I can relate to this because when my wife was going through chemo, she ended up in hospital after each and every chemo cycle with massive temp spikes, and other stuff going on. One of those times was over Christmas, and whilst I'm not big on Christmas myself, she is and it wasn't the same without her that year. i too sat in the house, a picture of misery and worry.

Sorry, it's not an uplifting post, and i don't want to patronise you will well-worn cliches etc, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling how you are. Some of us have been there and know exactly how you're feeling. The good news is, they've identified the culprit, and that's a positive amongst a deluge of crap. They can treat it properly now.

Thank you so much for your reply.  I know it’s just another day but we normally spend it together.  In fact I am spending the day in Critical Care, do at least we’re together at the moment. Yes must hang on to the  positive but finding it difficult.  Thank you again. x

We didn’t have kids either and I don’t have any siblings. I do have good friends but I don’t want to bore them with my crying and grief all the time.  I am British but seem to lack the stiff upper lip characteristic that we are reputed to have. 

Did you get much sleep last night? I think there comes a point where sheer tiredness takes over, so it will happen. You're mere hours into your grief, so I highly doubt you'll be boring anyone. You mention you lack the British stiff upperlip, yet you're doing the typical Britsh thing of being too polite. Not wanting to incovenience others. You're going through one of the largest life events anyone can go through, so i think your friends will understand. But i do understand why. There's times in your life when saying things out loud can make it feel all too real. I tend not to be a face to face talker either when faced with an awful situation.

When my wife was diagnosed, it was her that did all the talking to others because i simply couldn't bring myself to say some things out loud. i wasn't deluding myself, just felt more comfortable letting it swirl around in my head.

Thank you.  I actually did sleep last night.  First time in over a week.  I’m not really being polite as I’m breaking down every time I talk to someone and I think this will go on for me way longer than it will for them.  Hence, I might be boring them when some of them think it’s time I got over it.  Once again thank you for your caring posts.

Look at this another way. Say this had been one of your friends, would you expect her/him to get over such a loss in such a short time? Even a few months, a year or longer? They say the loss of a partner is only trumped by the loss of a child. The fact you have no children means your loss is one of the worst, if not the worst, loss you will ever face. It doesn't get much worse than this. You're hugely underplaying what you're currently experiencing.

It's completely understandable because your head is all over the place just now, and you currently assume you and your own wellbeing is away down the list of priorities. But you matter, and always have throughout this entire nightmare of a journey. Your friends would probably be mortified if they knew you were soldiering through all this for the reasons you have given. If you're in no mood to talk to friends about this, that is understandable, but if you're needing to unload, you need to unload.

As carers, we're made to feel it isn't about us, mostly from people who have yet to endure a cancer or serious illness diagnosis. I too believed that. We aren't the person that's endured the diagnosis, the treatment etc, so what right do we have to be struggling?  My friends or family don't need to hear my woes because what right do i have to complain when my health is fine, and the physical trauma isn't mine to bear. Yeah, i believed all that. I was in an awfully dark place because i shut myself away. Spoke to no one. Then i got talking to a lady (she was also a carer for her husband) on here, read her story, and she opened my eyes. She made me realise how much i was making assumptions about how others would perceive me if i reached out. The reality was much different from the stuff swirling around in my head.

I'm so sorry if this comes across as a nagging post, because you don't need that nonsense, but I do not want you to just sit there a stew in your own house feeling like you have no outlet. Don't be how i was is my point.

Thank you so much.  My neighbour invited me round for tea today.  She has been very nice.  I was obviously going through one of my more together phases although my body was so tense.  As soon as I left her house I broke down into tears in the street.  Luckily I only live 7 doors away.  I almost feel that I don’t have enough energy to sustain these changeable emotions.  One of my partner's friends called me and I was still crying when I answered.   She is a  lovely person and after speaking to her for about half an hour, I started to feel better.  We finished our call just now.  I now seem to be feeling bad again.  I just feel I can’t cope.  

Really pleased you got out, and you got some company because it will stop you sitting in the house 24/7 and going insane. I've done my nagging for today, so i'll leave you in peace.

Pop on here anytime, even if it's just to unload, rant or write down your thoughts. Never feel you can't get things off your chest on here. It's a good space for that as you're surrounded by people who understand and will never judge you. Someone will always respond eventually.

