I can relate to this because when my wife was going through chemo, she ended up in hospital after each and every chemo cycle with massive temp spikes, and other stuff going on. One of those times was over Christmas, and whilst I'm not big on Christmas myself, she is and it wasn't the same without her that year. i too sat in the house, a picture of misery and worry.

Sorry, it's not an uplifting post, and i don't want to patronise you will well-worn cliches etc, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling how you are. Some of us have been there and know exactly how you're feeling. The good news is, they've identified the culprit, and that's a positive amongst a deluge of crap. They can treat it properly now.

Thank you so much for your reply.  I know it’s just another day but we normally spend it together.  In fact I am spending the day in Critical Care, do at least we’re together at the moment. Yes must hang on to the  positive but finding it difficult.  Thank you again. x

Thank you so much for your reply Jolamine.  It’s not my intention to use alcohol on a regular basis.   It’s just that things felt so raw tonight and I wanted a break from it.  Happy NewYear to you. x

The pain for me was so overwhelming tonight that I could not stand it a minute longer, so I bought a bottle of wine and have drunk over half of it.  It has numbed the pain which I realise isn’t good.  Also drinking alcohol for this reason is not something I normally do.  But really, I just needed a break from the constant emotional rollercoaster.

Going back to one of your earlier posts, your life was spending this time of year with each other, so it's gonna be amplified, but one bottle isn't anything to concern yourself over. As Jolamine said, it's not something you want to do long term. Been there and done that. I've not drank for around 15 years, and it's not something i miss, but i began to have a drink problem after the death of my dad. Hey, i was never great before that, but we had fallen out, and to this day, the regrets remain. I never got the chance to make up with him. But without even realising it, i was drinking a lot. The only reason know I wasn't an alcoholic was because i managed to just stop, and didn't miss it at all, and can go out without even feeling the need to drink. But it took a health scare to open my eyes. So my advice to you, be vigilant because it's one of those things that can fly under the radar so to speak.

Something else Jolamine said, it's the toughest part of the year at the best of times, never mind the last few days you've had. Hopefully, once tomorrow has passed, you can shed the feeling of it having been the festive period.

Thank you so much for your reply. I  realise alcohol can be a slippery slope but I just needed to neutralise the pain just for one night and as I said before, it isn’t my intention to take it up as a full time hobby.  In fact, we have a spiritual centre in my town and I think in the NY I will sign up for meditation, somastics and tai chi.  Happy New Year to you.  x

Yeah, i began to reply to you, then my parrot (yes, you read that correctly), just started doing fire alarm noises, and had to go and check the actual alarms to make sure it wasn't them. She loves keeping you on your toes like that. The best ones are her 6am efforts, when you're half asleep, and you spring out of bed thinking the house is on fire. Oh aye, my point, i left the message unsent, and never refreshed and got to see your new replies until i had hit post.

Kind of feel crass saying this to you, but happy new year.

You have a parrot?  How fantastic.  What breed is it? I love that you have a parrot.  How wonderful.  Not crass at all.   I need to make this year as good as possible.  x

Yeah, she's been bursting my eardrums for the last 23 years. She's an African Grey, and needs the attention of a human toddler. Like myself, she also has a very broad Scottish accent. Though it was 2 years ago, i went through all the words she knew, and it was around the 165 mark. Probably a lot more now. Almost all in a broad Scottish accent. Her favourite tunes to sing are happy b'day, and she loves the Black Beauty theme. She's also partial to the Good, the Bad and Ugly theme tune

Forgot to ask, have you got any pets?

Yes I do.  3 cats x

So sorry to hear about your loss. It will feel sometimes like nobody will understand what you’re going through. But on this forum there are a lot of us who understand. Sending you a lot a strength to get through this <3.  Take it day by day and remember to breathe, and look after yourself. That’s the most important thing. <3

So sorry to hear about your loss. It will feel sometimes like nobody will understand what you’re going through. But on this forum there are a lot of us who understand. Sending you a lot a strength to get through this <3.  Take it day by day and remember to breathe, and look after yourself. That’s the most important thing. <3