I can relate to this because when my wife was going through chemo, she ended up in hospital after each and every chemo cycle with massive temp spikes, and other stuff going on. One of those times was over Christmas, and whilst I'm not big on Christmas myself, she is and it wasn't the same without her that year. i too sat in the house, a picture of misery and worry.

Sorry, it's not an uplifting post, and i don't want to patronise you will well-worn cliches etc, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling how you are. Some of us have been there and know exactly how you're feeling. The good news is, they've identified the culprit, and that's a positive amongst a deluge of crap. They can treat it properly now.

Thank you so much for your reply.  I know it’s just another day but we normally spend it together.  In fact I am spending the day in Critical Care, do at least we’re together at the moment. Yes must hang on to the  positive but finding it difficult.  Thank you again. x

Hi Jenny.  I agree cats are amazing.  Mine are called Moon, Roja and Rosa.  They do know that I’m sad, or at least different.  Roja was very fond of my partner and she is spending a lot of time looking out of the window, I’m sure she’s waiting for him to come home.   

What lovely names for your cats ,and yes if only they could talk but they definitely will sense things ,they bring calm and peace and are good company ,I hope you keep chatting on here if and when you feel the need ,there are some lovely understanding people on here I find ,who have gone through things and come out the other end well .

Thank you so much for your message Jenny.  My cats have all disappeared upstairs at the moment but tp2 of them are staying with me at night.  The need I have at the moment is that I could chat all the time.  I feel so so lonely and scared.  Something I don’t really know what to do about as I’ve never felt like this before.  x

During the summer, and for the first time ever, we had a Vixen with her fox cub make their home under a shed. So they were out and about every night. The Vixen was actually quite bold. She would come and take food from very close proximity, and would casually just go about her business next to you. The cub was inquisitive, but more wary. Come around 9pm at night, you'd look out the kitchen window and the vixen would be sat waiting for it's food.

One of the neighbours works with wildlife and said they aren't aggressive by nature, and don't bother cats. In fact, it tends to be cats that will tell them to sling their hook. What i will say, the first time you hear a vixen do her screech, you will never forget it. It's like something out of a horror movie. Like someone being skinned alive. It's a horrid noise. If i heard that call out camping in the middle of nowhere, I'd have assumed i had walked into the Blair witch Project.

Hi Prof.  Love this story.  There used to be a few urban foxes where I lived in London.  I never heard a noise quite like that but they did make a strange sound.  Perhaps vixens are the only screechers.  Ours must have been dog foxes. You have such an imagination x

This is how dull my life is, that i now even know this. Male foxes have dog like barks, females screech like a banshee out of some horror movie. A quick search of youtube will let you hear their calls. They are truly terrifying. Wish this forum would allow photos, because we get all sorts in our garden. Squirrels, birds of all kinds, birds of prey, even had an owl not so long ago (first wild one I've ever seen), hedgehogs etc. All we're needing to finish off the wildlife bingo card is a deer and badger. We don't even stay in the middle of nowhere, we're just on the outskirts of Edinburgh.

Any plans for going out? It's cold here, but dry for a change. But just in case you missed the last 10 storms, yet another one is due tomorrow. They're never ending.

Sounds lovely where you are. We obviously had male foxes.  Photos would be good.  I have to go out today to the Registrar to register the death.  Luckily a friend is going with me.  I think I had my worst day so far yesterday.  Still not brilliant, but trying to get must do things done.  The weather here is pretty windy and rainy.  Are you ok?  xx

Yeah, can't complain. Happier all the festive nonsense is over (said in the first post, i wasn't big on Christmas. I get called the Grinch). Here in Scotland, it drags on for an extra day, so everything was still closed today. Much prefer Easter because it's not so much in your face. Jeez, just read that back. I really am a misery at this time of year.  Maybe the family are onto something.

So how did the registrar go? Hopefully all went quickly and smoothly?

