husband with stage4 lung cancer

hello. My husband has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. this came as a shock after a pulmonary embolism and fluid in lungs. I am caring for him at home but am disabled myself and get very tired and sore. he is great and wants me to rest etc. My problem just now is that I can't stop crying. If i meet some on e new, even on phone re treatment etc, or a neighbour or even if i see someone we know for first time since diagnosis- i cry, big ugly gasping tears. I cry each morning and at night and even as i write this. People are kind but i am worn out with all the crying.. i distract by being busy but that leaves me done in at end of the day too. How do I become more resilient? I have always been an emotional person but this feels too much. And i hate crying in front of him. He retired last year and we were looking froward to having a lovely retirement together. I feel robbed of that and set adrift somehow. Can anyone help with the crying aspect. I know it is anticipatory grief but I am not dealing well with it. Thank you.

  • Welcome to the forum, charlotte61.

    I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds like you're carrying a heavy load right now, caring for your husband while dealing with your own disabilities so it's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and emotional.

    First off, it's okay to cry. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to acknowledge them. But I totally get that the constant tears can be exhausting and leave you feeling drained.

    Remember to reach out for support. Talking to friends, family, or even a support group can make a huge difference. Giving yourself a break and practicing mindfulness techniques like deep breathing or meditation can also help manage those intense emotions.

    Also, there's a page on our website with ideas on how to support someone with cancer. I hope this can be of help. And most importantly, be kind to yourself. This is a tough situation, and it's okay to feel however you're feeling. Just know that you're not alone, and there are people here to listen whenever you feel like a chat.

    All the best,

    Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Hi Charlotte61, I’m so sorry to read your plight, I too am going through the very same. My husband only started to cough and feel unwell in December 2023, February 14 he got diagnosed with stage 4 small cell lung cancer also in liver and adrenal gland (I think it’s now in his brain too). He was initially told he may only have 6 weeks and we’re over 5 weeks in now with results from bronchoscopy later today. I cry at the simplest kind word “how are you” “how’s he doing?” “Here if you need anything”. I agree, it’s exhausting, we've (you and I) never been through anything so devastating and don’t know how to respond, react, help! It’s frustrating and oh so sad. It’s like I’m already grieving. I try and want to make the rest of his days the best they can be but he’s so weak. Crying is good for you, you need to release it all but I know how draining and even embarrassing sometimes when you can’t have a conversation without bawling your eyes out. I had a reiki session today, 45 minutes of pure relaxation, it’s important to take time for yourself. Meditation apps on your phone can be great to relax. You will get through this, give yourself time and never hold back from friends and family. Much love, Rachel xx

  • Thank you Rachel. My heart breaks for you. This is all unknown territory for us. I know we will get thru this , because we have to but thinking about it brings many tears again.I know I need to take time for myself but I feel guilty too for needing this. you will understand. I want to be able to go out  sometimes even just to sit in car somewhere but wont leave him unattended. Plus, it is a busy time with nurses in and out and prescription deliveries and food deliveries. I am grateful for all of this but it is emotional and exhausting. Plus my husband's cough is so bad and It makes me cry to see how debilitated it makes him. I am glad you had Reiki. it would have been restorative for you. take care xx