Hi Pen

You are not a failure. All the jumble of emotions you are experiencing is quite normal and most partners of a loved one with cancer will recognise what youve said. It is an odd but common thing that friends and family seem to visit less. Perhaps they feel awkward,, dont know what to say or imagine you are too poorly to receive visitors. I joke with my wife perhaps they think cancer is contagious. Be kind to yourself and selfish if you need be to conserve your energy for you and your husband. Be optimistic I too have incurable cancer and on immunotherapy which has given me a better life take each day as it comes. 

Ed

Thank you Ed - this is a rollercoaster isnt it ! But its nice to have here to try to unpick stuff you cant burden, those close to you , with . Thank you for your kind post - i think im going to need a fair bit of propping up going forward and im just not used to being the weakest link