For some reason, half my post is missing. I was commenting on how you're still only mere days out from the worst day in your life, so it will take a lot of time for you to even begin to wade through all that grief. I did say more than that, but paranoid it fails to post this too

Glad you are enjoying the Christmas break

The registrar was very nice and it went well and I managed to keep it together.  One of my lovely friends came with me and  made me eat something afterwards, which I am fiinding very difficult.  The problem is, I feel choked up all the time and eating is quite difficult.  Thank you for your kind words.  I wish this choked up feeling would go, I wish I could sleep and I wish I could stop crying.  The evenings and nights  are definitely the worst times.  Everything seems so pointless.  Sorry, I’m obviously feeling a bit sorry for myself.  Wxx

Glad you are enjoying the Christmas break

The registrar was very nice and it went well and I managed to keep it together.  One of my lovely friends came with me and  made me eat something afterwards, which I am fiinding very difficult.  The problem is, I feel choked up all the time and eating is quite difficult.  Thank you for your kind words.  I wish this choked up feeling would go, I wish I could sleep and I wish I could stop crying.  The evenings and nights  are definitely the worst times.  Everything seems so pointless.  Sorry, I’m obviously feeling a bit sorry for myself.  Wxx

Don't say sorry. You've nothing to apologise for. About the eating, i suffered from that too when my wife was really ill in the hospital through out her treatment. What i found worked for me was light snacks spread throughout the day, rather than the usual 2 meals (lunch and dinner) I have per day. I actually found plates of food daunting, and i even found whole sandwiches daunting. I was forcing myself to eat just to survive, but felt nauseous at the thought of eating. Like my throat would just tighten up at the thought. What i found easy to eat was those Knorr chicken noodle soups that come in those small packs. I just found solids literally too difficult to swallow. I spoke to a doctor about that because I'm not overweight, but i was losing weight, so i was going under. I think i dropped to just under 10st, whilst my healthy weight is 11 1/2. She said to stick to soups and anything that is easy to swallow.

If you find something you can stomach, just stick to that, It's stress and anxiety that causes you to feel like that, and it messes with your appetite and your neck muscles. Everything that's needed to eat.

Has your sleeping improved at all or still as bad?

I have a fridge full of food, some of which I’ve now had to throw out because I just don’t fancy it.  I quite often have a smoothie for breakfast so have tried to make them more substantial so they give me more calories.  Baby food might be the answer or may be not.  I just feel so exhausted and choked up and wonder if I’m ever going to feel ok again?  I’m still not sleeping.  In fact I hate the idea of going to bed.  Thank you very much for your kind advice regarding the eating plan.  Much appreciated.   I must say I’m feeling a bit selfish, continuing to complain, especially since others must be experiencing similar things to me.  

It's your thread, your space to vent, complain, cry or whatever you feel like doing. Don't feel like you're overdoing the grief part, you're not. Some people have others around them to share their grief with, some people don't. Your life has been turned upside down, and nothing prepares you for this. Nothing even prepares you for being sat in a room being told your partner has cancer. You think you have it all sussed out how you will react receiving such news, but until you've walked the walk, you don't know. Sitting in a hospital watching the person you love on the edge is traumatising. My wife is 2 years out from treatment, and I'm still traumatised by some of the stuff i witnessed. I'm only glad our kid chose to remain at school. I've been on propranolol (for severe anxiety) since all this and it's been 2 years. I wish i could say things get better, but I'm feeling exactly like i did 2 years ago. Without medication, i would probably not be functioning as i am. So here i am 2 years later, and here you are a handful of days later dealing with something more life changing.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The fact you're even talking is a massive thing. Some people just shut themselves away and sink ever deeper into that pit of despair. You know yourself you have to still face the second-worst part of all this in a few days day with the funeral, so, no you're not complaining at all.  Don't just disappear from here because you think you're putting a downer on things.

I was supposed to mention this in another post, but my name is Keith. Feels wrong, remaining behind some forum name i conjured up in 2 seconds.

Hi Keith, it’s nice to know your name.  I am of course not Urbanlily.  My name is Wendy.  When I realised my lovely Steve had cancer, I was surprised but the treatment outcome seemed very positive.  I’m thinking of asking my GP for something to help me get through this.  I’m not trying to avoid working through the situation but sometimes I just want to feel a bit more relaxed.  I am normally quite an outgoing, sociable person and the idea of grieving in solitude is my worst nightmare.  However, my normal outgoing, sociable self seems to be in reverse.  I actually don’t recognise my personality at the moment.  It is such an antithesis to how I am.  I would much rather talk than try to do everything alone.  I’m definitely more of a socialite than a loner.  I really do appreciate our conversations.  Wx

All the regulars around here are really nice people, and have their own stories, and a nicer bunch of people you will never meet. So please never think people are thinking you shouldn't be complaining.

