Hi Catherine

There is no need to apologise so you have to stay with the inlaws too.  You sound very close to your parents Catherine a bit like myself and you like to spend some time with them.  I usually spend time with my mum on a Sunday.  We go to the shops to get some groceries and then to the cemetery to leave some flowers for my father.  My father-in-law is also buried in the same cemetery but my husband refuses to visit his grave but has no problem visiting my fathers.

I like what your brother said and I going to act on that but I only have this weekend to do something.  I will get some flowers delivered and some chocolates - dark chocolate is her favourite.

Have you any plans yourself for Mother's Day?  Your inlaws will understand you want to spend more time with your mum and so will your husband.  It just can't be helped.

Thanks for asking still feeling bit down over the weekend I guess tiredness had a lot to do with it I wasn't sleeping too well over the last week or so.  Kept waking up during the night and then couldn't get back to sleep and then up early for work.

Still keeping your mum in my prayers.

Take care

Mickied

Hi mickied - sorry again for not replying sooner, I was away with my parents for a long break and work has been crazy.  How are you now, and how did your Mother's day work out in the end, did you manage to do something for your mum beforehand?  I hope it all worked out.

Our Mother's Day was not so good in the end - Mum had a bad day the day before, so come Mother's Day we were all a bit over tired and emotional.  My daughter was quite unwell over that weekend as well, so we were all worried about her and looking after her kind of took over being with Mum.  The best laid plans and all that I suppose! We did manage to cook a family meal, and sort some details for a short holiday we are going to take with mum and dad soon.

Do let me know how things are and thinking of you,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

Firstly let me say, you are not being selfish at all. I am not a doctor but chemo like any medication, often takes time for its affects to show up and start shrinking the tumour.  So to me as a non medical person the fact that the tumour has only increased a little means that had your mother not had the treatment it may well have grown a lot more. I don't know if you have read the post by Sofia, her chemo didn't seem to be working at first and stopped treatment much like your mother. But she restarted them and now it is working so it might well work the same for your mother.

At the same time, I can understand your mothers reluctance to continue her treatment as it does detract from the quality of life. My own opinion is I feel that you should talk about this with your mother. I know it's a very difficult thing and I do understand what you say when you write that you don't want to feel you are bullying her or trying to force her to do things she doesn't want to do. I feel sure you will make the right decision for both of you.

Sending best wishes to both you and your mother, Brian

Hi Catherine

Have been sorry to read that your Mum's chemo does not appear to have worked and there are very many different reasons(and cancers) where it does not do the trick unfortunately.  I can only look at this from our personal perspective so here goes. My husband has incurable cancer of the lung membranes (diagnosed Feb 12). Had pain relief till October 2012 when after discussions with consultant oncologist he was given the option of a course of chemo to try and hold the cancer back for a while.  He grabbed the opportunity as you can only have this treatment whilst body in reasonable good health!  He had first treatment (bad side effects) second treatment delayed due to blood count problems but went ahead two weeks later (was very ill). More discussions and then had third session (very ill again despite an increase in other drugs to try and control these).  We were half way through proposed treatment (during which he lost 2stone) and he had no quality of life being unable to do much at all because of the side effects.  HE had a scan and it showed a very tiny change but we all sat round a table with his medical/social support team (so grateful for their straightforward and sensible approach) and were advised that his body was being so ravaged by the chemotherapy that it was likely to do more harm than good if he continued treatment and though the decision was ultimately his their advice was to cease now and have a chance of some good times and let his body recover.  This was just before Christmas 2012 and now he is on slow release pain killers, has regained most of the lost weight, can eat and does 2 days a week part time (he is 62 next month) and though we have no idea how long he may or may not have, he is totally at ease with his decision because he does not feel he is suffering. We are going on a short break with the family in April to Sherwood Forest, he cant walk far without being breathless but can still drive and enjoy the change of scene and time with out children and their partners and our 4 yr old grandson so this is the positive side of our lives.

Please dont call yourself selfish. You only want what is best for your Mum and thats what we all want for our loved ones.  If she has had all the facts and is comfortable and thus happy with her decision (you dont reach these decisions easily and its not about giving up but giving yourself a chance to have some good times whilst you still can), I hope that she will find your love and support invaluable and I know from how you write that you will be there when it matters to both of you.  I do sincerely wish you all the very best during this difficult journey. Sadly there are no easy answers (I only wish there were) and hope you dont mind my responding.  Best regards Jules54

Hi Catherine

There is no need to feel sorry for not replying sooner.  Just read about your mum.  I don't think you are selfish at all Catherine in wanting to give your mum the best chance of continuing with her treatment.

