Who do I turn to when verbal abuse becomes violence

My husband has an aggressive brain tumour and has been told he can expect to live for another six months.  He had always been a kind, gentle and placid person, but has become verbally abusive at the slightest thing.  It could be the interpretation of a look, how I ask a question, whether I choose to speak or not, whether I turn a light on or off etc.  He accuses me of saying things I have not and does not remember things he has agreed to. In public he still presents as the same calm and gentle man he was, but behind closed doors he is totally different.

This change in his personality is causing me a lot of distress and I am now frightened of him.  I try to avoid him if possible, I only speak when spoken to, go to bed early or late etc.  If the abuse changes from verbal to physical should I call 999 and are the police trained to deal with someone like my husband?  Would he be dealt with in the same way that any other abusive partner would or would he be sectioned because he has 'a mental problem'.

I wanted our last months together to be a time to make happy memories.  I don't want to remember my husband for the wrong reasons or wish him gone before his time. I have contacted his doctor regarding the changes, but not said that I am concerned for my own safety.  I have to be careful in case he finds out that I have been discussing him 'behind his back'.

  • No idea how or if the tumour is causing a personality change, but the red flag is, he's acting normal around everyone else. That said, domestic abuse is domestic abuse, no matter which way you swing it. Cancer doesn't give anyone a free hall pass to abuse another person.

    If you're genuinely concerned about your safety, you're needing to remove yourself from the situation. In a place of safety, you can then contact whoever and speak about your husband's behaviour. Whether it be a treating doctor, Maggies etc, there will be someone to advise you. Your health and wellbeing should not be underplayed here. You shouldn't be living in fear.

  • Hi Timmysmom,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. Firstly, I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this behaviour from your husband. This must be making things very difficult and I understand you are rightly concerned for your safety.

    There are organisations you can speak to for support at any time - even if it's a case of going for a walk and making a phone call while you're out.

    Refuge is the domestic abuse organisation for women and children and they have a free 24/7 helpline you can call for advice. Their contact number is 0808 2000 247 - do give them a call when you can.

    You can report the abuse to the police, and always contact them on 999 if you believe you are at risk of immediate harm or danger.

    And do please keep us posted on here too. We are always here for support and it is a safe space to write things down and reach out to others.

    Look after yourself and let us know how you're getting on.

    Best wishes,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator