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Grandma with TNBC - I feel so overwhelmed and heartbroken watching her decline. I don't know how to support her

Rdavis
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I feel so overwhelmed, never know what to say for the best or how to support her. We haven't been completely told what stage we are at, im guessingstage 4 because of symptoms. All we can see is she is declining fast, hallucinating and seeing things that aren't there and getting angry because we don't see what she is seeing. I'm heart broken to watch my grandma going from being completely independent to being dependent on everyone and watching her just fade away, cancer is just cruel, I feel so angry at the world for allowing this. She's terminal and there is nothing I can do to make it better. I feel so useless. I've never experienced grief, but I'm grieving for her when she isnt gone, I'm hurting so much inside, it's killing me because I don't want to remember her as a cancer patient but who she used to be , it's hard on all the family. Cancer is just evil and it's taking my grandma. I love her so so much and I'm struggling to even accept the fact that she won't be here for much longer. She's the rock of this family. 

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    Hello lovely, 

    Firstly I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're right, cancer is so evil and just so cruel :( Having lost my beautiful Mum 2 months ago to TNBC i wanted to reach out. In the lead up I felt like I was going insane and struggled to cope. My Mum was only 57 so seeing her confused and agitated at the end absolutely broke me. 

    I really hope you have some good support around? As I say, I struggled so much but I used help that was free and accessible like Macmillan and when things really got too much I rang the samaritans a couple of times (you don't need to be suicidal to speak to them) and I just sometimes found that speaking to a complete stranger is easier than people we know. I was seeing a counsellor/therapist during that time too and to be honest I'd have been lost without her during the lead up and even now so if you're not seeing a counsellor or anything and are able to money wise I would really recommend it. 

    Also on YouTube (maybe not for everyone) I watched someone who has a big following called 'hospice nurse Julie'. Her videos are so informative and helpful as everything that panned out with my Mum I kind of knew was coming due to watching her videos. Some of her stuff is comforting, some may be triggering so just be careful x

    It is truly gut wrenching what you're going through. Journalling also helps me just to get it all out. I understand that non of these are the magic answers but please know you're not alone. Sending love and strength. X

  • Offline in reply to StrawberryBear

    Can I ask you because I've never spoken to someone who has gone through TNBC and I understand it's an aggressive cancer and it can spread quickly, my grandma got admitted yesterday with hallucinations. She has pneumonia as well so would the confusion be from the cancer or pneumonia? It's all so confusing and overwhelming with so much information out there, I didn't feel like I was talking to my grandma yesterday, it's like she's changed over night. My concern is it's probably spread to her brain, it's already spread to her lungs. Thank you for your message, I definitely need to speak with someone because honestly this is just absolutely heart breaking. X

  • Offline in reply to Rdavis

    Bless you, my heart goes out to you because I know this painful journey too well and I'm still suffering from the aftermath. 

    So of course I'm no expert and I would imagine on the hallucinating and confusion front that could be definitely down to the cancer or pneumonia or both. It can also be pain medications. That's what I was told when my Mum was in the hospice anyway. Age could be a factor, not sure how old your Grandma is but as I said, my Mum was 57 so when she lost lucidity it was a shock and heart breaking to see because she was a woman that was so full of life and so sharp. 

    I absolutely don't want to scare you or anything because everyone's cancer journey is different but my Mum started with hallucinating around a month before passing but then bless her, she'd snap herself back out of it realising that it's not real if I'm making sense. But pretty much confused, unable to speak and making no sense was around 4 days before passing away. Her body was too weak but she was frustrated and kept trying to get out of bed, she was trying to put the blanket over her head and couldn't even figure out how to get a straw in her cup to drink. So as I said, I'm no expert and everyone is different but the hallucinating is probably a strong indicator of the cancer/pain meds depending what she's on. My Mum was on all sorts because her pain was so bad. 

    My inbox is open if you need a chat because I know how horrendous it feels to be where you are x

  • Offline in reply to StrawberryBear

    Thanks so much for replying, sorry I've been slow, a lot going on, grandma has took a turn for the worse, hospital neglect, so im currently fighting to get her moved. There is a few things but some things are they failed to provide fluids for more then 12 hours, no medication given or pain relief so my poor grandma is in pain, she had a fall 30 hours go and the hospital have only just done an xray. I'm disgusted and heart broken she is being treated this way. Do we not have enough to deal woth right now. Honestly life is cruel 

    But thank for replying it's good to know that I have someone to talk to x

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