I can relate to this because when my wife was going through chemo, she ended up in hospital after each and every chemo cycle with massive temp spikes, and other stuff going on. One of those times was over Christmas, and whilst I'm not big on Christmas myself, she is and it wasn't the same without her that year. i too sat in the house, a picture of misery and worry.

Sorry, it's not an uplifting post, and i don't want to patronise you will well-worn cliches etc, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling how you are. Some of us have been there and know exactly how you're feeling. The good news is, they've identified the culprit, and that's a positive amongst a deluge of crap. They can treat it properly now.

Thank you so much for your reply.  I know it’s just another day but we normally spend it together.  In fact I am spending the day in Critical Care, do at least we’re together at the moment. Yes must hang on to the  positive but finding it difficult.  Thank you again. x

Also I love cats too!! I have 2 myself. I hope they are helping you get through it all? X

Hi Urbanity,

This was in no way a criticism. You are certainly entitled to a drink at Hogmany and, as I said above, I hope that you raised a glass to your partner. It was just a gentle reminder that alcohol is not the crutch that it seems at this stage, as Prof Baw's experience shows.

You need never feel alone, bow that you have found this forum. I am always here, if you want to chat.

Kindest regards,

Jolamine xx

Cats are amazing creatures I have a girl her name is "Lola"  I swear she knows when I'm sad they can be a great comfort at times ,my advice would be to take each Day as it comes or even each moment and eventually you will get through this terribly sad episode in your life x

Haha. She sounds absolutely fantastic.  Obviously a character and a bit of a diva.

Thank you for your message idk-idk1234.  I do appreciate it.  I have to get through this for my lovely cat family.  

Hi Jolamine.  I didn’t think you were criticising me, rather I was admonishing myself because I know long term this isn’t the answer.  I just wanted the pain to stop for a couple of hours. Thank you for your support.  x

Hi Jenny.  I agree cats are amazing.  Mine are called Moon, Roja and Rosa.  They do know that I’m sad, or at least different.  Roja was very fond of my partner and she is spending a lot of time looking out of the window, I’m sure she’s waiting for him to come home.   

What lovely names for your cats ,and yes if only they could talk but they definitely will sense things ,they bring calm and peace and are good company ,I hope you keep chatting on here if and when you feel the need ,there are some lovely understanding people on here I find ,who have gone through things and come out the other end well .

Thank you so much for your message Jenny.  My cats have all disappeared upstairs at the moment but tp2 of them are staying with me at night.  The need I have at the moment is that I could chat all the time.  I feel so so lonely and scared.  Something I don’t really know what to do about as I’ve never felt like this before.  x

During the summer, and for the first time ever, we had a Vixen with her fox cub make their home under a shed. So they were out and about every night. The Vixen was actually quite bold. She would come and take food from very close proximity, and would casually just go about her business next to you. The cub was inquisitive, but more wary. Come around 9pm at night, you'd look out the kitchen window and the vixen would be sat waiting for it's food.

One of the neighbours works with wildlife and said they aren't aggressive by nature, and don't bother cats. In fact, it tends to be cats that will tell them to sling their hook. What i will say, the first time you hear a vixen do her screech, you will never forget it. It's like something out of a horror movie. Like someone being skinned alive. It's a horrid noise. If i heard that call out camping in the middle of nowhere, I'd have assumed i had walked into the Blair witch Project.

During the summer, and for the first time ever, we had a Vixen with her fox cub make their home under a shed. So they were out and about every night. The Vixen was actually quite bold. She would come and take food from very close proximity, and would casually just go about her business next to you. The cub was inquisitive, but more wary. Come around 9pm at night, you'd look out the kitchen window and the vixen would be sat waiting for it's food.

One of the neighbours works with wildlife and said they aren't aggressive by nature, and don't bother cats. In fact, it tends to be cats that will tell them to sling their hook. What i will say, the first time you hear a vixen do her screech, you will never forget it. It's like something out of a horror movie. Like someone being skinned alive. It's a horrid noise. If i heard that call out camping in the middle of nowhere, I'd have assumed i had walked into the Blair witch Project.

Hi Prof.  Love this story.  There used to be a few urban foxes where I lived in London.  I never heard a noise quite like that but they did make a strange sound.  Perhaps vixens are the only screechers.  Ours must have been dog foxes. You have such an imagination x

This is how dull my life is, that i now even know this. Male foxes have dog like barks, females screech like a banshee out of some horror movie. A quick search of youtube will let you hear their calls. They are truly terrifying. Wish this forum would allow photos, because we get all sorts in our garden. Squirrels, birds of all kinds, birds of prey, even had an owl not so long ago (first wild one I've ever seen), hedgehogs etc. All we're needing to finish off the wildlife bingo card is a deer and badger. We don't even stay in the middle of nowhere, we're just on the outskirts of Edinburgh.

Any plans for going out? It's cold here, but dry for a change. But just in case you missed the last 10 storms, yet another one is due tomorrow. They're never ending.

