Hi Jules - loved your last reply, especially the bit about being along for the ride!  You are right, and my brother is coping the same way - after all the precious years we get with our loved ones, we just have to keep enjoying those in spite of everything life throws at us!  Who knows what will happen to any of us and when?!

Like you, I joined here as need to talk about things in a way that is different to the males in my family (hubby, dad and brother).  It's not that they are not happy to talk, and are wholly supportive, but just have a different way of coping.  One of the hardest things about my mum's illness is that I could always talk to her in a way that I couldn't to anyone else, and yet I can't always talk to her about this as I need to, as don't want to upset her. One of the cruel ironies of going through something like this I guess, and is nothing compared to the way I feel when I think about the day I won't be able to talk to her at all (although plan to always keep talking to her even if she can't directly answer me!)

But the fact that you and others have always taken the time to read my posts, reply and offer so many comforting words means so much and as you say, is an outlet to get all those feelings out without the fear of upsetting others touched by what you are going through.  So a big thank you again.

Take care, wish you husband all the best,

Catherine

Hi Catherine - thank you for thinking about me.  Still have a touch of the flu but it isn't as bad as it was the other week.  Glad to hear your daughter is feeling a lot more better.

I am glad your mum's oncologist is sending her more information about the next course of treatment.  Hopefully things will appear much clearer then.  I have been thinking about you and your mum lately and always keeping her in my prayers every night.

Sorry to hear you may not be able to go on your planned holiday.  What about a day's drive here and there depending on the weather at this time of year and if your mum feels tired she will be able to go back home to her own homely comforts.

Take care Catherine and have a nice Easter.

Mickied

Hi Catherine,

           Just wanted to say how touching your messages have been and in particular I could empathise about talking to females in the family being very important but that you can't totally open up to your mum at the moment as you don't want to upset her.That's a real irony of the situation isn't it. The trouble is does your Mum need the chance to open up to you. The female in my family I need for real chats is my daughter, but I don't like to have such chats on the phone so I have to save them for when they come up to Cumbria and have them then. It's my birthday soon and both my children and there other halfs are coming up to celebrate with me so I am really looking forward to that.

           When I was diagnosed with cancer just before christmas I found so many ironies it was untrue. as you say we have to make the most of what precious time we have together because none of us know what's around the corner for us.  I do hope you get to chat with your Mum even if you start off with small inconsequential chats but giving both of you the opportunity to open up if  the situation allows.

            Take care and look after yourself.  Annabel.

Hello Annabel - thanks so much for reading my story, and for getting in touch.  Always lovely to know there are people who relate to your feelings and understand what you are going through.

I know what you mean about chats by phone, you always feel against the clock and it is never the same as face to face.  I hope you get good opportunities to see and talk to your daughter in person.  I think my mum can open up as she needs to , but actually quite often will ask us to change the subject after a while.  I know she is scared about what is happening, so this is partly a self-defence thing for her, but we speak about things enough that I think she is comfortable doing so.  Am seeing her for a couple of days this weekend, and we will be talking about what she has decided to do in terms of future treatment, not going to be easy for any of us but we wil all support her.

How are things going for you - you mention you received your diagnosis just before Christmas, which must have been a terrible shock.  I hope things are going ok for you?

Well, thanks again for getting in touch and please take care of yourself,

Catherine x

Hello All,

Forgive me for the long and rambling message to follow - am feeling pretty tired and emotional today, so just need to get a few of the thoughts flying round my head down in writing...

The last week has been tough - we had a couple of days with mum and dad before Easter, and it was hard to leave them as I knew it would be.  But we had promised to go and see my in laws, and it was a nice weekend with them.  But so hard to leave Mum, she was wiped out just from a couple of days with us, and I came away with this horrible image of her in  my mind, being a shadow of her former self.  And this was made all the more upsetting as she knows this and hates it too.

I saw my parents briefly after Easter, they had been staying with my brother and stopped here on the way home.  My mum looked even more tired and was in pain from her back and legs, which had been stopping her sleeping well.  We spoke about our forthcoming holiday, and mum said she didn't think she would be able to go, but still wanted us (as in me, my husband and daughter) to go.  I said we wouldn't want to go without them, as would miss them not being there and would rather have the time with them in a different way.  I wanted to avoid an argument, but she really couldn't understand what I was saying and insisted we go, saying she would be even more upset if we didn't.  It was left at that, as I absolutely was not going to argue with her.

I rang my parents yesterday and it was awful - Dad answered and when he heard my voice, he just broke down.  I was terrified, as could not establish for some time whether something specific had happened.  Mum has apparently been really suffering this week - wiped out tired, in pain, not sleeping and breathless and energy less.  I feel so useless being so far away, and just don't know what to do or think. I think it just hit dad really hard as was a bit of a harsh reminder of what is happening and what lies ahead.  Mum has decided to go ahead with a very aggressive course of treatment, and I think we are all afraid how she will react, how much she will suffer and whether it will do any good anyway.

My mind is in turmoil today - the holiday is not important to me, but I'm afraid of upsetting mum if we don't go, I know if we go I will regret it as would regret not spending the time with her. And I'm worried about saying this to her as don't want it to come across that I know we only have limited time left to spend with her.  And how can I help more with day to day care for her, we live 3 hours away, work are understanding but only to a point, and anyway, it just seems that being with us is too much for mum as leaves her so tired.  My mum feels my daughter should be my priority, and of course I do not want to do anything that detracts from my care for her, but it just seems like maybe mum needs care even more at the moment.  I want to keep everyone happy, but don't want to do things I know I will regret in order to keep the peace.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this rant.

