Hi Katiez24,

Welcome to Cancer Chat. I saw your post and wanted to send a reply. I'm sorry to hear of the situation with your partner and that you are experiencing these difficulties - it sounds really tough.

It sounds like you have done a lot to try to help him. Ultimately there is only so much that you can do, and you also have to prioritise yourself and your daughter. I can understand you feeling bad, but try not to feel guilty as you have done so much and need to look after yourself and your daughter.

I'm not sure if you are still receiving support from social services, but if he is becoming a threat then do be sure to seek help to prevent this. There is also some guidance from Citizens Advice about this, in case this is useful. Also, please keep in mind that at https://famanon.org.uk/ they have a forum similar to Cancer Chat where you can get help and support from people who maybe going through similar ordeals. https://adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/ has a helpline as well as other support services. Lastly, call 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 or visit their website https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ if you think it can help.

I hope that this forum can be of some help to you - it is a safe space to write things down and to reach out to others. We are always here if you need it, so do keep in touch if you need any support at all.

Wishing you all the best,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

Dear Katie,

I'm so sorry for all you are going through - your loved one's cancer, plus now addiction and separation, and single parenthood, are a whole lot of mountains for one woman to be going through! So I am glad you have encouraged your loved one to go to AA. You can't however force him to keep going, as I'm sure you know and regret. So of most importance is that you look after yourself -  so I hope you can find the time to go to Al Anon, the self-help organisation for the families and friends of alcoholics, and/or N Anon, for the relatives of people using narcotics. They help people accept that we have no power over anyone except ourselves, and how to be compassionate without 'enabling' the loved one's addiction (e.g. by giving them money when they wasted all their own on drink or drugs. This doesn't actually help, so please don't feel guilty when you say 'No').

I get that you are very busy and stressed, but they also have on-line groups, if if is difficult for you to attend meetings. I know from personal experience that they can be wonderfully inspiring programmes, and can be a source of great strength and of friendship, from others who will understand your pain and fears.

Paranoia, by the way, is a common symptom of cocaine addiction - and very hard to be on the receiving end of. So please so not feel guilty about prioritising your daughter's safety and security, and your own. If he is ever to get well - and many addicts who stick with these programmes DO get well, even when they have numerous other problems and illnesses like cancer - he will do so only by accepting that HE has to take responsibility for himself. 

I wish you healing and recovery, and trust that one day you will again find light in your life. God bless.