through for you.  Good luck to your daughter today at the hospital.  A trip to the hairdressers is always good for self-esteem too!  Take care.  Hope x

Good morning Jules,

We have a nice clear blue sky here this morning with a touch of fog and the temperature is only 6 degrees outside so feeling very chilly went I went outside to put the rubbish out. Hope you are able to have a good conversation with your mother tomorow and that the S.S. visit has not upset her too much. I cant get over the fact that they wanted you to do their work for them in try to change your mothers mind. Talk about trying to pass the buck. I bet they were a bit taken aback by your mothers refusal to do what they wanted. I hope your extended hours at work has not been to tiring. Hope you have a quite weekend planned. Take care Jules and will talk again soon, Brian.

Hi Brian

Sounds like a washing machine virus thats spreading!!  Your description matched perfectly with how my machine was two weeks back (not been used since!!) and I have just got back from local launderette and now the washing is on the line. No idea when we will manage to get replacement!!

  Visit to Mum moved to tomorrow now as I am needed to pick up grandson from school.  Daughter at hospital all day yesterday and back there again today for more tests as to her liver function and as baby was not playing 'ball' whilst  she was on heart monitor, they going to re-do that as well this morning.  With only a few weeks to her due date think she is rather hoping they will say 'lets get the tyke out!!' but its a waiting game.  According to care home staff Mum doing okay so her brush with the authorities seems not to have fazed her.

Hubby has done a four day week and  will be glad to 'catch his breath' over next few days before going back in Monday. Certainly now seem to be in 'new normal' as we cope on a daily basis but still make plans along the way.   Chat again soon. Jules xx

Hi Annabel

When your laptop gets back from its business trip hope you manage to link up with your daughter or are you planning a visit soon?  My daughter spending  more time being monitored than at home at present which has us (and friends) doing the school run.  More blood test results (sent to specialist hospital) awaited, hopefully today with regards to her liver function (this may result in being induced early if readings indicate problems) and also the baby was in her words being a little monkey when the heart monitor was trying to take recordings yesterday, hence she has to go back today for a re-try!  Luckily our grandson taking it all okay and rather enjoying the extra time playing with his school mates.  Is loving his new teacher/class and only one more week before he goes all day which will be a bit easily managed.

Sorry to read your having your fair share of problems with your parents - seems like we are all getting to that age where both ends of the spectrum are causing anxiety.  Feel free to offload here whenever you get the time (better out than in as they say) and lets face it you have all had to put up with my troubles too. Sharing has really helped. Now back to coping day to day on everyone's advice (well at least until the next panic!!).

Hope all going well with the family and hope you enjoyed (by the time you read this) a peaceful weekend.  Take care Jules xx

Morning again Brian,

I think peaceful could be pushing it for this weekend with so much going on around me at present.  Anyway herw we have think cloud but the promise of brighter spells later!  Have put the washing out anyway and am now waiting for hubby to surface so I can do his breakfast (nearly 3hrs since mine!!!).

The extra work hours take their toll on the day you do them but are soon forgotten and its to be expected in the build up to Christmas - thats retail!!!  I cheered myself up yesterday when I finished by popping to the shops and spending some of my birthday money.  I also have a week off to take once new baby arrives (to follow on from son-in-law's week) which if not actually a rest will be far more enjoyable, fingers crossed.

Hope you and your wife have a peaceful weekend.  Best regards. Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Glad to hear your husband felt able to do four days work in a row. Just hope he doesn't over do things. I do hope all is well with your daughter when she visits the hospital today. You must be feeling a little concerned. I remember when my son was born, my poor wife was in labour for absolutely ages. She found out later she has a twisted pelvis and this was the cause of the problem. I remember chewing on my fingers, didn't have much left when my son was finally born.

So glad to hear your mother dealt with the news so well, good for her. We have only been able to afford the washing machine due to my wife being ill for two weeks and as a result didn't spend much on food. But she did let me buy a big bag of Kent Cobb Nuts as a reward, so now am even nuttier than before if that possible

Have a good weekend and will think of you tomorow, Take care, Brian