Best wishes to everyone out there,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

You have no need to apologise about rambling or ranting, for this site is the ideal place to do that. I'm often guilty of rambling anyway. 

One of the things I have found about cancer is it turns our lives upside down and causes us great problems regarding making the right choices. It sounds like you have one of those problems right now and whichever choice you make, you may feel guilty or that you have been talked into making a choice you are not happy making. You are in such a difficult situation and I do feel for you.

To know that your dear mother is suffering and getting weaker and that it's upsetting you dad so much must be very painful for you even more so as you don't live close by.     I can tell by what you have written it is taking a big toll on you too Catherine, and you do have to look after yourself too. I hate the way cancer plays so much havoc with our emotions. You have a very delicate balancing act to try and keep the peace and keep everyone happy as you have said.

Please take care, Thinking of you Brian

Hi  Catherine,

I know how difficult that 'holiday question' is and the inner turmoil in brings. Going back just over five years my Dad had planned and paid for a holiday for the whole family to enjoy knowing he only had months at most (prostate/lung cancer). We agreed to go because it would be his last holiday. 3 days before departure he told us he and Mum would not be coming but he insisted (just like your Mum) that he wanted to have the memory of us going away and enjoying ourselves because normal life must continue for those who can manage it. I too was devasted at this thought but we talked and it became apparent it would upset him more if we did not go. We went and I hated every minute of it though the rest of the family rallied round and we did our best. 5 days later I returned to see my Dad and he was eager to hear all about it and how had we enjoyed ourselves.  I was truthful, said the place/hotel etc was lovely and I thanked him for sending us on holiday but I spent all the time worrying about him back at home.  He understood what I was saying but our holiday photos gave him such pleasure in his final weeks that I realised the holiday was not just for  us  but for him too.  Its so hard when you love someone  to be apart and all families are different but in the end I was grateful to my Dad for being so open, letting me continue with my life which to him was far more important as he had lived his as he wanted to and wanted the same for me.

I hate the cancer journey (now doing it with my hubby) but my Dad's outlook on life has left its mark and though my husband is terminal we dont know how long he has  and so we carry on as normal as possible, visiting friends when we want to and having them to us when we can manage it.  Hubby tires easily and some visits are shorter than others. We have to be guided by his feelings as he know how he feels. I still have my nights out (though I am always at the end of the phone).

Brian's right its so hard being a watcher and it takes its toll on us all. Come and rant whenever you need to. You have to unload somewhere and better on the forum than getting upset when you see your Mum.  My hubby tried the aggressive route of treatment (saying he would give anything a go to lengthen his quality of life) and it was never a cure option but we hope he will have longer with us in better health. He is on slow release pain relief and suffers breathlessness when he walks or tackles the stairs but  he knows what he wants and no doubt will give me orders when the time comes.

Please take care of yourself. We all know we cant be in two places at once as much as that would solve so many problems.  Thinking of you during this difficult journey as one of the many going through hell. virtual hugs being sent your way.

Hi Catherine

Sorry I am only getting back to you today after reading your message.  I truly hope that this new course of treatment is a success for your mum Catherine.  I am still praying for her every night so hopefully someone is listening to me.

In relation to the holiday I am afraid that is one decision you have to make yourself.  Do you go but if you are anything like me you wouldn't even enjoy it but everyone is different.

It sounds like Catherine your mum is trying to prepare you for when she is no longer here pointing out to you that your daughter is your main priority.

I remember my uncle doing the same before my granny died.  He was telling my mum that she had to put us first as her family now as she spent her life looking after my granny as she was the youngest of the family.  I can feel myself filling up writing this Catherine and God only knows what is going through your mind at the minute.

Don't you think for one minute you are ranting you are just being honest with the people who know what you are going through.

Take care and thinking about you.

Mickied

Hi All, Brian, Jules and Mickied in particular,and thank you all so much for your kind replies.

Jules, thanks for sharing the story of your Dad and the holiday, but so sorry to hear you have been so touched by cancer already, as well as now going through it with your husband.  Your words about the holiday have been really helpful (see below) .  You are so right that you just have to carry on as normal every day that you can, and it always sounds like your husband has reached a good place mentally which I hope gives you peace of mind as well.

We've had a pretty tough week again, but after much talking and heartache, we have now decided to go ahead with the holiday.  The compromise is that I am up with mum and dad at the moment, and we are going to take some extra time off work after the holiday to come and spend a long weekend with them over the bank holiday.  As you said with your Dad Jules, it became apparent that Mum would be more upset if we didn't go.  I'm still not sure, but I am trying to look on it as time with my husband and daughter as well, and there is never quite enough of that in amongst work and everything else.

Mickied - I think you are right, that Mum is trying to make sure the 3 of us stay strong as a family, partly because it eases her mind to think of us being happy and settled, but also as you say preparation for when she is no longer here to look after her little girl...!  Thank you so much for your continued prayers, it's really feeling at the moment like we need them more than ever.

Brian - thank you as well for getting in touch, you are right that this is taking quite a toll on me - I am not sleeping at all well, especially the last few nights, so I know I need to get on top of that.  I had a long chat with mum last Friday, which was the day she met her Macmillan nurse - it was so weird, in some ways I felt so much better knowing that someone so caring and capable is looking after Mum, but in some ways it was the one thing that really brought home to me what is happening.  I am just pleased to be here with mum today and tomorrow - it is hard as she has deteriorated so much since I saw her just over 2 weeks ago, but we are really hoping that the new treatment, hard as it is, will improve some of her symptoms.  Keeping everything crossed.

Thank you again to all of you, and thinking of you all,

Catherine x