Thank you for caring.

Hi Urbanity,

We haven't spoken before, but I just had to stop by to say how very sorry I am to hear about the loss of your partner. ProfBaw has given you some good advice. Don't worry about all the crying - this is a great way to relieve stress and is perfectly understandable given the circumstances.

Please remember that we are always here for you. There are many of us here who know from first hand experience, just how bereft you feel at the moment and  you can turn to us at any time.

Kindest regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you very much for your kind message, Jolamine.  Much appreciated.

The pain for me was so overwhelming tonight that I could not stand it a minute longer, so I bought a bottle of wine and have drunk over half of it.  It has numbed the pain which I realise isn’t good.  Also drinking alcohol for this reason is not something I normally do.  But really, I just needed a break from the constant emotional rollercoaster.  

The pain for me was so overwhelming tonight that I could not stand it a minute longer, so I bought a bottle of wine and have drunk over half of it.  It has numbed the pain which I realise isn’t good.  Also drinking alcohol for this reason is not something I normally do.  But really, I just needed a break from the constant emotional rollercoaster.  

Hi Urbanity,

This is one of the loneliest times of year for many, especially for those who are alone and see celebrations going on all around them. Life seems so unfair at times. It is only understandable that you have turned to alcohol for solace, but whatever you do, don't turn to this for the long term, as it's a very slippery path.

I hope that you raised a glass to your partner tonight, as I'm sure that he is with you in spirit  and you will always hold him in your heart.

I am thinking of you tonight and assure you that there are brighter days ahead.

Kindest regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you so much for your reply Jolamine.  It’s not my intention to use alcohol on a regular basis.   It’s just that things felt so raw tonight and I wanted a break from it.  Happy NewYear to you. x

Going back to one of your earlier posts, your life was spending this time of year with each other, so it's gonna be amplified, but one bottle isn't anything to concern yourself over. As Jolamine said, it's not something you want to do long term. Been there and done that. I've not drank for around 15 years, and it's not something i miss, but i began to have a drink problem after the death of my dad. Hey, i was never great before that, but we had fallen out, and to this day, the regrets remain. I never got the chance to make up with him. But without even realising it, i was drinking a lot. The only reason know I wasn't an alcoholic was because i managed to just stop, and didn't miss it at all, and can go out without even feeling the need to drink. But it took a health scare to open my eyes. So my advice to you, be vigilant because it's one of those things that can fly under the radar so to speak.

Something else Jolamine said, it's the toughest part of the year at the best of times, never mind the last few days you've had. Hopefully, once tomorrow has passed, you can shed the feeling of it having been the festive period.

Thank you so much for your reply. I  realise alcohol can be a slippery slope but I just needed to neutralise the pain just for one night and as I said before, it isn’t my intention to take it up as a full time hobby.  In fact, we have a spiritual centre in my town and I think in the NY I will sign up for meditation, somastics and tai chi.  Happy New Year to you.  x

Yeah, i began to reply to you, then my parrot (yes, you read that correctly), just started doing fire alarm noises, and had to go and check the actual alarms to make sure it wasn't them. She loves keeping you on your toes like that. The best ones are her 6am efforts, when you're half asleep, and you spring out of bed thinking the house is on fire. Oh aye, my point, i left the message unsent, and never refreshed and got to see your new replies until i had hit post.

Kind of feel crass saying this to you, but happy new year.

You have a parrot?  How fantastic.  What breed is it? I love that you have a parrot.  How wonderful.  Not crass at all.   I need to make this year as good as possible.  x

Yeah, she's been bursting my eardrums for the last 23 years. She's an African Grey, and needs the attention of a human toddler. Like myself, she also has a very broad Scottish accent. Though it was 2 years ago, i went through all the words she knew, and it was around the 165 mark. Probably a lot more now. Almost all in a broad Scottish accent. Her favourite tunes to sing are happy b'day, and she loves the Black Beauty theme. She's also partial to the Good, the Bad and Ugly theme tune

Forgot to ask, have you got any pets?

Yes I do.  3 cats x

Also I love cats too!! I have 2 myself. I hope they are helping you get through it all? X