I think the real problem is the lack of sleep. Once that returns somewhat, you'll begin to feel semi-human again. From experience, i would leave sleeping tablets as a last resort. I tried them for 2 nights and hated them. They kinda worked, but it didn't feel like a natural sleep. Plus, you can become very reliant on them. I got given something else, but the name escapes me, and they were awful too. Propranolol doesn't zombie you. You still feel yourself. The first week on them, i felt kinda tired, but never felt the need to lie down for a sleep. They block your adrenaline (beta blockers) so you lose that knot in your stomach, and that constant on edge feeling. I didn't even think they were working until I realised i no longer had that on edge feeling and the knot in my stomach. They're nothing like Valium etc. Valium, zombifies me. I initially didn't want anything, but my blood pressure was going high due to the stress and anxiety, so i was given them. Blood pressure returned back to normal.

This isn't me preaching to you for drinking a bottle of wine the other night, but that is a very easy trap to fall into without even realising it. You begin to think, i can't sleep, but i slept like a baby after drinking that vodka, so i know it works. I lost my dad at a young age (around when i was 18), and drink was the only thing that got me to sleep. It nearly killed me.

Hi Keith.  Thank you for your reply.  I guess I’m not used to discussing such difficult feelings.  A new experience for me.  I think you’re right about the sleep.  I got a bit more last night so still feel exhausted but not so bad.  I have to say, I’m not really a fan of sleeping tablets or tranquilizers.  Had a bad experience with them when I was younger, but they may be more sophisticated now.  I would love to lose that stomach knot.  It’s awful. I spoke to the funeral directors this morning and have an appointment on Monday and as usual recently I burst into tears.  They were very kind.  I agree about the alcohol.  Definitely something to be careful about, but it did give me a few hours of “relief”.  Lovely to talk to you as always x

Hi Wendy.

Thought i'd give you a few days to sort some of the stuff out before popping back in, plus I had a migraine and couldn't look at this white screen for a few days for too long, and didn't want to type much in case you responded and i had you ignore you for a couple of days. Weirdly, the days following the migraine are always worse than the actual day of the headache. Have to wear sunglasses for a few days.

Enough about me, have you made any progress with your sleeping? How is your eating? Improved any?

Lovely to hear from you Keith.  Sorry  you haven’t felt too well.  Hope you’re ok now.   I have decided to sleep on a futon type bed downstairs.  I hate trying to sleep in our bedroom at the moment.  My eating is a bit better although I still feel that my stomach is being consumed by maggots.  Organised the funeral today.  A friend came with me.  We went for a coffee and a walk by the river.  I kept it together until we parted on the way home and I burst into tears in the street but I didn’t  care. I couldn’t stop it anyway.    I have joined a place where they do yoga, meditation, tai chi etc.  I know it won’t stop the feelings but may be it will give me a bit more balance.  No idea yet though.  Thank you so much for asking.  Much appreciated.  Wx

I was going to suggest sleeping elsewhere if you could, because that could have been half the problem. But didn't know your set-up, and didn't want to just assume. Some people get comfort from it, but I'm like you, just too much to deal with. When my wife was in hospital all those weeks, the bed felt like the loneliest place in the world.

Organising the funeral was always going to be a massive moment because that surreal feeling will still be cushioning you to an extent, and that just adds another layer of reality to things. Glad your eating has improved, albeit slightly. But better than going the other way.

I tried yoga once, and it nearly put me in hospital. hahaha. Since i was in my early 20's I've suffered from back issues, and the doctor said to try it. Oooft, i could barely walk for a week. I've seen folk 90+ in better condition than i was after that. Now middle aged, and it would probably do a lot more damage now. Walking and swimming is about my limit now. Used to go mountain climbing, but too paranoid I'd have a back episode halfway up somewhere like Ben Nevis.

My portable bed arrangement doesn’t make my front rom look very tidy but I díd feel a bit better and hopefully it’s only temporary.  For some reason I feel frightened at night, another new experience, so still not sleeping brilliantly.  I have to notify everybody about the funeral and a myriad other things.  I took some herbal ‘tranquilizers’ yesterday.  Feel a bit strange today.  Perhaps they aren’t for me.   I haven’t done yoga for a long time either, so not sure about it.  Sorry to hear about your back but swimming a great exercise.  I won’t be trying Ben Nevis either.  I just wish I could feel ‘normal’ again.  Wx