I can relate to this because when my wife was going through chemo, she ended up in hospital after each and every chemo cycle with massive temp spikes, and other stuff going on. One of those times was over Christmas, and whilst I'm not big on Christmas myself, she is and it wasn't the same without her that year. i too sat in the house, a picture of misery and worry.

Sorry, it's not an uplifting post, and i don't want to patronise you will well-worn cliches etc, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling how you are. Some of us have been there and know exactly how you're feeling. The good news is, they've identified the culprit, and that's a positive amongst a deluge of crap. They can treat it properly now.

Thank you so much for your reply.  I know it’s just another day but we normally spend it together.  In fact I am spending the day in Critical Care, do at least we’re together at the moment. Yes must hang on to the  positive but finding it difficult.  Thank you again. x

Hi Urbanity,

This is one of the loneliest times of year for many, especially for those who are alone and see celebrations going on all around them. Life seems so unfair at times. It is only understandable that you have turned to alcohol for solace, but whatever you do, don't turn to this for the long term, as it's a very slippery path.

I hope that you raised a glass to your partner tonight, as I'm sure that he is with you in spirit  and you will always hold him in your heart.

I am thinking of you tonight and assure you that there are brighter days ahead.

Kindest regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you so much for your reply Jolamine.  It’s not my intention to use alcohol on a regular basis.   It’s just that things felt so raw tonight and I wanted a break from it.  Happy NewYear to you. x

The pain for me was so overwhelming tonight that I could not stand it a minute longer, so I bought a bottle of wine and have drunk over half of it.  It has numbed the pain which I realise isn’t good.  Also drinking alcohol for this reason is not something I normally do.  But really, I just needed a break from the constant emotional rollercoaster.

Going back to one of your earlier posts, your life was spending this time of year with each other, so it's gonna be amplified, but one bottle isn't anything to concern yourself over. As Jolamine said, it's not something you want to do long term. Been there and done that. I've not drank for around 15 years, and it's not something i miss, but i began to have a drink problem after the death of my dad. Hey, i was never great before that, but we had fallen out, and to this day, the regrets remain. I never got the chance to make up with him. But without even realising it, i was drinking a lot. The only reason know I wasn't an alcoholic was because i managed to just stop, and didn't miss it at all, and can go out without even feeling the need to drink. But it took a health scare to open my eyes. So my advice to you, be vigilant because it's one of those things that can fly under the radar so to speak.

Something else Jolamine said, it's the toughest part of the year at the best of times, never mind the last few days you've had. Hopefully, once tomorrow has passed, you can shed the feeling of it having been the festive period.

Thank you so much for your reply. I  realise alcohol can be a slippery slope but I just needed to neutralise the pain just for one night and as I said before, it isn’t my intention to take it up as a full time hobby.  In fact, we have a spiritual centre in my town and I think in the NY I will sign up for meditation, somastics and tai chi.  Happy New Year to you.  x

Yeah, i began to reply to you, then my parrot (yes, you read that correctly), just started doing fire alarm noises, and had to go and check the actual alarms to make sure it wasn't them. She loves keeping you on your toes like that. The best ones are her 6am efforts, when you're half asleep, and you spring out of bed thinking the house is on fire. Oh aye, my point, i left the message unsent, and never refreshed and got to see your new replies until i had hit post.

Kind of feel crass saying this to you, but happy new year.

You have a parrot?  How fantastic.  What breed is it? I love that you have a parrot.  How wonderful.  Not crass at all.   I need to make this year as good as possible.  x

Yeah, she's been bursting my eardrums for the last 23 years. She's an African Grey, and needs the attention of a human toddler. Like myself, she also has a very broad Scottish accent. Though it was 2 years ago, i went through all the words she knew, and it was around the 165 mark. Probably a lot more now. Almost all in a broad Scottish accent. Her favourite tunes to sing are happy b'day, and she loves the Black Beauty theme. She's also partial to the Good, the Bad and Ugly theme tune

Forgot to ask, have you got any pets?

Yes I do.  3 cats x

Yes I do.  3 cats x

Also I love cats too!! I have 2 myself. I hope they are helping you get through it all? X

Cats are amazing creatures I have a girl her name is "Lola"  I swear she knows when I'm sad they can be a great comfort at times ,my advice would be to take each Day as it comes or even each moment and eventually you will get through this terribly sad episode in your life x

Thank you for your message idk-idk1234.  I do appreciate it.  I have to get through this for my lovely cat family.  

Hi Jenny.  I agree cats are amazing.  Mine are called Moon, Roja and Rosa.  They do know that I’m sad, or at least different.  Roja was very fond of my partner and she is spending a lot of time looking out of the window, I’m sure she’s waiting for him to come home.   

What lovely names for your cats ,and yes if only they could talk but they definitely will sense things ,they bring calm and peace and are good company ,I hope you keep chatting on here if and when you feel the need ,there are some lovely understanding people on here I find ,who have gone through things and come out the other end well .

Thank you so much for your message Jenny.  My cats have all disappeared upstairs at the moment but tp2 of them are staying with me at night.  The need I have at the moment is that I could chat all the time.  I feel so so lonely and scared.  Something I don’t really know what to do about as I’ve never felt like this before.  x

During the summer, and for the first time ever, we had a Vixen with her fox cub make their home under a shed. So they were out and about every night. The Vixen was actually quite bold. She would come and take food from very close proximity, and would casually just go about her business next to you. The cub was inquisitive, but more wary. Come around 9pm at night, you'd look out the kitchen window and the vixen would be sat waiting for it's food.

One of the neighbours works with wildlife and said they aren't aggressive by nature, and don't bother cats. In fact, it tends to be cats that will tell them to sling their hook. What i will say, the first time you hear a vixen do her screech, you will never forget it. It's like something out of a horror movie. Like someone being skinned alive. It's a horrid noise. If i heard that call out camping in the middle of nowhere, I'd have assumed i had walked into the Blair witch Project.

Hi Prof.  Love this story.  There used to be a few urban foxes where I lived in London.  I never heard a noise quite like that but they did make a strange sound.  Perhaps vixens are the only screechers.  Ours must have been dog foxes. You have such an imagination x

This is how dull my life is, that i now even know this. Male foxes have dog like barks, females screech like a banshee out of some horror movie. A quick search of youtube will let you hear their calls. They are truly terrifying. Wish this forum would allow photos, because we get all sorts in our garden. Squirrels, birds of all kinds, birds of prey, even had an owl not so long ago (first wild one I've ever seen), hedgehogs etc. All we're needing to finish off the wildlife bingo card is a deer and badger. We don't even stay in the middle of nowhere, we're just on the outskirts of Edinburgh.

Any plans for going out? It's cold here, but dry for a change. But just in case you missed the last 10 storms, yet another one is due tomorrow. They're never ending.

Sounds lovely where you are. We obviously had male foxes.  Photos would be good.  I have to go out today to the Registrar to register the death.  Luckily a friend is going with me.  I think I had my worst day so far yesterday.  Still not brilliant, but trying to get must do things done.  The weather here is pretty windy and rainy.  Are you ok?  xx