Waiting to find out if the chemo/ radiotherapy worked.

Hi...

I'm really sorry if anything I have shared below is triggering or insensitive to other people's situations. I'm new here and I haven't spoken to anyone about how I've been feeling. I am the oldest child so I've been trying to hold it together for the sake of my siblings and mum. But below, I've shared a bit of the unmasked feelings and thoughts. 

My mum has just finished 8 weeks of chemo/ radio therapy and I am really struggling with this waiting period. How do you stop yourself from spiralling during the wait?

I won't share too much but she was first offered an operation which would have removed the tumour but after some tests, they decided she wouldn't be healthy enough to have it. So that left only chemo and radiotherapy.

The hospital told her theres a 30-40% chance it will work. 30-40%!! I still can't get my head around how low the % is. Even if it does work, statistically she should have about 5 additional years. If it doesn't work, then her life expectancy drops to 12-18 months. 

I'm struggling so much right now, just waiting. Waiting to find out if it worked. Waiting to find out how long they predict I'll have left with my mum. I'm so anxious and sad about the whole situation. If I think about it for too long, I break down in tears and feel pain everywhere in my chest, my stomach. 

But I'm also so angry. She isn't old enough to die. I'm not old enough to have no parents or adult family members. I desperately wanted to make my mum a grandma (she'd only be known as nana though because apparently "grandma makes you sound old" lol). I wanted time to save up and move her in with me once she retired and look after her in her old age to thank her for everything she did for me. And this is all being taken away. And I know, I'm aware I'm not the one with cancer and I'd never try to say I understand what she's going through. But, right now, with no mask- I don't care. I feel mad, angry, hurt, anxious and a bunch of other things.

I wish there was something I could do to take it away.

  • Hello NatCift19, 

    A warm welcome to our community and don't worry nothing you have shared here is insensitive - the forum is here for you to share your feelings and to talk to others who will truly understand what you are going through. As the oldest in your family, the pressure can be immense to hold it together for your siblings and your mum but you have a right to feel sad or vulnerable yourself and that's why coming here and sharing your emotions in a safe space can be helpful. 

    It's good news though that your mum has finished her treatment - what an important milestone to have got through 8 weeks of chemotherapy and radiotherapy but it's so hard for you to have been told those survival estimates and it's normal to be nervous as you are waiting to find out whether it has worked or not. But whatever the results, it's important to bear in mind that these estimates need to be taken with a big pinch of salt as no one can be sure exactly about someone's life expectancy. Keep strong if you can while you are having to deal with this long anxious wait and I thought I would share with you our helpful tips to help you cope while waiting for important news. 

    You have a right to have all these feelings, being angry, hurt and anxious - it is completely understandable given what you are going through. But I just wanted you to know that you are not alone here and you can truly be yourself and express your frustrations and sadness as much as you want here on Cancer Chat. 

    I will let others who have been through this and can relate to how you are feeling come and say hello and share their story with you. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator