Hello all,

I wanted to come on here today, as it's been a funny weekend and a tough day..

My Mum and Dad came down to stay with us - it was so lovely to see them, but ultimately has left me feeling worse than ever.  I had a wonderful day with my Mum and my daughter on Saturday, and then we had a big family day yesterday. Mum is on her first 'rest' week from her chemo, and is doing ok - she's had a few issues to deal with but has generally been able to get them sorted.

But after such a nice weekend, I feel so low today - I think it is because try as I did to avoid this, I spent a lot of time over the weekend thinking about things that we won't be able to do if the worst happens.  And also thinking that there will always be this cloud over us when we are together.  I so desperately want to make it go away, and just enjoy every minute.  And after finding a way of coping with the thoughts previously, I also found myself getting upset at the thought of my daughter perhaps not growing up knowing my mum - I loved seeing them together, and my Mum takes such delight from her time with her grand-daughter.  I just can't believe there may be a time that this won't be possible.

I guess this is all part of the ups and downs of this horrible illness, I feel guilty for being so emotional when my Mum is coping so well, but I know she has bad times too - she just seems to hide them to protect us, it's all so mad, we all feel so bad, and yet no one wants to upset anyone else???

It's great that there is a forum to share these kind of thoughts, and am sure there are others out there experiencing the same roller coaster - I just can't get it all straight in my head, I had just about got to a place where I could balance the knowledge of what was happening with life outside of that, and then today I feel back to square one.

I send everyone else going through this the very best, and know I will continue to take strength from reading your stories so thank you x

Hi Catherine - just read your story.  I think we sometimes feel a bit guilty if we feel happy when we feel we shouldn't.  Everyone copes different Catherine and I have just started to realise that myself.

Some people cope better than others.  I think it is the way our bodies are programmed to cope with certain things in life.  I think you think the same as me while the rest of my in-laws seem to be able to laugh about my father-in-law who I lost last November part of me still feels very raw about it all.  They can sit and talk about him as if nothing happened.  I still fill up when I think back to that night he died and my husband got the phonecall to say he had died and he had just left him that night in the hospital.  My daughter is the same she keeps asking when her granda is coming back which starts me off again.  You are like me always planning for the future and never thinking about living for the day.

If we didn't feel like that Catherine we would be very hard hearted instead of being so soft-hearted.

Hope your mum continues to keep well.

Mickied

Hi CAE,

I think that when cancer is involved there will always be peaks and troughs, high's and low's. It is also inevitable that all of you, are trying to hide how your really feeling inside from other member of your family, (we all do it for the best of reasons). I think that there are very few families who could be open and honest about their feelings with their family faced with your situation. I can also relate to what you said about your daughter at some stage in the future growing up without the guidance and love of her grandmother.

You should not feel guilty at all, it's all part of the emotional toll that cancer exacts from us in one way or another. If you feel like crying, do not feel ashamed either, for crying is like a safety valve that helps get rid of our pent up emotions. Much better to cry and get it out of our system. Emotions are often underestimated and the impact they have on our live is not that well understood. For something that cant be seen, only felt, emotions cover such a wide range of feelings and we seem to feel most of them more than normal when someone we love is suffering from cancer.

I am glad that as you are feeling low, you came back on here today which shows me that you feel that this great site helps you, although of course I am sorry for your need to do so.

As I have said before, anytime you feel alone and want to talk, scream, or shout, this is what this site is for.

Please keep in contact, sending best wishes to you, your mother, daughter, and all your family, Brian

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Hopewells - I am  sorry to hear about both your Mum and your little brother, although good news that he is on the mend, and am sorry you are going through all this at such a young age.  I wish you well with all that lies ahead.  I take on board what you say about feeling lucky for the time I have had with my Mum, but that doesn't necessarily make what she is going through any easier to deal with - with things like this, it's probably best not to try and compare who is luckier than who, as when you are going through it, I'm sure it's just as hard for all of us for many different reasons and in many different ways.  Thank you for your advice and your prayers and for sharing your story.

Mickied - thanks also for your reply, you are absolutely right that the only way to deal with this is to live one day at a time, and I absolutely have to focus on doing that.  But you are right that it comes down to the kind of person you are, and just because something like this happens, you can't suddently change the way you feel or react to things.  I wish you all the strength to get through this to, and please stay in touch as  I feel there are some similarities in the way we are feeling and coping.

Brian - a massive thanks to you again, you write so well and manage to say so many of the right things.  Thank you for your wishes.  I am feeling better this week, and planning a few more trips to spend time with Mum  I just want to until we are given some more indication fo what the future holds, and without sounding morbid, would never want to regret not spending time with her - she keeps feeling guilty about us travelling to see her, so I am having a job convincing her that we do it because we want to!  All the very best to you and please stay in touch.