Sounds lovely where you are. We obviously had male foxes.  Photos would be good.  I have to go out today to the Registrar to register the death.  Luckily a friend is going with me.  I think I had my worst day so far yesterday.  Still not brilliant, but trying to get must do things done.  The weather here is pretty windy and rainy.  Are you ok?  xx

Yeah, can't complain. Happier all the festive nonsense is over (said in the first post, i wasn't big on Christmas. I get called the Grinch). Here in Scotland, it drags on for an extra day, so everything was still closed today. Much prefer Easter because it's not so much in your face. Jeez, just read that back. I really am a misery at this time of year.  Maybe the family are onto something.

So how did the registrar go? Hopefully all went quickly and smoothly?

For some reason, half my post is missing. I was commenting on how you're still only mere days out from the worst day in your life, so it will take a lot of time for you to even begin to wade through all that grief. I did say more than that, but paranoid it fails to post this too

Glad you are enjoying the Christmas break

The registrar was very nice and it went well and I managed to keep it together.  One of my lovely friends came with me and  made me eat something afterwards, which I am fiinding very difficult.  The problem is, I feel choked up all the time and eating is quite difficult.  Thank you for your kind words.  I wish this choked up feeling would go, I wish I could sleep and I wish I could stop crying.  The evenings and nights  are definitely the worst times.  Everything seems so pointless.  Sorry, I’m obviously feeling a bit sorry for myself.  Wxx

Don't say sorry. You've nothing to apologise for. About the eating, i suffered from that too when my wife was really ill in the hospital through out her treatment. What i found worked for me was light snacks spread throughout the day, rather than the usual 2 meals (lunch and dinner) I have per day. I actually found plates of food daunting, and i even found whole sandwiches daunting. I was forcing myself to eat just to survive, but felt nauseous at the thought of eating. Like my throat would just tighten up at the thought. What i found easy to eat was those Knorr chicken noodle soups that come in those small packs. I just found solids literally too difficult to swallow. I spoke to a doctor about that because I'm not overweight, but i was losing weight, so i was going under. I think i dropped to just under 10st, whilst my healthy weight is 11 1/2. She said to stick to soups and anything that is easy to swallow.

If you find something you can stomach, just stick to that, It's stress and anxiety that causes you to feel like that, and it messes with your appetite and your neck muscles. Everything that's needed to eat.

Has your sleeping improved at all or still as bad?

I have a fridge full of food, some of which I’ve now had to throw out because I just don’t fancy it.  I quite often have a smoothie for breakfast so have tried to make them more substantial so they give me more calories.  Baby food might be the answer or may be not.  I just feel so exhausted and choked up and wonder if I’m ever going to feel ok again?  I’m still not sleeping.  In fact I hate the idea of going to bed.  Thank you very much for your kind advice regarding the eating plan.  Much appreciated.   I must say I’m feeling a bit selfish, continuing to complain, especially since others must be experiencing similar things to me.  

It's your thread, your space to vent, complain, cry or whatever you feel like doing. Don't feel like you're overdoing the grief part, you're not. Some people have others around them to share their grief with, some people don't. Your life has been turned upside down, and nothing prepares you for this. Nothing even prepares you for being sat in a room being told your partner has cancer. You think you have it all sussed out how you will react receiving such news, but until you've walked the walk, you don't know. Sitting in a hospital watching the person you love on the edge is traumatising. My wife is 2 years out from treatment, and I'm still traumatised by some of the stuff i witnessed. I'm only glad our kid chose to remain at school. I've been on propranolol (for severe anxiety) since all this and it's been 2 years. I wish i could say things get better, but I'm feeling exactly like i did 2 years ago. Without medication, i would probably not be functioning as i am. So here i am 2 years later, and here you are a handful of days later dealing with something more life changing.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The fact you're even talking is a massive thing. Some people just shut themselves away and sink ever deeper into that pit of despair. You know yourself you have to still face the second-worst part of all this in a few days day with the funeral, so, no you're not complaining at all.  Don't just disappear from here because you think you're putting a downer on things.

I was supposed to mention this in another post, but my name is Keith. Feels wrong, remaining behind some forum name i conjured up in 2 seconds.

Hi Keith, it’s nice to know your name.  I am of course not Urbanlily.  My name is Wendy.  When I realised my lovely Steve had cancer, I was surprised but the treatment outcome seemed very positive.  I’m thinking of asking my GP for something to help me get through this.  I’m not trying to avoid working through the situation but sometimes I just want to feel a bit more relaxed.  I am normally quite an outgoing, sociable person and the idea of grieving in solitude is my worst nightmare.  However, my normal outgoing, sociable self seems to be in reverse.  I actually don’t recognise my personality at the moment.  It is such an antithesis to how I am.  I would much rather talk than try to do everything alone.  I’m definitely more of a socialite than a loner.  I really do appreciate our conversations.  Wx