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Friend with cancer has turned volatile

Poiuytrewq
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Hey all

Just writing this post out of desperation as i don't know what to do. 

My colleague/friend has recently been diagnosed with kidney cancer.

Just for some background, we ar both in our early 30s. We have always had a rocky and toxic  relationship which did involve a fling for a time and it has always been a very turbulent relationship but we would text everyday and were very close. 

Obviously upon hearing the news we have dropped any issues we had and I have trying to be supportive and tried to help in any way I can. Our relationship has always predominately been very text heavy but I have been texting to check in every day, trying to distract him when he feels stressed/worried and trying to support in any way that he needed as well as meeting up a few times 

However over the last few days he has completely turned on me, ripping apart my character and started being extremely volatile and hurtful saying very hurtful things like i 'wished this on him' and that my support is a 'facade' and if I don't respond fast enough he says that I have 'abandoned him in a time of need' it's just a stream of nasty messages from morning to night. 

I am a bit shaken by all this, before diagnosis he did have spats of rage but now I cannot retaliate because I'd the sympathy I feel for him going through this.

I have had to say that I need to take a step back a bit for my own mental health but now I feel like the world's worst person when he is going through so much and I just don't know what to do. I understand he may feel angry due to all that is happening to him but I'm finding it very hard to know how to help when he is treating me like this. I also am conscious that I don't eant to add more stress to his life

Am I a bad person for having to take a step back? 

  • Offline

    Hello,

               Speaking as a stage 4 survivor l can tell you that lashing out in the initial weeks after a positive diagnosis is par for the course. Your mind goes into a negative meltdown as you wildly swing around desperately trying to find solid ground in a future where all you see is a dark abyss. It becomes easier to lash out because your mind iscompletely overloadedand will remain so until you can come to terms with it.

    You also have to allow for the fact that you will not wish you transfer the incredible pain you are suffering to transfer to the ones you care about, seeing it as infective. It will take timefor you to see black and white again rather than the explosion of violent colour..

    Time is the answer, most of us cannot maintain a high level of anger indefinitely.

    Are you a bad person for stepping back?, NO, NO,NO, if not by doing so it drives you away from future support of one you care about. Being there but a little less initially would be a good strategy, allowing them to come back to you in time on their terms. Believe me when l tell you that they will need support, it just takes time for them to realise that.

    If there is a Maggies centre near you,  suggesting they make contact where they can unload some of their burden on a third party would be a great help, they are wonderful places filled with those that have been there or are going through much the same. The accusations that are hurled towards you that you cannot possibly understand do not work there, and a cam gentle understanding oasis of peace helps you to regain solidity under your feet and a clearness in your outlook. leaving the path back to those that matter to you, once again in clear vision

    Go gently, softly and avoid confrontational hurt and hopefully time will resolve the situation you currently find yourself in. Cancer never affects just the sufferer, its never a rile but a sawn off shotgun,

    Good luck.

    David

  • Offline in reply to gruntifen

    Hey David, 

    Thank you so much for the insight and the suggestions, has really helped me understand what he might be having to process and why he is reacting in this way 

    Really appreciate your response!

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