I know they said the first cycle of treatment wasn't successful and could a second cyle of chemo help her.  What does her oncologist think about this second course of treatment does he feel it would buy your mum more time.  I don't think there is a definite answer to this one Catherine but I hope and pray that your mum makes the right decision even if it is one you will have to respect her wishes.

Sorry to hear you weren't well over Mother's Day like myself and the rest of the house.  We all came down with the flu and I still have it.  It is very hard to shake off.

Thinking about your and your mum.  You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care

Mickied

Hello Jules54 - thank you as always for taking the time to reply, and sharing more about your story.  Your husband sounds like a wonderful and courageous man, and it seems like he is doing exactly what my Mum is hoping to do - accepting his condition but getting on with life as best he can.  Not that you haven't all been through some ordeals along the way, but your message suggests he is at ease with his decision, and I can only guess that you must take comfort from that as well, especially as he is not suffering.  Great news that he has bounced back so well, and is able to do and enjoy the things you speak about.  One of the hardest things about cancer (and many other illnesses I guess) is that the stuff that's supposed to make you better can actually make things worse - it's hard to get your head around that, and the decision always has to be about weighing up whether the side effects of the treatment are worse than the illness itself, which is in many cases is a guessing game, especially as none of us know how the illness will progress and how quickly...

Your are absolutely right to say that taking these decisions is not about giving up, but is about making the most of the time left, and I completely respect that.  I also respect that it is only a decision that can fully be made by the person suffering from the disease, yes of course we will have feelings and opinions, but ultimately it is not up to us. You say about Mum having all the facts and being comfortable with her decision - I guess I have to reassure myself that this is the case, and if it is then move on and accept things.

Thank you again for all your words of advice and comfort.  I often read your messages on here to others, and it's good to follow your story as I pick up lots of little ideas and ways to think about things differently, which all helps.  I wish you and your husband and family all the very best, and hope you have a lovely family break in April.

Regards, Catherine

Thanks for your response Catherine. Its such a minefield of information out there isn't it.  I came to this site originally as I found I was very frustrated (never mind terified) that my hubby did not want to talk about things and I really was not coping too great with my own feelings which at the time I felt was selfish. Got told off by such a lovely group of people who helped me through my feelings as it gave me an outlet to express myself without upsetting those near and dear to me. My hubby now knows that I chat to people here and like you along the way I have picked up hints and tips. There are so many here in a lot worse situation and I admire them enormously.  I am typing this as my hubby enjoys an afternoon nap and I have the attitude that if he feels okay with his decision I have no right to try to change that (however much I long to wave that magic wand and make things different). We are on a path and no doubt along the way there will be diversions as there always are in life in general. Hell, I am along for the ride and after 36 years of marriage dont plan on giving in just yet. Just hoping the good genes battle a little longer with those baddies.  Wishing you and the family a happy weekend. Take care Jules

Hello Brian - thanks very much for your kind reply, your words make a lot of sense.  I think it is going to be a case of finding the right way and time to talk to Mum, and make sure she realises it is all being said with the best of intentions.  I am sure I will sense fairly quickly if this is her final decision, or if there is any benefit to gently talking to her about a second round of treatment.  As both you and Jules54 have said, I know she will not have made this decision to give up, purely to preserve quality of life for the time she has, however long that may be.

Thanks for telling me about Sofia's story, as stories like that are both important for me to know about, but also great to share with Mum, which I will do.

Hope you are well - I left you a short message on another post yesterday, as saw your Father was unwell so hope there is better news there?

Thank you again for always taking the time to reply, all the best to you

Catherine

Hi Mickied.  How are you all feeling now, have you manged to shake off that nasty flu?  Hope you are now all on the mend.

Things are better here, as my daughter seems to have shaken off her recent bout of illness and has been keeping us busy and smiling over the weekend.

I spoke to my mum yesterday, and I didn't really need to say what I had been thinking as it seems her and my Dad had been thinking along very similar lines.  They have spoken to the oncologist, and she is going to send them some further info about the proposed next lot of chemo, as mum is pretty scared about going through it and needs time to read and digest and ask questions.

We had a holiday lined up with my parents in April, and it is looking unlikely that we will be able to go - whilst I know nothing should get in the way of the treatment, part of me thinks well what is this doesn't work either and we have given up the chance to have that precious time together.  I just hate all the what ifs that go with cancer!

We will be seeing mum and dad for a couple of days at the end of the week, so am looking forward to having the chance to sit down and talk properly.

Take care, Catherine x