In all honesty Waterbabe and Max I do not feel worthy at being here, I wish I could say to you both that I am better but I can't. Before Carrie's illness I would say that I was a fairly fit confident and full of life person but now I am a shadow of myself and I know that I will never ever be the same.In order for me to function I have to try and put what is happening to my daughter out of my mind how can I do that it is not possible.Like my friends on the forum we have all lost family in the past and friends but this has broken me and I am frightened for the first time for my sanity and yet my G.P.is telling me that he admires how I am dealing with what I can only call trauma and in is opinion I do not need any what I will call mental services, like others I thought I would try and get my mind on other matters and decided to cut and prune my hedges but as I am doing the job I noticed that my hands were shaking which I assume is my nerves and I kept breaking down crying.My wife Sandra is a godsend and fully understands what I am going through and understands that I be allowed to grieve in any way that relieves my pain. I feel somedays like going to hospital and asking them to keep me in but I don't want that but I do not know what the answer is because their is none.I keep thinking about when she was a baby and having her on my knee or in bath with the rubber ducks etc and with the sparklers on bonfire night doing the figire eight in the dark, taking her to have her ears pierced the list is endless you know what I mean ladies you have been their.I just can't and I am sorry for keep repeating myself except a world without Carrie in it God help me please. BillX

P.S. Max and Waterbabe I pray that what you seek you shall receive and more.X

You are definitely worthy of being here Bill - we are all the same boat in different ways - and I think here at least people understand the turmoil this disease brings to our lives. And your support and help to others is much needed too! You have said many things to me that have made great sense of things I worry about. Seeking your GPs opinion was a good thing but I totally understand when you say that no-one can really help at the moment and it seems your dear wife is a godsend - no-one except you and her can possibly understand the difficulties of losing your daughter, so keep talking and crying and supporting each other.

I too often feel like booking myself into a hospital - just to escape it all for a while and let someone else take control. I did that once and went and stayed at The PennyBraun Centre in Bristol - it was 5days of sheer bliss - do look it up on the internet. Its a cancer centre and boy do they understand!!!!!

I understand Bill cos I am going thru a similar journey but the other way around - I am distraught at the prospect of leaving my family,especialy my daughter. She is 27 and has many many traumas to deal with in her short life - she talks to only me about them and sees me as her best friend and confidente as she has no partner. She cried the other night that she didnt want me to die and it was heartwrenching - I am truly worried about how she will cope with that on top of all the other things she has had to go through. She also is having a coloscopy this week after a positive smear test and has a biopsy and treatment to face - another worry for her (and us of course). Its a neverending turmoil isnt it and will continue for some time for all of us. All we can do is go along with it all, stay strong, and know at some point life will change again and there will be more challenges ahead but maybe some sunshine too in the future for those left behind. Hard to imagine - but lets just hang on to that and hope. Thinking of you       Max x

Thank you Max for your kind words, I am lost for words to say now Max and do not know which way to turn.

BillXX

Thats no problem - you just concentrate on being with your family and looking after yourself as much as you can. We are all here for you but expect nothing more from you than being in touch when you feel you need us. You are in my thoughts Bill. Max x

Thanks Max.XXX

Hi Bill

Just want to say thinking of you and carrie.

How are things? X x your friends are here

When ever you feel like talking x x

Hi,

Sorry for not replying sooner not been on site for a while, I am sorry to say I am no better emotionaly and wish  I was but as you know it is all consuming and so heartbreaking everyhour of every day for me anyway.Carrie is being looked after very well but is bedridden and has no communication as such but Carrie is still with me and pray that will last as long as their is no pain for her.I cannot explain but I am crying unconrtolaby more now even when shaving showering etc when just thinking of her which is permanent.Thouht at one point I was getting better which I was but for whatever reason I am back to square one, anyway how are you and your husband doing I hope everything is as good as can be sunshine and I do think of you also in my thoughts and will continue to be so and thanks for caring. BillXXX

Hello Bill, I am new on this site, but just now read some of your posts. I am so sorry for the pain you feel about your daughter, Carrie's illness. There are no words to console you in your sorrow. Feeling the grief and pain can be healing if you can give yourself permission to go there as hard as that is. I lost my only son and I also thought I would never recover from that, and I didn't really, its' an ongoing process that never really ends. Learning to live with the pain while trying to treasure the other loved ones we have in our life does help. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. That is not the natural order of life, but tragically, it happens. Our children, as old as they may be, will always be our children. As parents, we are supposed to keep them well and safe from harm, but unfortunately, we can't always do that because some of those situations are out of our control. I know if it was possible, you would trade places with Carrie and relieve her of her illness, but you can't, and that is so hard for a parent to accept. Love her and comfort her for as long as you have her and try to find some comfort in knowing that you did all you could for her. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find some peace from the very compassionate people who have responded to your post.

Take care of yourself'

Lorraine   

Hi bill

Been thinking of you and carrie, how are you both

Doing? You and family are always in my thoughts .

Takecare

Sadly my daughter Carrie passed away on Jan 6th 2014, thank you to my friends for your kind words to me in this very dark and heartbreaking period in my life which like so many others is ongoing and will never cease until the day I die. X

Hello Bill Im so sorry you have lost your precious daughter Carrie my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this very sad time ...Susananne..

Thanks for your kind words Susan.

Bill.XX

Thanks for your kind words Susan.

Bill.XX

Bill, I know things will feel so strange for you right now.  I am so sorry that this awful thing has happened to your family.  I am not much further ahead in this journey than you, so I can't really give you any wise advice. Just wanted to say do not try and think too far ahead just now.  Just concentrate on getting through the minutes if you have to.  And keep posting.  I am sure Carrie knew how much she was loved by you all, and that would have been of great comfort to her.  Take care.xxx

Thank you Beaker as always, I will do as you ask and I know that is the only road forward what you suggest . I will keep posting and you take care of yourself also.XX