Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Hopewells - I am  sorry to hear about both your Mum and your little brother, although good news that he is on the mend, and am sorry you are going through all this at such a young age.  I wish you well with all that lies ahead.  I take on board what you say about feeling lucky for the time I have had with my Mum, but that doesn't necessarily make what she is going through any easier to deal with - with things like this, it's probably best not to try and compare who is luckier than who, as when you are going through it, I'm sure it's just as hard for all of us for many different reasons and in many different ways.  Thank you for your advice and your prayers and for sharing your story.

Mickied - thanks also for your reply, you are absolutely right that the only way to deal with this is to live one day at a time, and I absolutely have to focus on doing that.  But you are right that it comes down to the kind of person you are, and just because something like this happens, you can't suddently change the way you feel or react to things.  I wish you all the strength to get through this to, and please stay in touch as  I feel there are some similarities in the way we are feeling and coping.

Brian - a massive thanks to you again, you write so well and manage to say so many of the right things.  Thank you for your wishes.  I am feeling better this week, and planning a few more trips to spend time with Mum  I just want to until we are given some more indication fo what the future holds, and without sounding morbid, would never want to regret not spending time with her - she keeps feeling guilty about us travelling to see her, so I am having a job convincing her that we do it because we want to!  All the very best to you and please stay in touch.

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

As they say life can be so cruel sometimes and it can be very hard to try and get through each day as it comes.  How is your mum keeping and how are you?

I kept your mum in my prayers and discovered last week that a young baby who undergone a heart operation survived and is on the mend so sometimes there is someone listening.

Thank you for the invitation to stay in touch which I promise I will do.

Take care

Mickied

Hi Catherine

There is no need to feel sorry for not replying sooner.  Just read about your mum.  I don't think you are selfish at all Catherine in wanting to give your mum the best chance of continuing with her treatment.

I know they said the first cycle of treatment wasn't successful and could a second cyle of chemo help her.  What does her oncologist think about this second course of treatment does he feel it would buy your mum more time.  I don't think there is a definite answer to this one Catherine but I hope and pray that your mum makes the right decision even if it is one you will have to respect her wishes.

Sorry to hear you weren't well over Mother's Day like myself and the rest of the house.  We all came down with the flu and I still have it.  It is very hard to shake off.

Thinking about your and your mum.  You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care

Mickied

Hello Jules54 - thank you as always for taking the time to reply, and sharing more about your story.  Your husband sounds like a wonderful and courageous man, and it seems like he is doing exactly what my Mum is hoping to do - accepting his condition but getting on with life as best he can.  Not that you haven't all been through some ordeals along the way, but your message suggests he is at ease with his decision, and I can only guess that you must take comfort from that as well, especially as he is not suffering.  Great news that he has bounced back so well, and is able to do and enjoy the things you speak about.  One of the hardest things about cancer (and many other illnesses I guess) is that the stuff that's supposed to make you better can actually make things worse - it's hard to get your head around that, and the decision always has to be about weighing up whether the side effects of the treatment are worse than the illness itself, which is in many cases is a guessing game, especially as none of us know how the illness will progress and how quickly...

Your are absolutely right to say that taking these decisions is not about giving up, but is about making the most of the time left, and I completely respect that.  I also respect that it is only a decision that can fully be made by the person suffering from the disease, yes of course we will have feelings and opinions, but ultimately it is not up to us. You say about Mum having all the facts and being comfortable with her decision - I guess I have to reassure myself that this is the case, and if it is then move on and accept things.

Thank you again for all your words of advice and comfort.  I often read your messages on here to others, and it's good to follow your story as I pick up lots of little ideas and ways to think about things differently, which all helps.  I wish you and your husband and family all the very best, and hope you have a lovely family break in April.

Regards, Catherine

Thanks for your response Catherine. Its such a minefield of information out there isn't it.  I came to this site originally as I found I was very frustrated (never mind terified) that my hubby did not want to talk about things and I really was not coping too great with my own feelings which at the time I felt was selfish. Got told off by such a lovely group of people who helped me through my feelings as it gave me an outlet to express myself without upsetting those near and dear to me. My hubby now knows that I chat to people here and like you along the way I have picked up hints and tips. There are so many here in a lot worse situation and I admire them enormously.  I am typing this as my hubby enjoys an afternoon nap and I have the attitude that if he feels okay with his decision I have no right to try to change that (however much I long to wave that magic wand and make things different). We are on a path and no doubt along the way there will be diversions as there always are in life in general. Hell, I am along for the ride and after 36 years of marriage dont plan on giving in just yet. Just hoping the good genes battle a little longer with those baddies.  Wishing you and the family a happy weekend. Take care Jules

Hello Brian - thanks very much for your kind reply, your words make a lot of sense.  I think it is going to be a case of finding the right way and time to talk to Mum, and make sure she realises it is all being said with the best of intentions.  I am sure I will sense fairly quickly if this is her final decision, or if there is any benefit to gently talking to her about a second round of treatment.  As both you and Jules54 have said, I know she will not have made this decision to give up, purely to preserve quality of life for the time she has, however long that may be.

Thanks for telling me about Sofia's story, as stories like that are both important for me to know about, but also great to share with Mum, which I will do.

Hope you are well - I left you a short message on another post yesterday, as saw your Father was unwell so hope there is better news there?

Thank you again for always taking the time to reply, all the best to you

Catherine

Hi Mickied.  How are you all feeling now, have you manged to shake off that nasty flu?  Hope you are now all on the mend.

