Hi Pen

You are not a failure. All the jumble of emotions you are experiencing is quite normal and most partners of a loved one with cancer will recognise what youve said. It is an odd but common thing that friends and family seem to visit less. Perhaps they feel awkward,, dont know what to say or imagine you are too poorly to receive visitors. I joke with my wife perhaps they think cancer is contagious. Be kind to yourself and selfish if you need be to conserve your energy for you and your husband. Be optimistic I too have incurable cancer and on immunotherapy which has given me a better life take each day as it comes. 

Ed

Thank you Ed - this is a rollercoaster isnt it ! But its nice to have here to try to unpick stuff you cant burden, those close to you , with . Thank you for your kind post - i think im going to need a fair bit of propping up going forward and im just not used to being the weakest link 

Hi Pen2,

I know from experience that sometimes it is easier being a patient than a partner.
Your husband needs to concentrate on his treatment - meanwhile you’re experiencing anticipatory grief, even though you’re hoping for the best. 
Nothing about this experience is normal - we all react differently and at different times.
Please don’t be hard on yourself, it will take time to get your head around this.

Good luck to you both. 
Dave

Thank you - today is a better day - but its really helpful being able to speak the unspeakable so i can knock it out of me.