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Helpless - Today my husband found out he only has months left. How can I support him?

Empowell
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Hello

I'm sure I'm not the only person feeling this way, but have any of you experienced or are experiencing that feeling of helplessness whilst caring for your loved one 

Yesterday my husband gathered the strength to spend time on the sofa for a few hours to try to celebrate his 50th birthday with myself, his son and his parents. Today the oncologist advised he has only a few months remaining.

Whilst it was clear he was on this pathway following significant progression, hospital admissions and numerous visits from the hospice at home team, he still had hope that there would still be some cutting edge treatment to keep him here longer.

Today that changed, I saw the realisation that his fight was weakening and hope reducing. Discussions around DNR being futile as advised by the oncologist and respect forms needing to be updated to reflect. 

Today I felt like I lost a part of my husband, like something in my heart shifted, it broke. The realisation that he would be leaving us in the not so distant future. No matter what words I tried to find, I could bring him no comfort. 

I have felt for many weeks that regardless of the practical things I support him with, it just never feels like enough. He asks me questions about what it's going to feel like, will he be in pain and I'm unable to give him the answers he seeks. I try to bring reassurance but again, my words do not cut it. 

How best do I navigate this stage? How best can I support him?

He's already maintained he wants to die at home.

Thank you for listening

Emma

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    I have no words, because, yeah, words simply don't cut it. An awful situation all round, as you well know. I'm gonna find it for you, but there is an absolute gem of a thread around here (a lotta reading, but a lot can be skipped) detailing a member's journey looking after her husband during his terminal diagnosis. A day to day diary of sorts. And it's not all doom and gloom. It might take a day or 2 to find the thread, but I'll do it. It will give you some insight into the ups and downs you could face, but everyone's journey is different. It's a thread that left a mark on me during my wife's cancer journey. Had it not been for that thread, I'd have gone mad. She unwittingly dug me out of a hole.

  • Offline in reply to ProfBaw

    Oh that is so incredibly kind, thank you so very much. 

  • Offline in reply to Empowell

    I have found the thread, and because you only got the news recently, i would maybe give yourself some time before reading it as to get your head around your own situation. There's around 300 pages, and as i said previously, a lot can be skipped.

    I found the thread a godsend. As someone on the caring side of the diagnosis, i was struggling, and struggling badly at times because the reality for many people, you're left on your own to deal with stuff and frustration and anger can creep in. I felt the worst person walking this earth at times because my emotions were all over the place. But when you read someone's day to day account, you realise all the emotions you will encounter along the way are normal especially when you find yourself struggling, with no help and seeing the person you love suffer.

    Always remember, whatever life throws at you along the way, you matter too. Do not ever be shy when it comes to seeking help from others if you find yourself sinking into a dark pit of despair. I found Maggies and the woman that created the linked thread invaluable. There's no handbook for this, and sometimes you just have to wing it for want of a better term. I promise you, though, it's not all bad. You will both laugh again.

    cancerchat.cancerresearchuk.org/.../stay-strong

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    Hi Emma

    I went through this with my husband in late 2021,and there are no easy words.He passed away 7 weeks after diagnosis.

    You will find the strength and the way forward.

    My thoughts are with you and your family.

  • Offline in reply to ProfBaw

    Thank you so very much. Some really good insights here. 

    My husband was diagnosed 18 months ago and has had chemo for four months and again for seven months. Sadly the disease continued to progress regardless.

    He remained fairly fit and well and even in October the consultant advised he had between 1-2 years remaining. However since then he's revised the prognosis to "a few months remaining" and his condition has rapidly declined. He now has regular visits from the hospice at home team to revise medication to keep him pain free and comfortable. 

    I suppose it's easy to just believe that there will be this cutting edge cure and not accept the fate of what will happen. 

    I believe the next few weeks will be for him to understand and accept the developments. It's a very scary time for him, so this information along with others will certainly help me support him.

    Thank you 

  • Offline in reply to Pug07

    Thank you for your kind words and sorry for your loss

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