Catherine x

Hello Catherine,

Just wanted to say that I can totally identify with wanting to see your Mum as much as you can just now.  I can remember saying to my sister (who lives in Norway) when Dad was first diagnosed and his illness deemed curable to see her Dad as often as if he was not going to get better, just in case  -  I acted in the same way, although obviously we couldn't tell Dad thats what we were doing - instead we came up with every excuse we could think of for visiting as often as possible.  I think it was the best plan for both of us we have some very precious memories of times we spent with him both when he was ill and in the times he was well - these memories mean the world to both of us, and I think Dad really appreciated all  the time we spent with him too.  I think we all just knew that we needed each other so much at a time like that - thats what families are for.  I hope things are still going ok for your Mum.  Dont beat yourself up about feeling down at times, it is a very stressful and anxious time for all of you and some days you cope ok and other days you are in bits - it just means that you love your Mother very much and hate to see her so unwell.   Take care of yourself Katielouie x 

Hi Catherine

As they say life can be so cruel sometimes and it can be very hard to try and get through each day as it comes.  How is your mum keeping and how are you?

I kept your mum in my prayers and discovered last week that a young baby who undergone a heart operation survived and is on the mend so sometimes there is someone listening.

Thank you for the invitation to stay in touch which I promise I will do.

Take care

Mickied

Hello Katielouie,

Thanks again for getting in touch - hope you are doing ok?

Like you, I have been thinking of lots of ways of getting to see my Mum, without making it really obvious to her that I am worried about how much longer I'll be able to do this.  I really hope I don't sound morbid, it sounds like you did a very similar thing so am sure you understand the reasons.  I am off to see my mum and dad tomorrow, just for a couple of days and then we have a longer break with them over the Mother's day weekend, that's a very important one for me.  Something that is hard is that my mum feels guilty for me/us going up so often so I'm also having to think of ways to respond to that - I think part of it is that it reminds her that something is wrong, and I would hate to do anything that upsets her even more. But as you said, it is not just about having time together, it is also support for my dad, and also (I hope) trying to provide some change to the routine they are in whilst Mum is having treatment.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply, all the very best to you,

Catherine x

Hi again Mickied,

Thanks so much for asking after us - we are ok, Mum is doing well and is still coping ok with the treatment, she has had a few side effects and is picking up a few coughs and colds where her immune system is weakened, but the docs are being supportive and have helped with most things.  As for me, I do seem to have got better at this 'one day at a time' thing we spoke about!  I've realised there is no point specualting on the future, because we don't know what it holds (for any of us actually!)  I'm still a bit up and down, and for example this morning, was speaking to a friend in New Zealand, who I don't get to talk to very often - I was talking to her about Mum and ended up in floods of tears.  But sometimes it's good to let it all out, and I am better at keeping a check on my emotions now.

Thank you also for your prayers for my mum - and as you say, you do hear of stories where they work.

How are you doing yourself?

Thanks again for the reply, and take care,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

I am glad to hear your mum is keeping OK and the professionals are keeping an eye on her.  You are right Catherine about not speculating on the future as no-one knows what is in store for them.

I have been very weepy too all weekend.  Seems to be everytime I thought of something I could feel myself filing up.  Even listening to a song the other day had me feeling weepy and then I was OK again.

I am a bit annoyed I won't get to spend Mother's Day with my mum as we have to go to a Christening and stay overnight but my mother-in-law will be there along with her daughter while I won't get to see mine.  I know some people may think that is petty of me but I am not happy about this arrangement.  I would hate to think of her spending it on her own.

I still have your mum in my prayers.

Take care and talk again

Mickied

Hi mickied,

Thanks for your reply, and sorry for delay getting back to you.

How are you - you said you had been quite down over the weekend when you wrote, so really hope you are feeling a bit brighter now.  I do know what you mean, about how little things set you off - I am generally keeping on top of things, but every so often (Sundays are always bad!) I have a bad day, and the slightest thing sets me off.  I find tiredness is often the cause, as definitely don't sleep well most of the time.

I don't think your feelings about Mother's Day are petty at all - it is an important day and natural that you would want to be with her.  I guess it is one of those compromises we have to make, especially when married and there are extra demands on you - but it is hard to see other people being with their mums and you not being with yours.  My brother takes the view though that Mother's Day is actually just another day, and in fact you could be with and spoil your mum any day of the year, which isn't a bad way to look at it!

We are going to my in laws for the Easter break this year - we will see my Mum and Dad on the way up (they live about half way to my in laws house!) and I am worried that I won't want to leave and go on to be with my husband's parents when we could stay and have all those extra days with mine.  It is just one of those silly things about wanting to be with them as much as possible, but we do not see that much of my in laws so know we have to spend time with them too.  It's just harder than normal this year.

Thanks again for staying in touch and keeping mum in your prayers, it is very much appreciated.

Take care, Catherine x