Hi Lauran1902, 

I just came across your post and wanted to let you know that I'm sending all my strength and support to you at this very challenging time.

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and the impact his diagnosis has had on you and your relationship. This must be an incredibly difficult, especially when you feel unappreciated and unloved for all that you are doing to support him. 

I know it will be tough, but do you think you could share how you are feeling with him as well as your concerns about your relationship? If this isn't possible at the moment, then do make sure you seek comfort and support for yourself either through your friends and family or your GP as you need, and deserve, some TLC on this journey too.

I'm glad counselling is available to you through the palliative care team and that they're being so helpful in your time of need, but if you feel you may benefit from further counselling then maybe you could ask your GP about this as they may be able to refer you and make you aware of other services in your area that can offer support to you as well.

I'm not sure if you have come across this cancer charity already, but many of our members have found Maggie's to be really helpful on their cancer journeys. They offer free expert care and support to anyone that has been affected by cancer and even have centres set up across the UK that you can visit if there's one close by.

You can also speak to our cancer nurses about any of this on 0808 800 4040, Monday - Friday between 9a.m - 5p.m. They're very easy to talk to and will do all they can to support you.

I'm really glad you have managed to find some solace from others on the forum who are going through this too, and I hope knowing you are not alone will provide you with some much needed strength at this time. 

In the meantime, try to take things one day at a time Lauran1902 and remember, that we'll always be here for you.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Steph,

Thank you so much for your reply.  It really helps to know that someone is listening.  I have friends and family, some of whom want to offer advice/opinion, but I have found that unless someone has experience of this particular occurrence, i.e. partner/husband/wife dying of a progressive disease in which they are the carer, then they have little of value to say.  That's not that I don't appreciate it, but that they usually don't know what they are talking about which is understandable.  Because they don't.  And it all adds to my frustration because I have to be 'nice' to them and thank them while knowing that it is all a waste and all I want them to do is say, 'I don't know what to say but I am thinking of you and if there's anything I can do, please call me'.  

I have tried to broach the subject of our strained relationship with my husband, but he is still in denial/avoidance and it just causes conflict, which makes matters worse.  As it happens, for some reason his 5th cycle of chemo, which was due today, was cancelled and postponed to next week without so much as a by your leave from the consultant.  He is struggling with symptoms and I am  terrified of how this is setting him back, but his lack of energy has at least left him without the energy to argue with me, and life (sadly) has become suddenly quiet and appreciative.  How weird is that?

I have heard of Maggie's and looked into it a while ago because it seemed to fit just what I needed, but there are no centres anywhere near us.  But I am grateful for the support offered here on this forum.  It takes the place of a massive scream from the heart.  I have been through two divorces (this is my third marriage) and I think this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do; I'm sure it will get harder and while others may sympathise, they think we spend our time gazing into each others' eyes reminiscing about the good times.  It's not like that, though, is it?

Once again, thank you, Steph.

Kind regards

Lauran1902  

Hi Lauran1902.  I am so sorry to read your post.  Cancer is a *** journey to be on, not only for your husband, but for you too.  I think we all deal with it differently and there is no right or wrong way.  You are right there is no gazing into each others eyes reminiscing just trying to live each and every day.  One thing is no doctor can be 100% of your life expectancy.  I have metastatic breast cancer and it has spread into my pelvis, spine, ribs and skull.  The doctor told me it is not terminal.  It is incurable but treatable.  A lady on another forum has secondary lung cancer and was given 12 months and that was 8 years ago so doctors can get it wrong.  There are new treatments and trials coming out all the time.  I don't really know what to say but I am sorry you are having such a horrible time and let you know that you are not alone.  The Macmillan website is really good and I phoned them and they organized councelling for me.  Perhaps you could call them and get some support.  Good luck and big hugs.

Lee x

Thank you, Lee.  I'm finding this forum so helpful when I'm feeling adrift and frightened.  I'm also getting counselling with our local Palliative Care Team who are fabulous.  I'm taking on board all the advice I get from everyone who has experienced this.  Thanks for your wishes and I wish you well on your own cancer 'journey'.  May you live a long and comfortable life.  

Laura xx