Things are better here, as my daughter seems to have shaken off her recent bout of illness and has been keeping us busy and smiling over the weekend.

I spoke to my mum yesterday, and I didn't really need to say what I had been thinking as it seems her and my Dad had been thinking along very similar lines.  They have spoken to the oncologist, and she is going to send them some further info about the proposed next lot of chemo, as mum is pretty scared about going through it and needs time to read and digest and ask questions.

We had a holiday lined up with my parents in April, and it is looking unlikely that we will be able to go - whilst I know nothing should get in the way of the treatment, part of me thinks well what is this doesn't work either and we have given up the chance to have that precious time together.  I just hate all the what ifs that go with cancer!

We will be seeing mum and dad for a couple of days at the end of the week, so am looking forward to having the chance to sit down and talk properly.

Take care, Catherine x

Hi Jules - loved your last reply, especially the bit about being along for the ride!  You are right, and my brother is coping the same way - after all the precious years we get with our loved ones, we just have to keep enjoying those in spite of everything life throws at us!  Who knows what will happen to any of us and when?!

Like you, I joined here as need to talk about things in a way that is different to the males in my family (hubby, dad and brother).  It's not that they are not happy to talk, and are wholly supportive, but just have a different way of coping.  One of the hardest things about my mum's illness is that I could always talk to her in a way that I couldn't to anyone else, and yet I can't always talk to her about this as I need to, as don't want to upset her. One of the cruel ironies of going through something like this I guess, and is nothing compared to the way I feel when I think about the day I won't be able to talk to her at all (although plan to always keep talking to her even if she can't directly answer me!)

But the fact that you and others have always taken the time to read my posts, reply and offer so many comforting words means so much and as you say, is an outlet to get all those feelings out without the fear of upsetting others touched by what you are going through.  So a big thank you again.

Take care, wish you husband all the best,

Catherine

Hi Catherine - thank you for thinking about me.  Still have a touch of the flu but it isn't as bad as it was the other week.  Glad to hear your daughter is feeling a lot more better.

I am glad your mum's oncologist is sending her more information about the next course of treatment.  Hopefully things will appear much clearer then.  I have been thinking about you and your mum lately and always keeping her in my prayers every night.

Sorry to hear you may not be able to go on your planned holiday.  What about a day's drive here and there depending on the weather at this time of year and if your mum feels tired she will be able to go back home to her own homely comforts.

Take care Catherine and have a nice Easter.

Mickied

Hi Catherine,

           Just wanted to say how touching your messages have been and in particular I could empathise about talking to females in the family being very important but that you can't totally open up to your mum at the moment as you don't want to upset her.That's a real irony of the situation isn't it. The trouble is does your Mum need the chance to open up to you. The female in my family I need for real chats is my daughter, but I don't like to have such chats on the phone so I have to save them for when they come up to Cumbria and have them then. It's my birthday soon and both my children and there other halfs are coming up to celebrate with me so I am really looking forward to that.

           When I was diagnosed with cancer just before christmas I found so many ironies it was untrue. as you say we have to make the most of what precious time we have together because none of us know what's around the corner for us.  I do hope you get to chat with your Mum even if you start off with small inconsequential chats but giving both of you the opportunity to open up if  the situation allows.

            Take care and look after yourself.  Annabel.

Hi Mickied - thanks as always for your note, and for thinking of us.  Glad you are feeling a bit brighter so may that continue to improve.

Just back from a couple of days away with work, was chatting to a colleague whose wife has terminal cancer, and has been so poorly for the last few weeks.  He was like a shadow of his former self, and I felt for him and his wife so much.  Cancer is such a cruel disease, and affects people in such a mixture of ways.

Can't wait to see mum in the morning, although I know our stay will be all too short.  Thanks for the suggestions of alternatives to our holiday, and I will do everything to make sure the time is as precious as things allow.

I wish you and the family a good Easter as well, and will be back in touch when we are back from our trip.

Take care, Catherine x

Hello Annabel - thanks so much for reading my story, and for getting in touch.  Always lovely to know there are people who relate to your feelings and understand what you are going through.

I know what you mean about chats by phone, you always feel against the clock and it is never the same as face to face.  I hope you get good opportunities to see and talk to your daughter in person.  I think my mum can open up as she needs to , but actually quite often will ask us to change the subject after a while.  I know she is scared about what is happening, so this is partly a self-defence thing for her, but we speak about things enough that I think she is comfortable doing so.  Am seeing her for a couple of days this weekend, and we will be talking about what she has decided to do in terms of future treatment, not going to be easy for any of us but we wil all support her.

How are things going for you - you mention you received your diagnosis just before Christmas, which must have been a terrible shock.  I hope things are going ok for you?

Well, thanks again for getting in touch and please take care of yourself,

Catherine x

Hello Annabel - thanks so much for reading my story, and for getting in touch.  Always lovely to know there are people who relate to your feelings and understand what you are going through.

I know what you mean about chats by phone, you always feel against the clock and it is never the same as face to face.  I hope you get good opportunities to see and talk to your daughter in person.  I think my mum can open up as she needs to , but actually quite often will ask us to change the subject after a while.  I know she is scared about what is happening, so this is partly a self-defence thing for her, but we speak about things enough that I think she is comfortable doing so.  Am seeing her for a couple of days this weekend, and we will be talking about what she has decided to do in terms of future treatment, not going to be easy for any of us but we wil all support her.

How are things going for you - you mention you received your diagnosis just before Christmas, which must have been a terrible shock.  I hope things are going ok for you?

Well, thanks again for getting in touch and please take care of yourself,

Catherine x