Hi...

I'm really sorry if anything I have shared below is triggering or insensitive to other people's situations. I'm new here and I haven't spoken to anyone about how I've been feeling. I am the oldest child so I've been trying to hold it together for the sake of my siblings and mum. But below, I've shared a bit of the unmasked feelings and thoughts. 

My mum has just finished 8 weeks of chemo/ radio therapy and I am really struggling with this waiting period. How do you stop yourself from spiralling during the wait?

I won't share too much but she was first offered an operation which would have removed the tumour but after some tests, they decided she wouldn't be healthy enough to have it. So that left only chemo and radiotherapy.

The hospital told her theres a 30-40% chance it will work. 30-40%!! I still can't get my head around how low the % is. Even if it does work, statistically she should have about 5 additional years. If it doesn't work, then her life expectancy drops to 12-18 months. 

I'm struggling so much right now, just waiting. Waiting to find out if it worked. Waiting to find out how long they predict I'll have left with my mum. I'm so anxious and sad about the whole situation. If I think about it for too long, I break down in tears and feel pain everywhere in my chest, my stomach. 

But I'm also so angry. She isn't old enough to die. I'm not old enough to have no parents or adult family members. I desperately wanted to make my mum a grandma (she'd only be known as nana though because apparently "grandma makes you sound old" lol). I wanted time to save up and move her in with me once she retired and look after her in her old age to thank her for everything she did for me. And this is all being taken away. And I know, I'm aware I'm not the one with cancer and I'd never try to say I understand what she's going through. But, right now, with no mask- I don't care. I feel mad, angry, hurt, anxious and a bunch of other things.

I wish there was something I could do to take it away.